A Cold and a Broken Hallelujah

Yeah, a joyful title, I know... But it refers to a song you've probably heard, unless you're one of the two people on Earth you haven't seen Shrek. Yeah, I'm lookin' at you.

But yes. It's called Hallelujah, by Rufus Wainwright. And ever since I first heard it many years ago, I've been in love with the song. It's one of those songs that makes you just close your eyes and sing from your heart with tears in your eyes. Remember Sixpence's Kiss Me? Yeah, one like that. But a little sadder.

I've heard there was a secret chord
That David played, and it pleased the Lord
But you don't really care for music, do you?
It goes like this
The fourth, the fifth
The minor fall, the major lift
The baffled king composing Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah

Your faith was strong but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you
She tied you to a kitchen chair
She broke your throne, and she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah...

Maybe I've been here before
I know this room, I've walked this floor
I used to live alone before I knew you
I've seen your flag on the marble arch
Love is not a victory march
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah...

There was a time
You let me know
What's real and going on below
But now you never show it to me, do you?
And remember when I moved in you?
The holy dark was moving too
And every breath we drew was Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah...

Maybe there's a god above
And all I ever learned from love
Was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you
And it's not a cry you can hear at night,
It's not somebody who's seen the light
It's cold and it's a broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah...

--

Hallelujah, indeed. Isn't that just the perfect metaphor for Love? The colder, darker side, perhaps, but still amazing. And cold or broken, it's still a Hallelujah. A call to the highest vibration in your soul.

Do I repeat this ideal too much? I don't think so. It's still as gorgeous a thing, no matter how times you describe it.

Fine then. I'll stop expostulating the virtues of Love above all things and talk about imagery. That's another reason I love this song... I can see every word, including Rufus Wainwright's pain, his broken heart still beating. He starts off singing about a third person, then singing to himself as another... then finally bringing it home. It's him that got cut down.

And after the final chords of the song have died away, and you're lying there with almost nonexistant tears in your eyes... you can remember how it felt to Love, the reason why you loved, with Norah Jones' Come Away With Me. Come away with me where they can't taint us with their lies... Back to the place where only each other existed. Or back even further, to the wish and the hope that lay before, with Kiss Me. Or if you're not wanting to come back from that sad trip yet, maybe Lacuna Coil's Falling Again. And while that isn't a love song, it does a pretty good job of summing up my mood after that cold and broken Hallelujah. Just wanting to feel good? Bob Marley's I Can See Clearly Now, or maybe Shaggy's Keeping It Real. Or just anything by India.Arie.

Back to the real world? My life. If you're wondering what happened to the Frenchified Lost Entry, I chickened out a few days and hid it too, although it's much less further back than the original. Maybe I'll post it back eventually. Maybe not. So if you want to know about my own cold and broken Hallelujah, you'll have to work for it. And if you don't want to do that then I guess you don't really deserve to know, now do you?

Sound logic.

Mm. Talking to Davo, as usual. Was a tad irritated him at him for a few days after the Stampede, but it faded. What happened at the Stampede, you ask? Well, we went down a few days ago (wow, was it last Friday already?) and chilled, before going to see Our Lady Peace. Did I already talk about this? I'll check.

No, I didn't. Wait, I talked about it in the Lost Entry, I think. Not everything in that entry was a touchy subject.

So yes. The show was quite good, although we lost the people we were supposed to be meeting. One song in particular (not that I know what it was) was amazing... the lead dude climbed all the rigging and was at the top top of the stage. "I don't know how I'm going to get down," he stated. "But I have faith. My bandmembers'll help me. I'll get down somehow." And then, perched up there far above our heads, he started to sing. The sun's coming back up, or something similar. And after talking a little, and singing a little, he moved back towards the rigging, still singing. And as his voice and the crowd rose in energy (even the mosh paused a few moments), he climbed down. And that chorus came up again just as he was reaching the bottom.

Simple moments of beauty.

But yes. After that, there was le encore, since I think that was close to the last song. And for the encore, I manoeuvered forward with Becca and Davo holding on close behind. By the end, we were dead center and front. And when the final end came, and I turned to smile at Becs and Davo... Davo wasn't there. Becca had lost him, she explained. Since he was the main OLP fan, I was kinda disappointed he'd been lost.

