Insomnia.

Okay. So I've tried everything. Music... reading... laying there... reverse psychology... Ugh. I still can't sleep. Yes, I realize it's nearly 4 am. Yes, I realize I have to catch the bus in less than 4 hours. And believe me, I've been trying to sleep. But finally, when even A Perfect Circle wasn't doing the trick, I decided to come downstairs and eat. Write a little, since Brian fell asleep in Mama's room again. Infomercials are playing on his TV behind me.

Arg.

Yeah, because I really want the "Magic Bullet", a cooking appliance with the same name as a popular vibrator. And that's three times as expensive.

Okay. So I devoured those noodles in about three seconds flat. Now, the question is, go back and attempt to fall asleep YET AGAIN? Or type until I feel tired, which may or may not happen?

I really don't get why I can't sleep. It's not like I'm even nervous about the test. And I was exhausted before. But I started falling asleep, drifted a bit, then was all of a sudden awake. Oh, look. The infomercials are over, I think. That's not a good sign.

If I don't sleep at all, I'm probably better off than if I try to sleep and get something like two hours. Besides, I know my body. Eventually whatever's keeping me awake will run out (with my luck, probably around the time I have to wake up), and I'll sleep for an hour, and then be good to go. For a little while, at least. Long enough to do the exam? Let's hope so.

Ughhhhhh. It would be so much easier to just sleeeeeeeeep, like a normal person. But I have a feeling it'll be just as useless to attempt to sleep again unless my body's ready.

Okay, now that that's settled.

More random thoughts, yay.

I had a shitload of these while I was trying to sleep. Of course, they've all fled now that I can write them down, of course.

Yeah. Obviously I'm not at my best.

What's bugging me at the moment is this suspended time. This time of morning/night, everything is on pause. Then again, the longest day of the year is coming around sometime soon. I can hear birds chirping. And even though I think it's starting to get light out already (at 4 17, wow!), everything still feels paused. Everyone's asleep. Time has no meaning.

Ew and the show that's on behind me is some kind of violent show. Lots of killing and guns and stuff. Mediocre acting, predictable plot, the works. And I figured that out without even watching it.

Randomly changing topics. It's 4 20. Yay. Childish pleasure, but whatever.

Yeah, so Dallis gave me a ride in and out of the city for the study thing today. I was so surprised when he called, and rather pleased. Why? Well to be quite honest, I was kinda getting the feeling that he was just talking with me and chilling with me to get to Blair. And that's been a common feeling lately, since everyone on this Earth seems to have a crush on her. And while I think that's just great for her, it does grate after a while when it seems like all the guys around you are using you to get to her.

But no. Dallis seemed to just want company to study. Which is totally cool with me, since he has an interesting way of thinking about things. While he gets supremely annoying after long extended periods of time, he's cool on a casual basis.

Wtf?!? CHOOSE A LANGUAGE YOU STUPID TWIT! Sorry, but the chick on TV doesn't know the difference between Spanish and French. She's speaking both at once, but trying to pass it off for Spanish.

Anyways.

SO yeah. And on the way back home, we had a cool conversation about sex. Always an interesting convo to have with a Sex Fiend like him. It's nice and refreshing to talk to someone who doesn't see it as a taboo topic. And he said that if I ever had an orgy, he'd be happy to participate!

Ah, I just finished reading the latest on Becs' blog. Wow. She posted the last convo we had (or part of it, at least) there. Although I'm glad she did. I had kind of an epiphany about her purpose in other people's lives, and I shared it with her. Better yet, I think it sunk in. She didn't go on about how it was the nicest thing anyone's ever said to her (which is good, because it wasn't all that nice, I suppose... besides, Davo's Shoutout was way more deserving), and she didn't try to argue.

I think we've made progress, don't you?

4 30. And I'm even more awake than ever. I thought maybe I couldn't sleep because I was so hungry, but now that I've eaten it woke me up even more. The chirping birds aren't helping.

Ugh and I can feel the tiredness at my subconcious, nibbling. Not enough to put me to sleep, but enough to warn me that when it does hit me, it'll hit me hard.

Great. Just what I need.

Okay, at least I can probably use my study time at school to nap.

*winces*

If I absolutely have to, I guess. See, I actually want to do well on this test. Prove I'm not an idiot. Because I know that I could get 100% given the proper time to study and such. And the inclination, which only recently hit me (it was lacking all year).

