So, the pub we ended up going to (in the NEXT VILLAGE) turned out to be excellent. And entertaining.
And now it's morning, and we're on our way to Glastonbury!
Checkout this morning consisted of brekkie made by the awesome dude who lugged our luggage up the steep flight of stairs when we first arrived (and who owns the place with his wife), giving back keys to the same awesome dude , putting shit in the car, and having a fag. Easy and painless. And we finally got the voice working on the Nubi, whish Anne seems more inclined to listen to than us. Or maybe our way today is just more straightforward.
I guess we'll see!
Blair surfed the net last night, but the moment I got on it, it stopped working. Or maybe she got off of it because it stopped working, and neglected to mention it.
Whatever; either way, we didn't check this morning and the woman was telling us the cottage we're going to next has "one of them fancy V-something-Esses that plays those cassettes!" And "a gameboy that plugs into the TV!!" for if we get bored.
Somehow, I doubt there'll be internet there.
Ah, well!
Lah.
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Friday, June 27, 2008
With the Bad.
Woo.
I'm freezing, starving, and exhausted. And vaguely irritated, due to all three and Anne's bossiness and Blair's Blair-ness.
See, Anne doesn't trust technology. So although she gets me to locate us frequently on the handy Nuvi (GPS), she just as frequently doubts it and ignores its directions. It doesn't help that the Nuvi is often confusing--because the UK itself is confusing, with tiny roads, stunted cars, a definitive lack of traffic lights and a surplus of tiny traffic circles to replace them.
She also decided that instead of eating in Bath, where we just came from, we should drive allllll the way back to Avebury instead. Which proves that she doesn't know teens too well.
And of course, she's way too hot because we were walking around quite a bit and so she needs the freezing cold air turned on full blast.
So here Blair and I sit, bitchy and hungry, with Blair occasionally throwing out doubtful comments about the road/direction we're going in, making we want to throttle (or maybe eat) her, since it's hard enough to get Anne to follow directions spawned by the Nuvi, even if they've already been cross-referenced to the physical map (which she insists on, usually).
Pop goes the Kava Kava!
Oh, and Blair talked me into buying a PVC bustier that fits like a glove, for the low, low price of £40.
Bitch.
--
...Aaaaand all the tables at the pub we drove all this way for are completely booked, since it's Friday night and we didn't call ahead.
On to the next village.
Whee.
Oh, well.
Lah.
I'm freezing, starving, and exhausted. And vaguely irritated, due to all three and Anne's bossiness and Blair's Blair-ness.
See, Anne doesn't trust technology. So although she gets me to locate us frequently on the handy Nuvi (GPS), she just as frequently doubts it and ignores its directions. It doesn't help that the Nuvi is often confusing--because the UK itself is confusing, with tiny roads, stunted cars, a definitive lack of traffic lights and a surplus of tiny traffic circles to replace them.
She also decided that instead of eating in Bath, where we just came from, we should drive allllll the way back to Avebury instead. Which proves that she doesn't know teens too well.
And of course, she's way too hot because we were walking around quite a bit and so she needs the freezing cold air turned on full blast.
So here Blair and I sit, bitchy and hungry, with Blair occasionally throwing out doubtful comments about the road/direction we're going in, making we want to throttle (or maybe eat) her, since it's hard enough to get Anne to follow directions spawned by the Nuvi, even if they've already been cross-referenced to the physical map (which she insists on, usually).
Pop goes the Kava Kava!
Oh, and Blair talked me into buying a PVC bustier that fits like a glove, for the low, low price of £40.
Bitch.
--
...Aaaaand all the tables at the pub we drove all this way for are completely booked, since it's Friday night and we didn't call ahead.
On to the next village.
Whee.
Oh, well.
Lah.
Shaved trees and such.
West Kennett Long Barrow is one huge ridge with enormous underground burial chambers (although they were sealed permanently and purposefully 4000 years ago). And oak tree with prayer ribbons who gave me a leaf, and a huge Sycamore tree I sat in and who also gave me a leaf.
And then there were the stones. The amazing, amazing stones. They're big and gorgeous and surrounded bya ditch, that was originally a gorge with a big chalk wall around, grown over now, but the path is still set in it.
Anne is all about "why?", but I think that she needs to understand that sometimes, it doesn't matter. Her deduction is that the entire thing is an amplifier (which it definitely isS), with the stones as antennae. I agree, although it wasn't until I walked up the chalk hill path that it hit me with a wave of humming power. Those walls are amping it out, not in.
I kissed the stones, gave and asked my blessings, and in some cases, just said hello. Each one was different, although I don't think they are people, as such. They did have very individual personalities, though. One was so friendly I hugged him. Another, I touched my nose to and put up shields with, and used it to link into the ground. That one blessed me with a drop of water.
And then there was the center, with the Grandmammy and Daddy, off to the side watching over them.
It felt like everything in the fields of Avebury was deliberately places, every tree and bush. I wonder how old some of them are, how the humoungous trees must have once been babies, and I wonder which ancient trees have lived and gone in the lifetime of the stones. How aware these stones must be!
And lying on ley lines, to boot. Walking up to the barrow to the tomb, there was an exact line where I felt it. I looked up, and I could see the first stone of the tomb just over the crest of the hill. On the way back, I suddenly looked up again and turned, and it was the same spot.
Silbury hill we saw from a distance, particularly from the Barrow. It's a huge man-made hill where I think some important dead dude was buried. It just looks like a random hill in the middle of lots of fields, and it doesn't feel uber the way some of the other stuff. It's just always there. And then, when we drove right next to it, I looked out the window to see the wind whispering through the grass, and there was somethingthere. Something in the wind, in the grass, in the whispers.