Twenty minutes later, after Becs and I searched high and low and couldn't find him anywhere, both of us were a little more than disappointed. We were worried. The lead dude was out talking to people at the place where we assumed Dave'd been telling us about, but he wasn't there. An hour later, after many frantic cell phone calls and a shitload of worrying, Becca had no choice but to leave with her family. And I was left with no ride home, and no friends, period. And to make things worse, I was starting to get sick from being hungry (long story made short, if I don't eat often I get nauseous and headaches and other unpleasant stuff) but hadn't gotten a chance to eat. So I finally was giving up and heading towards the concessions when who do I see trailing behind the crowd of people we'd lost before the show, walking in the opposite direction?

And supremely unconcerned about the whole situation, he was. Hadn't checked his cell or even bothered to leave a message on Becs'. His 'group'? Just eaten. Didn't want to go on rides, so our horrendously overpriced rides-bracelets were wasted. And he claimed that we were leaving too soon for me to run and grab food for myself.

To be fair, I don't think he realized exactly how shitty a time Becs and I had looking for him. And I'm pretty sure he was buzzed over the show and the... er... 'smoky' air. But hey, whatever his reasons, he had a great day. He deserves it. Me? Well, call me a dweller, but personally my night was kinda ruined after that. Especially after my mother scummed me out on the ride home from his house.

So yes. Long story. The gist? I was irritated for a while. Why am I talking about it if I'm not bothered by it anymore? Doth the lady protest too much? Well, the whole thing still needed to be exorcised, lest the vague resentment resurface later. I'm not trying to overly protest; I'm just trying to make the point that it happened and it's done and whatever.

Random topic change.

I burned two arrows into my arm with arrow-shaped ice and salt. The original iceburn, back for more. The first one, on the upper arm facing down into me elbow, didn't come out much. It's just the three points and a bit of the stem that show. But I like it because it's abstract. The one facing up? I not only held it until my skin was frozen solid, I rubbed salt into it afterwards.

Why do I do these things? Why did I scratch myself until I bled over and over a few months back? Not just because of the Beauty in the Madness. That excuse can only be used once or twice, not over and over again.

Partly because I love scars, I know. And I love sores and cuts and burns and such while they're healing. But why? I'm not sure. Just like I'm not sure why I love piercings and pain so much. My mother asks me sarcastically if I really think it looks attractive, with the obvious answer being a dubious 'no'. But truly? Yes, I do. To me, at least. Will I regret it? Probably, although it's been four years or more since I started, and I don't regret it yet.

No regrets, my New Year's Resolution a year or two ago, remember?

Still.

And is it wrong to want a tattoo partly for the unique sensation of a needle flashing in and out of your body over and over?

But only partly for that reason.

Okay, this entry has obviously taken a turn for the darker.

So I shall end this entry, with India.Arie's "Strength, Courage and Wisdom" playing. Kind of a counterpoint, I suppose.

I was gonna only post a couple of lines from the song, but it's so great I'm forced to post the whole thing.

Inside my head there lives a dream
That I want to see in the sun
Behind my eyes there lives a me
That I've been hiding for much too long
'Cause I've been, too afraid to let it show
'Cause I'm scared of the judgment that may follow
Always putting off my living for tomorrow
It's time to step out on faith
I've gotta show my faith
It's been elusive for so long
But freedom is mine today
I've gotta step out on faith
It's time to show my faith
Procrastination had me down
But look what I have found, I found

Strength, courage, and wisdom
And it's been inside of me all along,
Strength, courage, and wisdom
Inside of me

Behind my pride there lives a me,
That knows humility
Inside my voice there is a soul
And in my soul there is a voice
But I've been, too afraid to make a choice
'Cause I'm scared of the things that I might be missing
Running too fast to stop and listen

It's time to step out on faith
I've gotta show my faith
It's been elusive for so long
But freedom is mine today
I've gotta step out on faith it's time to show my faith
Procrastination had me down
But look what I have found, I found

Strength, courage, and wisdom
And it's been inside of me all along,
Strength, courage, and wisdom
Inside of me

I close my eyes and I think of all the things
That I want to see
'Cause I know
Now that I've opened up my heart I know that
Anything I want can be
So let it be, so let it be:.

Strength, courage, and wisdom
It's been inside of me all along,
Strength, courage, wisdom
It's been inside of me all along,
Everyday I'm praying for:

Strength, courage, and wisdom
To find me, yeah,
Strength, courage, and wisdom
Inside of me

Vamp
I found it in me, I found it finally
I'm sure to keep it' cause I like it,
I say thank you.

Lah.