Gorgeousness!

Ahhhh!

I'm feeling exceedingly happy.

Beautiful and amazing and me!

See this picture?

Ignore the 'Nexopia' tag at the bottom. I was too lazy to email it to myself, so I just pulled a copy off of the net.

Anyways. So this picture, is me. Two years ago, but still me. And it looks remarkably the way I do now... of course my hair's a little longer and my skin's a little lighter... and I probably don't glow the way I do there... but still.

This picture is the cause of a deep and abiding happiness for myself. Let me explain. Let me go back to April 2004, right after I shaved my head for cancer (and lost the hair I hadn't cut in 8(!!) years). We were there to spread my grandfather's ashes, but his death was a few months before and I'd had time to heal a little.

First thing to know: every black man within a ten-mile radius was on my ass. Or at least wanted to be. Couldn't even walk down the street, and especially not in a bathing suit.

-grins-

But see, then I'd look in a mirror. And all that good feeling that amassed from the looks and the propositions would disappear. Cuz I'd look, and I'd be like, "Wait a second. I don't look that great."

Oh whoops must run. Hopefully will finish this some other time.

LATER

Hookay.

So back to Barbados. Loss of self-confidence and all that.

So one day (and I can't remember where) I found this huge gorgeous flower. I couldn't put it in my hair proper, of course (not having any), but I loved it and Kai and I spent a whole bunch of time taking pictures.

But see... while I felt really pretty while the pictures were being taken... once I saw them (including this one) I thought "Oh... but I look fat..."

And so it was for two years.

Up until a few days (I think... no sense of time...) ago.

See, I don't remember how or when it happened, exactly... but I was talking to Mama a while back (about Becca, no less) and Mama said something that stuck in my head. She said that Becca was the perfect specimen of womanhood. Of course, by North American standards she's not, but see, that's only by North American standards. In anywhere else (like... oh, say... BARBADOS...) she's absolutely gorgeous. And while I've always felt that Becca's gorgeous (YEAH, THATS RIGHT BITCH YOURE BEAUTIFUL), I realized that the same thing applied to me. That's why everyone was gaga over me even though I looked shitty. Because see, I didn't look shitty. Only shitty for this day and age. So what if I'm not uberskinny? So what if I jiggle when I walk? I mean, it's not like I have fat just swishing everywhere. I'm just... squishy.

And so when I happened to come back across this picture a while ago, instead of depressing me, it made me happy. Because I could finally see the beauty in myself, without doubts.

And just in case I wasn't sure... yesterday or the day before, when I decided to change my pic on Nex to it, the minute I switched I started getting a million creepy messages from random people all over Canada propositioning me and saying how beautiful I was. From guys and girls alike.

Hey, it's still flattering!

But yes. And since then... well, you know how I was completely at peace with the universe a while back? Well, now I'm completely at peace with myself. Hell, not even 'at peace'. That implies neutrality. I'm just plain loving myself and the world. Accepting and loving.

So there you go. I hope you find the same beauty in yourself that I did. And, of course, in the world.

There's Beauty in the Madness!

La Vie Est Belle.

Harmony, and above all...

Love.