I wish I could go walk up there and Listen. But the Head Druid apparently recently decreed that nobody can go up there anymore, just admire from a distance. If I were on my own or only with a partner in crime, I'd totally sneak up there.
And all the green growing things, the dampness in the air, the misty beauty of it all... I love it! Avebury would have been worht the trip alone (and we're only a day or two into the 6 weeks), but even just the atmosphere is amazing, seeing and realizing that North America is only part of the world, and a very small part at that. I mean, it's one thing to know, it's another thing to ecperience and discover.
Oooh, shaved trees!!
Sorry, we're driving to Bath right now, and there are oodles of bushy trees on either side of the country roads here. They've a very curious look to them, because only at the tops do they spill out over the road. Why? Because they're shaved!!
Lah.
PS. In case you haven't noticed, I'm posting my retroactive journal entries .
And then there were the stones. The amazing, amazing stones. They're big and gorgeous and surrounded bya ditch, that was originally a gorge with a big chalk wall around, grown over now, but the path is still set in it.
Anne is all about "why?", but I think that she needs to understand that sometimes, it doesn't matter. Her deduction is that the entire thing is an amplifier (which it definitely isS), with the stones as antennae. I agree, although it wasn't until I walked up the chalk hill path that it hit me with a wave of humming power. Those walls are amping it out, not in.
I kissed the stones, gave and asked my blessings, and in some cases, just said hello. Each one was different, although I don't think they are people, as such. They did have very individual personalities, though. One was so friendly I hugged him. Another, I touched my nose to and put up shields with, and used it to link into the ground. That one blessed me with a drop of water.
And then there was the center, with the Grandmammy and Daddy, off to the side watching over them.
It felt like everything in the fields of Avebury was deliberately places, every tree and bush. I wonder how old some of them are, how the humoungous trees must have once been babies, and I wonder which ancient trees have lived and gone in the lifetime of the stones. How aware these stones must be!
And lying on ley lines, to boot. Walking up to the barrow to the tomb, there was an exact line where I felt it. I looked up, and I could see the first stone of the tomb just over the crest of the hill. On the way back, I suddenly looked up again and turned, and it was the same spot.
Silbury hill we saw from a distance, particularly from the Barrow. It's a huge man-made hill where I think some important dead dude was buried. It just looks like a random hill in the middle of lots of fields, and it doesn't feel uber the way some of the other stuff. It's just always there. And then, when we drove right next to it, I looked out the window to see the wind whispering through the grass, and there was somethingthere. Something in the wind, in the grass, in the whispers.
I wish I could go walk up there and Listen. But the Head Druid apparently recently decreed that nobody can go up there anymore, just admire from a distance. If I were on my own or only with a partner in crime, I'd totally sneak up there.
And all the green growing things, the dampness in the air, the misty beauty of it all... I love it! Avebury would have been worht the trip alone (and we're only a day or two into the 6 weeks), but even just the atmosphere is amazing, seeing and realizing that North America is only part of the world, and a very small part at that. I mean, it's one thing to know, it's another thing to ecperience and discover.
Oooh, shaved trees!!
Sorry, we're driving to Bath right now, and there are oodles of bushy trees on either side of the country roads here. They've a very curious look to them, because only at the tops do they spill out over the road. Why? Because they're shaved!!
Lah.
PS. In case you haven't noticed, I'm posting my retroactive journal entries .
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Rings and Roses
Holy cow.
First of all, almost a year has passed since my last entry. And so many things have happened that, as usual, it's impossible to catch up.
So let's skip to tonight, at this moment.
I just came in from having a cigarette outside of a beautiful B&B in East Kennett, UK. It's just after 11 pm, and there's a soft rain falling outside, coating the entire British countryside with a layer of mist and the smell of damp night flowers blooming. Everything feels old and powerful, and gorgeous. Avebury, where I am, is the home of the largest collection of standing stones (think Stonehenge, but spread out over many fields and acres) in Europe. The stones are maybe a 20-minute walk from where we're staying, and the ancient power of the place coats the air more surely than the rain. My spirit is humming with gentle vibrations, and Marley is playing quietly in the background.
So imagine my surprise when Blair discovered that this place is equipped with wireless internet. Even though it's only our first day here, it feels like we've been here forever and Calgary is just a vague memory. I look at the clock and realize that it's only just after 4 pm back home, and the thought blows my mind.
I think I'll keep an update on my blog of this amazing journey through the UK, whenever I get the chance to get online, which I somehow don't think will be a priority for these first couple of weeks.
There are no words, no matter how carefully chosen, that can explain this place. Not just this place in Britain where I am, but the place I'm at in my heart and soul right now, the journey that I'm taking. I had about two days warning that I was coming, and to actually be lying here in this bed, looking across the narrow street at the small field that's the parking lot, or at the thatched roofs of some of the ancient homes around here, is unbelievable.
And let's not forget Avebury Henge. Whew. We've only driven around to explore, since we only got here a few hours ago, but the entire thing is amazing. Even the space it canvasses is amazing. It's not one location, seen from a distance, the way Stonehenge is (and Stonehenge is only a little ways away), it's all around us, spread out and open to anyone to walk through and experience. It permeates the air. Or maybe that's the spirits of the thousands (!!) of buried warriors under the rolling hills and lands in this area.
Well, I should probably head off to bed. I haven't really slept in the past few days, what with the hectickness of everything before stepping foot on the plane, and I have a good English breakfast waiting for me in the morning, and a day of exploring places so old and rooted in the land that I can't even really comprehend it, just feel it and soak it in. One more night here, then off to Cornwall.