Which leads to a good question... why am I not studying now?

I don't know. I honestly don't. Except that I really don't feel like it. I tried a little, when I first couldn't sleep... but it didn't really work.

God, I'm such an internet whore. Not a junkie. A whore. No, wait. Both. I can't resist it... And I miss having a laptop. Because if I did, I could write in bed and just put it aside like a book when the tiredness hits me. Which it would be more likely to, in bed. But only when I'm doing something. I like computers better than journals though, because I can now type fast enough to keep up with my thoughts. When I try to write like that, all I get is a cramped hand for my troubles.

Happiness is a hot shower. I had one when I first went upstairs, so that I could sleep in more and still be clean.

Ha, what a joke that turned out to be.

You know what? I want to take a shower with someone. I mean, I have many times before, but not in a long time. There's just something intimate about a shower... like cuddling. But instead of a warm blanket, it's a warm curtain of water. And our shower downstairs is perfect for multiple-people showers. I remember when Tasha, Keira, Becca and I all went river walking a few years back, and then took a huge warm shower together to warm up.

Thank god women don't tend to have the same insecurities about being naked with those of the same sex that men do. Or at least we don't have to be 'macho' about it....

And speaking of macho and chivalry and stuff...

I use to mention this a lot more when I first started the blog, but I'm a secret fan of chivalry. To quote an old entry...

"I dunno. I guess I'm old-fashioned at heart. Not that I'd want to stay at home and do nothing my entire life but look after my kids and clean. In fact, that's kinda my worst nightmare. But little things, like having the guy ask you out instead of vice-versa, being offered his coat when you're cold, having your chair pulled out for you... Like I said, they make me feel like I'm something special. Not that I won't ask someone else out, offer my coat to a dude if he's cold, or sit down unless my chair is pulled out. But it does give the guy mucho brownie points (taking notes yet?). Too bad chivalry is deader than Elvis in people my age."

Yeah. And that includes the typical 'romantic' things... like ballroom dancing, and being swept off your feet... literally. You know, the whole dip thing. Well, I forgot to mention this... but on Friday (before things got weird), at one point Tristan randomly took me and dipped me down like that. The overall effect was kind of ruined by the fact that I'm not the lightest person on the planet and I panicked at having someone else support my weight unexpectedly.... But still. And I was stupid, and couldn't let that panic go... Maybe I just wanted to hear him assert that he wouldn't let me go (I already told you I'm a romantic, what more do you want?!?). And even later, I'd be sitting on his lap facing him (believe me, you don't want to ask), and he'd dip me down off the couch towards the floor. There, he did say that he wouldn't let me go... And then promptly ruined it by pretending to let me slip then catching me.

Yeah, that made the panic come riiiiiiiiight back.

But yeah. If I had those MSN hearts, that last paragraph would be filled with them.

Almost five am... And still wideeee awake. That's funny... usually blogging makes me sleepy...

Hey, why not find those little msn hearts?

Okay, found them. Now to save to Photobucket... Oh, how I love Photobucket... And remember my basic html... Oh, how I love HTMLgoodies.com.... And there! Okay, so there are only two. They're at the important bits... that's what matters.

Ahhhhh... creepy Space Channel commercial. That's what channel is on, I found out.

Okay... REALLY creeping me out.

Okay... it's over.

And I'm incredibly sick of being awake.

I can feel my soul WANTING to rest... but it's staying for some reason. It's not leaving, dammit. Leave, soul, leave! Fly away so I can sleep!

Okay, all those of you who haven't read Conversations With God, volume II, are probably confused. And to you guys, I recommend reading it. It's not a Catholic Brainwashing Manual. It's actually got little to do with any particular religion at all. But it's excellent, excellent, excellent. All three books in the series (although Book II is my favourite). Let's see if I can find the part on sex... it's so accurate and gorgeous, his description.

Yeah, yeah. I know I talk about sex a lot. For all my enlightenment, I'm still mostly a teen. Gimmie a break.

Okay, so I can't find the right excerpt online. And if I go back upstairs, it will be to sleep and certainly not to copy out long parts of a book.

So, since it's 5 15 (and even though I'm still not tired at all), I'm going to attempt to sleep. And if it doesn't work, I'm going to grab it and come back down and copy out the part.

At the very least, it'll chill me out and bring me to peace with myself and the world. Thus helping me on my test.

Okay, until later.