Clueless.

This is ridiculous.

I'm crying over a freaking test. A CHEM test, no less. I don't even care about Chem.

But I actually studied for this test. I really wanted to do good. Not leave, holding back tears, wondering if I even passed.

Bah.

This whole day hasn't exactly been the greatest. It started off with the whole insomnia thing. Then I got to spend five hours studying (yay). I was hoping perhaps a certain someone (since he's so damned preoccupied with studying) might at least be there early as well, but no such luck. Then I was hoping maybe he stuck around after the exam (which he--curse him--finished like half an hour early)... but no such luck.

And school doesn't stop fucking up my life, even with my hardest exam over. What with all of his exams being this week, guess what that same certain someone is spending his few days before he leaves doing?

And guess who gets to spend a full two hours with him, the night before he leaves?

Yeah, I know. Amazing, amazing. Two hours, in one week. Unbelievable. We're really making an effort to spend time with each other!

And I should probably take his advice and go take a nap before I really hurt someone.

But ugh... Not only am I sick of trying to sleep, but I just feel so goddamned cut off from everything. It's that same third wheel feeling again, but like I'm a third wheel to the world. And to be honest, I know that he's right. Everything will be much better with sleep. But the thought of curling up in my scoop chair, or on my futon, the way I've spent almost every fucking minute since school's ended, is not an appealing one. Especially not alone.

And there, folks, is the heart of the matter. "Especially not alone". I have a sneaking suspicion that's why I'm an internet whore... I want to communicate with the outside world. While I enjoy my own company more than most, without school to at least see my friends, myself is driving myself crazy. And thus, when I do see my friends, I don't think I'm particularly great to be around, because I babble and ramble and overdo everything. Overcompensation for missed time, I guess.

What I really, really want, though (besides a surprise visit from somebody, just to chill. Or even a phone call, just to see how I'm doing. Or even a fucking text message, for crying out loud!) is to go and sleep and everything, but with someone to use as a pillow.

Oh, and here come those stupid tears again.

I really do need sleep. Almost as much as I don't want to sleep.

David Haist is being a real doll. First he gave me a ride home when I would have been otherwise stuck at school forever (I missed my bus writing the exam) without even Davo for company (he was still writing the exam, being a Resource dude and having as much time as he wants). And now he's trying to cheer me up. Well, not trying to cheer me up so much as just being normal and silly. Which is nice, because I know that since my mood is largely sleep-deprivation-related, it's not all that welcoming of comfort and such.

And I'm really out of things to say. This really isn't the best of entries, anyway. It's self-pitying and stupid.

But you know me... I can't delete or erase an entry unless I'm asked to by a friend for privacy's sake.

But before I go...

Okay, so this may sound sappy and stupid. Feel free to just pretend the entry ended here and leave, because it's not being written for the entertainment of the masses. It's being written because it needs to be said.

Now, with that buildup...

I know that I'm not the greatest person out there. Yeah, I'm selfish sometimes. Yeah, I can be mean and petty. Yeah, I'm not always the easiest to get along with. And that's why I wonder sometimes why people even choose to be around me. Not my friends so much (because I know that I put myself out there quite a lot for my friends, and don't really force my life upon them in return), but the closer people. Yeah, I mean Tristan. And even though I complain and rant and such about him... everytime I see him (and I mean see him, not chat online or call or whatever), I get this vague cheering feeling. Well... that's kind of a downplaying of it, to be honest. When I say "he makes me happy", I mean it literally, on the most basic level. Not the heart-flippy-thing you usually get when you see a crush, but more of a warm melty feeling inside. And I want to touch him. Not necessairily sexually, but just get as close as humanly possible. Climb inside his skin. All of the stupidity and confusion and stuff fades, if only for a little while. And I have no idea if this is a one-way thing, or if I'm just crazy or whatever... but it needed to be said. Especially since I have absolutely no idea what the future will bring, to use a cliche. Or whether that feeling will last through his trip. That's the real reason that I'm making such a fuss (at least in my head) about not really getting to see him this week. Cuz' ya know what? I'm really going to miss him. Hell, I miss him already. And some part of me wants to spend every possible moment just being near him, basking in his aura... Even if other parts of me want to bury him on another planet where he won't affect me so much. And a part of that section of me (a really itty bitty part) is even happy he's leaving, for that same reason.

And if that whole speech thing didn't thoroughly either scare away Tristan and anyone else who's ever been interested in me away (yeah, all none of you)... I dunno what would. But I'm not going to erase it, or delete it, or put it in small print... because it's true, dammit. And I'm coming to learn that truth doesn't go away if you bury it or ignore it (This means you, Ryan and Mad-Beaver-Face).

Although if a certain person were to read the entry and definitely not feel the same... hypothetically they would just have to pretend they didn't read it until after they were to leave... and then it would be a moot point anyway.

Hypothetically speaking, of course. If I wanted to give said person an 'easy way out'.

And now, to eat. *sigh* and probably not sleep, although I do know that I really need it, and accept the knowledge that Ima be an emotional wreck til I do.

Love?

Lah.