Thank you Goddess, for giving me this oppurtunity and putting this journey into my life's path.
Thank you Mama and all my family and loves, for helping make it happen.
Thank you Anne and Blair, for bringing me with you.
Good night, love.
Lah.
PS. I'm posting journal entries from the trip soon, so there will be entries before and after this posted later.
First of all, almost a year has passed since my last entry. And so many things have happened that, as usual, it's impossible to catch up.
So let's skip to tonight, at this moment.
I just came in from having a cigarette outside of a beautiful B&B in East Kennett, UK. It's just after 11 pm, and there's a soft rain falling outside, coating the entire British countryside with a layer of mist and the smell of damp night flowers blooming. Everything feels old and powerful, and gorgeous. Avebury, where I am, is the home of the largest collection of standing stones (think Stonehenge, but spread out over many fields and acres) in Europe. The stones are maybe a 20-minute walk from where we're staying, and the ancient power of the place coats the air more surely than the rain. My spirit is humming with gentle vibrations, and Marley is playing quietly in the background.
So imagine my surprise when Blair discovered that this place is equipped with wireless internet. Even though it's only our first day here, it feels like we've been here forever and Calgary is just a vague memory. I look at the clock and realize that it's only just after 4 pm back home, and the thought blows my mind.
I think I'll keep an update on my blog of this amazing journey through the UK, whenever I get the chance to get online, which I somehow don't think will be a priority for these first couple of weeks.
There are no words, no matter how carefully chosen, that can explain this place. Not just this place in Britain where I am, but the place I'm at in my heart and soul right now, the journey that I'm taking. I had about two days warning that I was coming, and to actually be lying here in this bed, looking across the narrow street at the small field that's the parking lot, or at the thatched roofs of some of the ancient homes around here, is unbelievable.
And let's not forget Avebury Henge. Whew. We've only driven around to explore, since we only got here a few hours ago, but the entire thing is amazing. Even the space it canvasses is amazing. It's not one location, seen from a distance, the way Stonehenge is (and Stonehenge is only a little ways away), it's all around us, spread out and open to anyone to walk through and experience. It permeates the air. Or maybe that's the spirits of the thousands (!!) of buried warriors under the rolling hills and lands in this area.
Well, I should probably head off to bed. I haven't really slept in the past few days, what with the hectickness of everything before stepping foot on the plane, and I have a good English breakfast waiting for me in the morning, and a day of exploring places so old and rooted in the land that I can't even really comprehend it, just feel it and soak it in. One more night here, then off to Cornwall.
Thank you Goddess, for giving me this oppurtunity and putting this journey into my life's path.
Thank you Mama and all my family and loves, for helping make it happen.
Thank you Anne and Blair, for bringing me with you.
Good night, love.
Lah.
PS. I'm posting journal entries from the trip soon, so there will be entries before and after this posted later.
Waiting...
Sitting in an English garden
Waiting for the sun...
If the sun don't come
You'll get a tan from
Standing in the English rain
Well, here I am, still waiting.
She was supposed to be here 12-1 ish; it's 1 20. Much longer and I'll have to call. I'm almost 100% positive that I'm in the right spot. Of course, it's entirely possible she was delayed for one reason or another, but I'm still nervouse since I have no way of knowing anything without calling.
Kay, ten minutes more. That will have given her 2 hours to get out of the airport. At least the people here are friendly. And several people have checked me out already, although that might be my outfit...
Waiting for the sun...
If the sun don't come
You'll get a tan from
Standing in the English rain
Well, here I am, still waiting.
She was supposed to be here 12-1 ish; it's 1 20. Much longer and I'll have to call. I'm almost 100% positive that I'm in the right spot. Of course, it's entirely possible she was delayed for one reason or another, but I'm still nervouse since I have no way of knowing anything without calling.
Kay, ten minutes more. That will have given her 2 hours to get out of the airport. At least the people here are friendly. And several people have checked me out already, although that might be my outfit...
Welcome to Gatwick!
Whew. That plane ride just flew by (snicker, snicker).
And here I am, in Britain, with the sun on my back, waiting for Anne. Beautiful.
First thing I learned? Despite the periodic verbal announcements and huge red signs prohibiting smoking everywhere but the "designated areas", everyone smokes right outside the doors. Often sitting right on top of the conveniently located huge red signs, the way I'm doing.
Teehee.
Whew. This is all around funkay already. The UK, I mean, not the smoking thing.
I love my life!!
Being in the air was like being in stasis. If it got dark at any point during the flight, I didn't see it. I'm glad I slept on the plane, since despite it being 4 am back home, it was day when I left and I feel like I've been teleported here. I'm sure all the tiredness and fucked up sense of time will kick in eventually, but hey. I've been running on fumes for days now, so being tired ain't unusual, and my sense of time was never all there to begin with.
Whee!!
Lah.
And here I am, in Britain, with the sun on my back, waiting for Anne. Beautiful.
First thing I learned? Despite the periodic verbal announcements and huge red signs prohibiting smoking everywhere but the "designated areas", everyone smokes right outside the doors. Often sitting right on top of the conveniently located huge red signs, the way I'm doing.
Teehee.
Whew. This is all around funkay already. The UK, I mean, not the smoking thing.
I love my life!!
