Tuesday, January 19, 2010

My body gets very confused when I dream that I don't sleep. My dreams had a lot of things last night... there were fireworks that I could see from my front porch of Stampede, or something similar. I called Kim and Shawn up to see it but they missed it, and some other stuff hapened with them that I of course can't remember. Then there was teh work part of the dream, where people wouldn't leave work because it was the last day of Stampede or whatever and I was tehre until something like 3 in the morning, trying to close and finish up. It didn't have the desperation of other times that I've dreamt about work and being unable to close though... I was just tired. And then when I was finally finally done I came across Melissa Louette and went to her house to see her... she let me have a shower in her house and I saw her Mum and the handsome repair dude that she was now with... Melissa told me about how she doesn't really like sex and a few other things that we caught up on... we spoke of reading in the shower and I went into the shower to read. She lent me her copy of a Visionary's Handbook, which she had gotten from Chracters and I was surprised because I specifically remember selling it to someone else, so we must have had two copies. When I got into the shower, the drain was closed and I didn't realize it while the shower was on and I was fighting to put up the shower curtain, so the bath filled up and I sunk down into it, looking for the plug. It kept slipping back in and I was afraid the tub was going to overflow, which it did a teeny bit, but I finally got it to stay open and it drained a little. I decided not to read int he shower at all, just to get it over with because I hadn't after all slept all night and wanted to get home quickly to Goddad's house, where he was waiting for me... But I figured her knew I was an adult to wouldn't worry too much. For some reason it seemed to me that Kellin was waiting there too even though we were still broken up, even in the dream. When I finally finished the shower I made my way out to the main entrance and started sorting my way through socks, getting ready to go althugh Meli's Mum was locked in her room with her husband and Meli was nowhere to be found. Then Brian cam,e or called, and offered to buy me a carton of cigarettes for me to do with as I willed as long as he got some, and I thought about it, kne wthat his ocmpany would be paying for it along with the flight home, and regretfully said no even though I was tired and desperately wanted one after all this detoxing. I reflected that the vitamins and healthy detoxing must have been what allowed me to pull an all-nighter with relative ease. Then Kellin showed up somehow just as Meli came back inand I reluctantly introduced her to him as my ex-boyfriend and tol dher that I had to go. She was disappointed, and I was too, and hoped that I could stay and chill but I reminded her that I hadn't slept at all and did need to sleep sometime. I finished putting on my socks--which by the way were the nice dress ones I got for Xmas--and got up to go and then the damned alarm went off and I was left awake and stranded in this dimension for a moment, cursing that I hadn't actually been able to get to sleep in the dream, leaving me feeling tired even though I got a good 8-8.5 hours of sleep.

But now that I'm up and about I do feel better.

Lah.

Wednesday, January 06, 2010

A dream.

An odd dream. I had to go back to Charles Perrault for some reason, and there were now Spanish studies going on there. I ended up meeting Dan there, or he came with me, and after all the coincidences it didn't surprise me that his sister/relative went there, and that he'd just finished going there, so we has just that one more thing in common. Many of my friends and people that I'd known there seemed to have younger siblings that were going there and I ended up meeting a whole bunch of people I knew there. The only one that sticks out in my head is Tracy-Lee... it felt like no time had passe dand we all kind of chilled and cuddled and I remembered how much I had missed them, how much we had shared. Of course tehre are parts missing here, but eventually we were in another place, and there was this one girl who didn't like me for some reason and was really upset, but it seemed liek it was over stupidity. Daniel didn't seem to be getting along great with the Charles Perrault people simply because they weren't his crowd and he didn't have the memories that I did. It gets all confused... I remember looking aoutside when we finally decided to leave and it was snowing. I remember separations, divisions... Feeling a bit of jealousy and resignation as he once again disappeared into another room to comfort her, she drew people around her in an effort to get attention or something like that. I remember being unexpectedly accepted by one or many. And hanging back for some reason and looking around and a whole other crowd or older dudes had come in... the older male relatives of whoever's house we were at?

I don't know. It gets all mezclado en mi cabeza.

Lah.

Monday, January 04, 2010

Bah.

Fuck you and fuck the stupid horse you rode in on. I understand busy-ness. But anticipate busy-ness. Explain ahead of time. Don't fucking make plans with someone that you know you can't keep, or keep someone hanging for hours after they find out those plans can't be kept. Because while you might be busy, they might be waiting. They might have been looking forward to it, whether 'it' be five minutes or a whole night.

Even five minutes would have been nice. I anticipated him overbooking himself, like an airplane flight. Of course, I'm holding a ticket but only on the wait list. All I was expecting was five minutes. But after fucking waiting and delaying and spending all that time and effort worrying, I'll be damned if I was going to ask for those five fucking minutes. "Please, even just to see your face? I'm forgetting what it looks like. And I dressed up nice today, I want you to see me with my twists so I can take the damned things out." How lame does that sound? More like "Bite me, asshole."

Arg. He's not even an asshole. He just overbooks himself. I knew that. But I got my stupid hopes up anyways. I want to punch him in the face now. It's stupid but he's also my distraction from the smoking... it's easier to forget about it and the cravings when I'm not home alone and brooding.

