Destroy me now, please.

Gods, I'm tired. Tiredness has been a constant companion for the past couple fo days, but today was the worst.

Rereading my last post, I have to apologize. I couldn't even figure out what parts of it said.

Monday was a good day. I should have relished it a little more, because the rest of the week so far has sucked more than a Hoover. Well, that's not quite true. Yesterday was cool. But yesterday was also tiring and very long. Thanks to the Learning for a Sustainable Future conference I went to with part of my Global Conscience group, I was up from 6 am to midnight. I left home at 7 am. I got home at 11 pm. The conference ended at four, but I had glassblowing class. Over three hours of wonderful hot glass that will scar you forever with burns if you even brush it. Huge furnaces (gloryholes) aptly nicknamed 'Windows to Hell' and the 'Burning Pit of Doom' at temperatures exceeding 1200 degrees.

I love it, of course. But I was so tired that I was messing up even the simplest things. The heat was almost unbearable, too. I still managed to make two bowls and an adorable paperweight. I guess I'll have to wait to get them, though. It takes about 8 hours to cool down the glass after you're done blowing.

As for the conference, well, it was awesome. We got programs we could use in school and I actually got inspired to want to really do something to change the world.

The day before that, though. That one sucked. Certain things about certain people (who may read this, so I will not elaborate) kind of made me homicidal... Well towards men, at least. Actually, I wanted to hang all men by their balls. This includes Bush and Kerry and Cheney and Nader and Martin and all the rest of the dickheads who decided that going into politics would be a good idea.

Am I the only one who noticed that not a single politician's hair moves? Seriously. Check it out. And if anyone happens to find a politician who's hair will move, then please let me know. Be prepared to prove it. I'm sure that it's a requirement somewhere that to be a politician, your hair cannot move.

Anyways. Moving on. Today was pure hell. When I started to type this post, all I wanted to do was go somewhere and destroy myself. Luckily, writing is therapeutical for me. I no longer want to cause myself much physical pain. Now, I simply want to curl up somewhere and cry. Wrapped in blankets. With *someone's* warm shoulder to put my head on. And a hug. A hug, too.

What could possibly have happened to make me go so low? To be honest, I'm not sure. I know that most of it is probably exhaustion. When I get tired, I get vulnerable. You know, I probably shouldn't have admitted that on a public site, but it's true. 80% of the times I've cried in the past year, I've been tired. Another part of it most likely has something to do with my marks. This year, for the first time in a while, I've been getting really high marks. I got the stupid idea that I could win an award or something at Awards night. And now all my marks except English went down over ten percent from our last term reports. I'm determined to bring them up, but it's looking a little hopeless today. And I'm so busy I can barely think. I'm way behind on my word count in NaNoWriMo, I haven't handed in half my homework and I have to make jewelry for the Arts and Crafts sale in a week. I also had to cancel my Reiki class to work for my mother at the show. I'd like it a lot more if I had someone to spend time with, but I don't.

I'm in French class right now. Luckily, I'm done all my homework except the project that we're supposed to be working on right now that's worth somethign like 40% of our mark. I'm alone, of course. That's okay, though. I'm going to do it anyway, and I'm going to do it well and fucking get a good mark if it kills me. Which it feels like it might.

My headache's getting worse.

Anyways, about French. After the computer deleted half of my novel at lunch (luckily I have a backup somewhere), I was feeling like the last straw had been dropped. I started crying in the middle of the hallway as I was walking back to class. All of a sudden everything was too much. I cry silently and I really don't look good when I cry. I wasn't crying hard, though, and two of my friends noticed that something was wrong but not that I was crying. They tried to cheer me up; that did more towards making me smile than their efforts did. But eventually I told them I had to go to class.

In class I lasted a good 5-10 minutes before starting to cry again. This time no one noticed at all. How sad is that? I was ready to kill soemthing or myself, rip, tear, bawl... And no one noticed. That's okay, though. No one ever does. Not when things are seriously wrong.

Class is almost over. I have one period left and it's English. I didn't hand in my last project and I emailed my teacher about it. It's crunch time now, I guess.

On the bright side, I may be going to a movie with Ryan tomorrow. He has my mp3 and he's going to give it back. There are other people that I'd rather be seeing a movie with, but that's not because I don't like Ryan. He's awesome, he really is. I'm glad I'm going to see him: I haven't seen him in a while and I missed him. But... Well, I don't know where I'm going with this but I'm not gonna get into it here.

Later.

MistWeaver