Being in the air was like being in stasis. If it got dark at any point during the flight, I didn't see it. I'm glad I slept on the plane, since despite it being 4 am back home, it was day when I left and I feel like I've been teleported here. I'm sure all the tiredness and fucked up sense of time will kick in eventually, but hey. I've been running on fumes for days now, so being tired ain't unusual, and my sense of time was never all there to begin with.
Whee!!
Lah.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Now Boarding
Well, here I am, waiting to board Air Canada flight 396 to London Gatwick Airport.
-shrieks wildly-
Hard to believe, three days ago the most exciting think was Inga leaving. Now, I'm leaving too. For 6 weeks, to the UK. What an experience. And the goddess is making damned sure I'm not only here, but under her conditions for the trip I guess I'm SUPPOSED to have.
Amazing and scary. And I'm flying alone, despite tripping with Anne and Blair. Over a month until I step foot back in Canada. Not even Calgary, Canada.
Guess I'm supposed to broaden my horizons, huh?
Thank you, Deesse. I love you.
Mmm. This feels right.
London. Avebury. Stonehenge. THE GLOBE THEATRE!!
*sigh* Everything's gonna be alright. Hell, it's gonna be fantastic! Awesome & Amazing! Whee!!
-is terrified-
...
...And here I am, still waiting...
An hour later...
Whoops, here we go!!
Lah.
-shrieks wildly-
Hard to believe, three days ago the most exciting think was Inga leaving. Now, I'm leaving too. For 6 weeks, to the UK. What an experience. And the goddess is making damned sure I'm not only here, but under her conditions for the trip I guess I'm SUPPOSED to have.
Amazing and scary. And I'm flying alone, despite tripping with Anne and Blair. Over a month until I step foot back in Canada. Not even Calgary, Canada.
Guess I'm supposed to broaden my horizons, huh?
Thank you, Deesse. I love you.
Mmm. This feels right.
London. Avebury. Stonehenge. THE GLOBE THEATRE!!
*sigh* Everything's gonna be alright. Hell, it's gonna be fantastic! Awesome & Amazing! Whee!!
-is terrified-
...
...And here I am, still waiting...
An hour later...
Whoops, here we go!!
Lah.
Monday, September 17, 2007
Kids' Games Grown Up.
Here we go again. Numb and cold and completely unknowing what to do.
Let's go back over the basic reason. It all started a week ago, when I got into a fight with Mama over going driving with Brian. This was... Thursday? Friday? And then, as I'm wont to do when I'm upset... I avoided both of them all weekend. In fact, Kellin (being more confrontational than I am) was friendlier than I was, but whenever he said anything, he got dirty looks... so he stopped too.
Everything came to a head on Sunday morning, over gas money. It ended in a screaming match and fistfight between me and my Mom. It summed up to (I'm not sure which) either Kellin was completely fucking up my life, or I was fucking up my own life and his too.
When I got picked up from Driver's Ed later that day, I argued with Brian the entire way home. I thought I got through to him, too. And after listening to him go on about how I should give Mama all my savings and such, I went into my account, pulled out a hundred bucks out of my untouchable savings, and handed it to him. He refused to take it, and told me I should give it to her myself. Fair enough. He had me there. He also told me I should apologize to her when I gave her it.
I still don't know what I was supposed to be apologizing for. Not saying hi when I came in? Shit that happened months ago? I didn't start the fight. Assumptions and misunderstandings started the fight. Maybe fear of confrontation on my part made it worse, and continued to make it worse over the past week, because tonight is my first night home since that day. But in retrospect, I'd have to say that Brian didn't help (the way I originally thought). Sick of listening to him expound Mama's virtues and my faults, I said fine. I'd give her the money, and then I'd be gone for the rest of the week. I still don't know whether he passed on that part of the message. I gave her the cash in the morning right before I left for work... confused and sad and--on and off--mad, the same feelings I'd been all weekend.
Let me state right now that Kellin may be a catalyst, but he wasn't and isn't the cause of many of things that propagated the fight. Every single thing I said was a thought I'd had for a long time... some of them, years. I do know that if I hadn't been with Kellin for so long, I might never have said any of the things on my mind. But they were, and are, my thoughts, not his. The biggest difference in the fights I've had with my mom over the years, and this fight with Kellin there was that when I ended up in my room, having panic attacks and freaking out and crying... instead of burying my head in Alaska (my stuffed polar bear), I buried my head in his shoulder.
We didn't escape to my room to scream and bitch about her, or to go fuck out our sorrows, or even to smoke large quantities of pot to fry our brains. Hell, I didn't even do what I used to do, and hurt myself. I just cried.
And as promised, I didn't come home the next day, or the day after that. Not because I love Kellin's family so much better than mine... because I didn't want to be in my house. I was sick of crying. I am sick of crying. I didn't want to have to talk with Mama... I didn't want to spend the next week trapped in my house, begging for rides, hiding in my room the way I had all weekend. Kellin is the next closest person to me. I had already spent my Driver's Ed texting Blair, and if I'd had a car, I would have probably driven over to her house that night.
I wasn't actually planning on staying a whole week, after I got over my initial anger. But I still hadn't heard from Mama, and a couple of days after I left home, Kai called me from his cell phone at the park, super upset. Apparently, Mama had a hissy fit during his haircut. So... she hadn't calmed down at all, it seemed... and I knew that the fight was tied to me.
I believe my exact thought was "fuck going home".
The week was not spent partying, either. The week was spent going to bed early and waking up earlier. Anybody's illusions would be dashed by having to wake up at 4 30 am every morning.