I'll get over it. Supposedly he's coming over tomorrow night. Woohoo. Know what that means? That means I have to do all my fucking homework tonight--which I no longer feel like doing because my good mood has been worn down by 20 lbs of new textbooks and a nearly maxed out credit card (to say nothing of him)--or tomorrow morning. And clean the house. Wait, scratch that last one. Fuck him.... why should I bother?

Rocky Horror and margarita time. Maybe a good cry. And early bed tonight. Things will seem better in the morning? I hope so. And I hope it's either stinking busy at work or completely dead. Either way, I just don't want to think.

Lah.

Sunday, January 03, 2010

Throw Rocks at Them.

Arg. Stay calm. Annoyance is no good reason to get upset. Just chill, keep your cool. The nicotine cravings certainly aren't helping, either. But boys are so STUPID! Okay. It's just annoyance. He's not stupid, just himself and a product of his sex and gender. But I'm tired of hopping around. Maybe just not used to being the less busy one. And certainly annoyed. So he starts early... so no chance of seeing him before. But then wait, he's not going to classes anyways because he's gotta sort out his schedule. So what's that mean? Should I offer to stop by earlier? I already said I'd stop by after class at 4 30. But then, right before he leaves he says he says Oh by the way, "I've got a social to run tomorrow afternoon. But free hot dogs!" What does that mean? Does that mean I can go? Wtf? And then I ask what time it's from and he says 5-7. So... I'll get to stop in for a half hour, less the time it takes me to get over there. Fine... But instead of rushing in and out, wouldn't it be better to stop in before class instead? But he's already gone, with a "Goodnight, love", the first since he got back.

I am Jack's overactive nervous system.

Whatever. I know that I'll be less confused and more able to read what the hell is going on once I actually see him. Likely it's just stress and I'm one more thing to worry about and so backburner. Okay, I can understand that. But I'm not busy and stressed right now, having taken the time to sort out my schedule and shit before classes start. Anyways. Point is, I'm chilled and so have nothing better to do with my mind than think about this shit and think about him. Leading to overthinking, and thus confusion and annoyance.

But I'm trying to still chill. Stay chill. After all, I've got some downtime before the storm, and I'm grateful. I wish for him to have what's best for him, and I wish him peace, too.

Woo. I feel much better now. Which might have something to do with the cigarette I caved and had.

I guess nobody said it would be easy. Relationships or giving up addictions. Or treading lightly, ironically enough.

In any case, bedtime for me. Tomorrow's another day... we'll see what happens.

Much love.

Lah.

Welcome to the New Year.

A full moon, and a single bright star shining on the new year. I had a quiet one this year, with Shawn and Kim in Maple Ridge. It was a nice change, and a nice time. To cap off an excellent holiday season, with incredible amounts of laughter, partying, and general love and joy. Surprise? I think not. But made none the less pleasurable for its predictability.

And now, home again, alone again, and naked again. I still haven't unpacked, having elected to sit and watch Becoming Jane, a movie I got for Christmas, instead. The sentimental feelings of the holidays and the resulting etherealness of the time before it have left me conflicted. I want to share the joy and the news and, well, life with him, but the time we spent together before the holidays seems almost like a dream, and the relationship is new enough that the dreamlike qualities undermine my assurance in the security of the thing. So I'm left doubly wanting to reconnect and reaffirm it, but unsure that my anxiousness is reciprocation. And doubly complicated by the idea that even if it's not reciprocated, it may well simply be that his memory is far clearer than mine and so he simply does not doubt. And then the thoughts that perhaps he does doubt and is therefore playing it lightly as I am, and that perhaps I should take the first step in that case, horn in and I'm left feeling quite confused about it all, and with a headache on top of that from the million other possibilties that continue to branch off.

And every time the silly program dings (for another, I might add) I feel momentarily excited and then silly.

But despite all of this, for the most part I'm trying to just chill. Tread lightly, as it were, my New Year's resolution. Patience and all of that... it'll deroule in time. And despite doubts, I have the feeling that it will unfold to other than my worst fears. Worrying helps nothing, in any case. As my plans have only been in my head, it's understandable that others aren't following them. Certain other needs are not at the right time to be fulfilled either, so patience only ensures that the final event will be even more fantastic.

I want to just blow his mind, though. Call it vanity, Emotion, whatever, but I just want to punch him in the face with awesomeness. Or maybe a Sockem' Bopper. Heehee.

But this whole time being all one piece is partially awesome, partially driving me crazy. I think the time-space folding thing allows me to feel parts or whole emotions while removed from the situation simply by allowing me to phaze in and tune in because after all, it's happening all the time, that event. If that makes sense. But at the same time while an event is happening, I can grasp onto it and feel it whole but I know it's fleeting because at the same time I'm tuning into realities where it's not being felt. Which is why it's easy to chill and be patient but at the same time it's the hardest thing in the world.

And my stupid overanalytical brain. Constantly seeking patterns, to the point where I wonder whether it's creating them to fill the need. Choosing most words carefully and absorbing each one that comes in return and then feeding it through lenses and scopes and ideas and points of view.

But now, to bed. What will come will come, and I have plenty to do until it does!

Lah.