On Thursday or Friday, I had to get my ass in gear and come to a decision: obviously, I couldn't hide at Kellin's forever. So I said Monday. I'd go home after Driver's Ed on Monday. That's what I told Kellin when he started to pester me to call my mother and settle things. That's what I told Michelle, too. And today, when I called the house from work, Brian picked up. He seemed friendly enough, so I felt a little better. He promised to pick me up at 7.
By 6 20, I was stressed. I nearly flipped at my instructor, but I stopped myself, because I won't be able to handle my test if I can't drive well under pressure. When I got out of the car (finally) and Brian was nowhere to be found, I checked my messages on my voicemail. A lovely one from my Uncle, telling me if I didn't call him back he'd come to Calgary and slap me, and that Mama had been calling him crying, and this "boy" I was dating--
-click-
I hung up on it. I knew the gist already, I couldn't call him back on my cell anyways because it was long distance, and my stress level had shot back up to verge of tears. Funny how just the prospect of going home to everything put me right back to a week ago; endless tears.
So I sat. Waited. Froze my butt off. A week obviously hadn't made a difference... none at all. After a half hour, I performed the usual rounds of calling that occur whenever my ride is way late. Found out Brian went to Chinook for whatever reason (which was nowhere near where I was or where I told him to pick me up). Mama sounded pissed when I called; Brian was obviously pissed when he finally called me and found out I wasn't at Chinook (the misunderstanding was all my fault, of course). Lovely homecoming, no?
In the car, I was informed by Brian that Mama probably wouldn't have much to say to me when I got home, but he would speak for her. The gist:
- Kellin is never allowed to set foot in the house or the car again, or Uncle Ty will come here, kick the shit out of him, and Mama and Brian will call the school board and really fuck him up. I quote on the school board part.
- I'm apparently marrying him. Because I'm pregnant. Funny, since I've told everyone (including Kellin) that I have no desire to get married at all, never mind anytime soon.
- Michelle was an alcoholic when she had Kellin, Kellin is an alcoholic and will be forever, and I'm going to be fighting an uphill battle against his alcoholism my entire life.
- They've discovered all my secrets via Facebook, including but not limited to the marriage thing, and Kellin attempting to subvert Uncle Ty (who has told him to go fuck himself, Brian added smugly).
- By not calling my mother, I completely destroyed her life and she had no way of knowing whether I was alive (funny, Kai managed to call me fine on my cell when he was upset).
- While he has every bit of confidence that I'll go to University, apparently I'm going to spend from now 'til the day I start stoned and be stupid by the time I get there. Never mind that the last bit of pot I bought, I've now had since Saturday with more than half remaining. I'm not stoned now and haven't been since I smoked a small bowl before work this morning (which has been my tradition now for at least two years, with no apparent ill effects).
- I have abandoned all my friends and refuse to speak to them or see them (obviously they didn't look too hard at my Facebook or they would have seen all the wall posts and messages where I'm catching up with the friends who've moved--which is most of them, for post-sec--and trying to make arrangements with the others). This abandonment would be to give myself mind, body and soul to Kellin, I'd assume.
But, at the same time...
- My family is ready and willing to give me anything I could possibly want, ready to allow me to do anything I want, and ready and willing to give me a ride anywhere with no problems.
And so, I'm at a loss.
I arrived home bemused, numb, and with renewed determination to avoid Mama's anger. When I first logged onto the computer, checked my email and saw that there are notes from Mama on my Facebook, I expected more screaming, more judgmental comments. A week's worth of bitching from her, my uncle, and everyone else she could convince to listen. After all, after our fight the first thing she did was call up Michelle (who didn't take a side).
I didn't expect a quiet note or two saying that Mama loved me. I didn't expect absolutely nothing from anyone else (excluding friends' replies), including nothing at all from Uncle Ty to Kellin. And now I'm more confused than ever.
Everyone seems to have given me up for a lost cause. Losing my intelligence, getting fucked up all the time, with no thought or plan for the future. Meanwhile, I feel like I'm alone in the middle of an enormous tug of war. I'm trying to fight the downward spiral of being broke and 'getting by' on one hand. I don't want to end up like Michelle and Kilo, but I don't want to end up like Mama either. I don't want to be rich... I just don't want to have to worry about money, and I want to be happy. It's easy to go to school your entire life and not think about it because it's something you have to do. That's what all my friends are doing. They can party and do whatever they want because their lives are just starting. They have the money and career issues, but they can always fall back on their parents. They don't have to really start thinking yet. I like learning and I like school and I'm trying to fight my own natural desire to not think about the future and just settle. I'm willing to help Kellin fight it too, as long as I know it's not for nothing and he doesn't intend to let his life stagnate, either.
Trying to be responsible without squeezing all the fun out of your life and alienating everyone is hard. It's even harder when the people who are supposed to be on your side are telling you that you're not doing it well enough and try to take control and do it for you. I'm trying to save money and make plans and keep believing that if I try hard enough and keep enough faith, I'll have the life I want. How the fuck do I explain that when I don't get the chance to speak? How the fuck do I make both sides understand that I'm trying, goddamnit?
More than the fact that I don't want to, I don't see why I should have to choose between Kellin and my family. I think that the problems that Mama and Brian seem to have with him are more problems with me that they're blaming on him. All the things I've been fighting about since I was 12 are now suddenly Kellin's fault. Instead of comforting me, he's subverting me. And as the animosity builds against him, his family's animosity builds towards mine because of what Kellin perceives as my family's mistreatment of me and what his family perceives as haughtiness. I feel like I'm stuck as the middleman in a giant game of telephone, purposely editing conversations both ways to try and keep the peace, always worrying about both sides being happy.
The ruiner from Nine Inch Nails' song is wandering around spreading discord. All these little things have become so big. Even though I know that part of what makes it worse and worse is the fact that nobody will talk it out and everyone hides everything until it all gets bigger and bigger and it explodes everywhere the way it's doing now. And I don't know how to fix it. I don't even want to go upstairs. I don't want to come home tomorrow. Brian seems to be a warmonger. Mama's notes make me think and wish that everything can be okay again, but Brian says the opposite and every time I speak to her about the littlest thing I can hear the condemnation in her voice.
I guess that's what it all boils down to. I can't stand to face that condemnation. It frustrates me, because I don't think I deserve it. It makes me sad, because I want Mama to believe me and believe in me. And it makes me uncontrollably mad, because while she's busy yelling and condemning, she refuses to listen to or give credence to anything I say. It's wrong before I even get it out. And then there's only tears, since she has a talent for making me cry. Like now, though we've probably said three words to each other since the fight.
And now I'm going to go to bed. I'll wake up tomorrow morning, worry about a ride, get to work one way or another... and then I don't know. I know I have to come home. But I don't want to. It doesn't feel like home when I'm always hiding.
It feels like Daddy's living in the house again, and he's not even in the country. At Kellin's house I can walk around freely and not watch every step and every word (which is why I was there a week), but I don't have my cat or my computer or my books. At home, I have the things but not the comfort. And nowhere do I have freedom, no matter what Brian and Mama scream at me. Freedom isn't being able to do anything without consequences... it's being able to use your own judgment and being allowed to deal with the repercussions on your own.
Did that make sense? The thought and feeling are there, but I can't express it properly. Story of my life, or at least my life recently.
Bedtime. I still feel lost, and still have no idea what's going to happen except probably more avoidance. But I don't know what else I can do, either. Right now, I just want to cuddle with my cat and forget the rest of the world. Tomorrow's gonna suck. Everyone's solutions might make it better for them, or make a point, but they sure as fuck make my life harder.
Lah.
Let's go back over the basic reason. It all started a week ago, when I got into a fight with Mama over going driving with Brian. This was... Thursday? Friday? And then, as I'm wont to do when I'm upset... I avoided both of them all weekend. In fact, Kellin (being more confrontational than I am) was friendlier than I was, but whenever he said anything, he got dirty looks... so he stopped too.
Everything came to a head on Sunday morning, over gas money. It ended in a screaming match and fistfight between me and my Mom. It summed up to (I'm not sure which) either Kellin was completely fucking up my life, or I was fucking up my own life and his too.
When I got picked up from Driver's Ed later that day, I argued with Brian the entire way home. I thought I got through to him, too. And after listening to him go on about how I should give Mama all my savings and such, I went into my account, pulled out a hundred bucks out of my untouchable savings, and handed it to him. He refused to take it, and told me I should give it to her myself. Fair enough. He had me there. He also told me I should apologize to her when I gave her it.
I still don't know what I was supposed to be apologizing for. Not saying hi when I came in? Shit that happened months ago? I didn't start the fight. Assumptions and misunderstandings started the fight. Maybe fear of confrontation on my part made it worse, and continued to make it worse over the past week, because tonight is my first night home since that day. But in retrospect, I'd have to say that Brian didn't help (the way I originally thought). Sick of listening to him expound Mama's virtues and my faults, I said fine. I'd give her the money, and then I'd be gone for the rest of the week. I still don't know whether he passed on that part of the message. I gave her the cash in the morning right before I left for work... confused and sad and--on and off--mad, the same feelings I'd been all weekend.
Let me state right now that Kellin may be a catalyst, but he wasn't and isn't the cause of many of things that propagated the fight. Every single thing I said was a thought I'd had for a long time... some of them, years. I do know that if I hadn't been with Kellin for so long, I might never have said any of the things on my mind. But they were, and are, my thoughts, not his. The biggest difference in the fights I've had with my mom over the years, and this fight with Kellin there was that when I ended up in my room, having panic attacks and freaking out and crying... instead of burying my head in Alaska (my stuffed polar bear), I buried my head in his shoulder.
We didn't escape to my room to scream and bitch about her, or to go fuck out our sorrows, or even to smoke large quantities of pot to fry our brains. Hell, I didn't even do what I used to do, and hurt myself. I just cried.
And as promised, I didn't come home the next day, or the day after that. Not because I love Kellin's family so much better than mine... because I didn't want to be in my house. I was sick of crying. I am sick of crying. I didn't want to have to talk with Mama... I didn't want to spend the next week trapped in my house, begging for rides, hiding in my room the way I had all weekend. Kellin is the next closest person to me. I had already spent my Driver's Ed texting Blair, and if I'd had a car, I would have probably driven over to her house that night.
I wasn't actually planning on staying a whole week, after I got over my initial anger. But I still hadn't heard from Mama, and a couple of days after I left home, Kai called me from his cell phone at the park, super upset. Apparently, Mama had a hissy fit during his haircut. So... she hadn't calmed down at all, it seemed... and I knew that the fight was tied to me.
I believe my exact thought was "fuck going home".
The week was not spent partying, either. The week was spent going to bed early and waking up earlier. Anybody's illusions would be dashed by having to wake up at 4 30 am every morning.
On Thursday or Friday, I had to get my ass in gear and come to a decision: obviously, I couldn't hide at Kellin's forever. So I said Monday. I'd go home after Driver's Ed on Monday. That's what I told Kellin when he started to pester me to call my mother and settle things. That's what I told Michelle, too. And today, when I called the house from work, Brian picked up. He seemed friendly enough, so I felt a little better. He promised to pick me up at 7.
By 6 20, I was stressed. I nearly flipped at my instructor, but I stopped myself, because I won't be able to handle my test if I can't drive well under pressure. When I got out of the car (finally) and Brian was nowhere to be found, I checked my messages on my voicemail. A lovely one from my Uncle, telling me if I didn't call him back he'd come to Calgary and slap me, and that Mama had been calling him crying, and this "boy" I was dating--
-click-
I hung up on it. I knew the gist already, I couldn't call him back on my cell anyways because it was long distance, and my stress level had shot back up to verge of tears. Funny how just the prospect of going home to everything put me right back to a week ago; endless tears.
So I sat. Waited. Froze my butt off. A week obviously hadn't made a difference... none at all. After a half hour, I performed the usual rounds of calling that occur whenever my ride is way late. Found out Brian went to Chinook for whatever reason (which was nowhere near where I was or where I told him to pick me up). Mama sounded pissed when I called; Brian was obviously pissed when he finally called me and found out I wasn't at Chinook (the misunderstanding was all my fault, of course). Lovely homecoming, no?
In the car, I was informed by Brian that Mama probably wouldn't have much to say to me when I got home, but he would speak for her. The gist:
- Kellin is never allowed to set foot in the house or the car again, or Uncle Ty will come here, kick the shit out of him, and Mama and Brian will call the school board and really fuck him up. I quote on the school board part.
- I'm apparently marrying him. Because I'm pregnant. Funny, since I've told everyone (including Kellin) that I have no desire to get married at all, never mind anytime soon.
- Michelle was an alcoholic when she had Kellin, Kellin is an alcoholic and will be forever, and I'm going to be fighting an uphill battle against his alcoholism my entire life.
- They've discovered all my secrets via Facebook, including but not limited to the marriage thing, and Kellin attempting to subvert Uncle Ty (who has told him to go fuck himself, Brian added smugly).
- By not calling my mother, I completely destroyed her life and she had no way of knowing whether I was alive (funny, Kai managed to call me fine on my cell when he was upset).
- While he has every bit of confidence that I'll go to University, apparently I'm going to spend from now 'til the day I start stoned and be stupid by the time I get there. Never mind that the last bit of pot I bought, I've now had since Saturday with more than half remaining. I'm not stoned now and haven't been since I smoked a small bowl before work this morning (which has been my tradition now for at least two years, with no apparent ill effects).
- I have abandoned all my friends and refuse to speak to them or see them (obviously they didn't look too hard at my Facebook or they would have seen all the wall posts and messages where I'm catching up with the friends who've moved--which is most of them, for post-sec--and trying to make arrangements with the others). This abandonment would be to give myself mind, body and soul to Kellin, I'd assume.
But, at the same time...
- My family is ready and willing to give me anything I could possibly want, ready to allow me to do anything I want, and ready and willing to give me a ride anywhere with no problems.
And so, I'm at a loss.
I arrived home bemused, numb, and with renewed determination to avoid Mama's anger. When I first logged onto the computer, checked my email and saw that there are notes from Mama on my Facebook, I expected more screaming, more judgmental comments. A week's worth of bitching from her, my uncle, and everyone else she could convince to listen. After all, after our fight the first thing she did was call up Michelle (who didn't take a side).
I didn't expect a quiet note or two saying that Mama loved me. I didn't expect absolutely nothing from anyone else (excluding friends' replies), including nothing at all from Uncle Ty to Kellin. And now I'm more confused than ever.
Everyone seems to have given me up for a lost cause. Losing my intelligence, getting fucked up all the time, with no thought or plan for the future. Meanwhile, I feel like I'm alone in the middle of an enormous tug of war. I'm trying to fight the downward spiral of being broke and 'getting by' on one hand. I don't want to end up like Michelle and Kilo, but I don't want to end up like Mama either. I don't want to be rich... I just don't want to have to worry about money, and I want to be happy. It's easy to go to school your entire life and not think about it because it's something you have to do. That's what all my friends are doing. They can party and do whatever they want because their lives are just starting. They have the money and career issues, but they can always fall back on their parents. They don't have to really start thinking yet. I like learning and I like school and I'm trying to fight my own natural desire to not think about the future and just settle. I'm willing to help Kellin fight it too, as long as I know it's not for nothing and he doesn't intend to let his life stagnate, either.
Trying to be responsible without squeezing all the fun out of your life and alienating everyone is hard. It's even harder when the people who are supposed to be on your side are telling you that you're not doing it well enough and try to take control and do it for you. I'm trying to save money and make plans and keep believing that if I try hard enough and keep enough faith, I'll have the life I want. How the fuck do I explain that when I don't get the chance to speak? How the fuck do I make both sides understand that I'm trying, goddamnit?
More than the fact that I don't want to, I don't see why I should have to choose between Kellin and my family. I think that the problems that Mama and Brian seem to have with him are more problems with me that they're blaming on him. All the things I've been fighting about since I was 12 are now suddenly Kellin's fault. Instead of comforting me, he's subverting me. And as the animosity builds against him, his family's animosity builds towards mine because of what Kellin perceives as my family's mistreatment of me and what his family perceives as haughtiness. I feel like I'm stuck as the middleman in a giant game of telephone, purposely editing conversations both ways to try and keep the peace, always worrying about both sides being happy.
The ruiner from Nine Inch Nails' song is wandering around spreading discord. All these little things have become so big. Even though I know that part of what makes it worse and worse is the fact that nobody will talk it out and everyone hides everything until it all gets bigger and bigger and it explodes everywhere the way it's doing now. And I don't know how to fix it. I don't even want to go upstairs. I don't want to come home tomorrow. Brian seems to be a warmonger. Mama's notes make me think and wish that everything can be okay again, but Brian says the opposite and every time I speak to her about the littlest thing I can hear the condemnation in her voice.
I guess that's what it all boils down to. I can't stand to face that condemnation. It frustrates me, because I don't think I deserve it. It makes me sad, because I want Mama to believe me and believe in me. And it makes me uncontrollably mad, because while she's busy yelling and condemning, she refuses to listen to or give credence to anything I say. It's wrong before I even get it out. And then there's only tears, since she has a talent for making me cry. Like now, though we've probably said three words to each other since the fight.
And now I'm going to go to bed. I'll wake up tomorrow morning, worry about a ride, get to work one way or another... and then I don't know. I know I have to come home. But I don't want to. It doesn't feel like home when I'm always hiding.
It feels like Daddy's living in the house again, and he's not even in the country. At Kellin's house I can walk around freely and not watch every step and every word (which is why I was there a week), but I don't have my cat or my computer or my books. At home, I have the things but not the comfort. And nowhere do I have freedom, no matter what Brian and Mama scream at me. Freedom isn't being able to do anything without consequences... it's being able to use your own judgment and being allowed to deal with the repercussions on your own.
Did that make sense? The thought and feeling are there, but I can't express it properly. Story of my life, or at least my life recently.
Bedtime. I still feel lost, and still have no idea what's going to happen except probably more avoidance. But I don't know what else I can do, either. Right now, I just want to cuddle with my cat and forget the rest of the world. Tomorrow's gonna suck. Everyone's solutions might make it better for them, or make a point, but they sure as fuck make my life harder.
Lah.
Monday, July 30, 2007
A Moment for Widow.
*sigh*
I'm tired.
But hey, what else is new? I've got a new, full-time job working at Woody's RV World detailing RVs (insert sneer, a la Mama, here), and I've got a full life. Kellin's in the middle of moving, and I've got his cats staying in my room for a couple of days in the meantime.
Mama is, as usual, being terrorized by Fil and has responded by going totally insane. No surprise there, either. You know, for someone with a life as crazy and weird as mine, it's sometimes scarily predictable.
And now for a random change of subject.
I've lost one of my kitties, and I'd like to just dedicate a moment to Widow, my lovely grey familiar with the golden eyes. She disappeared a couple of weeks ago when I was at Kellin's, a most unusual thing since she's not one to wander much further than the neighbour's house. Despite all our efforts and my prayers, she has disappeared off the face of the earth.
Mama says, quite seriously, that she went to commune with the Mothership or equivalent, since Widow had such power when she looked at you that none of us really thought she was truly a cat.
Kai just says we're lucky not to have found pieces of her.
As for me? Even if I never see her again, I wish that I could at least find out what really happened to my Widow, because I honestly have no idea. I miss her, though...
I still have Trace, my little black hunter. And I still have Blunt and Pinner, Kellin's two sweeties. And I love them all, and am grateful for them.
But Widow was my familiar, the one of all of them who was my cat. I picked her out, brought her home, and was her familiar as much as she's mine.
So a moment for her, and a prayer that somehow she'll come back.
Lah.
I'm tired.
But hey, what else is new? I've got a new, full-time job working at Woody's RV World detailing RVs (insert sneer, a la Mama, here), and I've got a full life. Kellin's in the middle of moving, and I've got his cats staying in my room for a couple of days in the meantime.
Mama is, as usual, being terrorized by Fil and has responded by going totally insane. No surprise there, either. You know, for someone with a life as crazy and weird as mine, it's sometimes scarily predictable.
And now for a random change of subject.
I've lost one of my kitties, and I'd like to just dedicate a moment to Widow, my lovely grey familiar with the golden eyes. She disappeared a couple of weeks ago when I was at Kellin's, a most unusual thing since she's not one to wander much further than the neighbour's house. Despite all our efforts and my prayers, she has disappeared off the face of the earth.
Mama says, quite seriously, that she went to commune with the Mothership or equivalent, since Widow had such power when she looked at you that none of us really thought she was truly a cat.
Kai just says we're lucky not to have found pieces of her.
As for me? Even if I never see her again, I wish that I could at least find out what really happened to my Widow, because I honestly have no idea. I miss her, though...
I still have Trace, my little black hunter. And I still have Blunt and Pinner, Kellin's two sweeties. And I love them all, and am grateful for them.
But Widow was my familiar, the one of all of them who was my cat. I picked her out, brought her home, and was her familiar as much as she's mine.
So a moment for her, and a prayer that somehow she'll come back.
Lah.
Thursday, May 31, 2007
Self-Pity.
I don't know what to do.
I just feel completely numbed out. I probably look shell-shocked. Eyes wide and barely focused, mouth hanging open slightly, my voice barely above a whisper, with the occasional tear still running down my cheek independant of my thoughts.
I don't give a fuck anymore.
I don't know how I'm going to get up tomorrow morning. Or the morning after that. Or how I keep getting up day after day. Work. Smoke. Work. Fuck. Work. Smoke. Sleep. Wake up. And start over.
I know that this is melodramatic. Those who agree, please read the third paragraph down from the top of this entry again.
I don't want to get stoned and make it go away. I don't care enough to want to make it go away. I just want to curl up into the fetal position and stay there.
Half an hour ago I hated Kellin. All I wanted was for him to think about something other than weed for a change. All I wanted was for him to be there when I got off work. To see a friendly face. His friendly face. But I don't want a big deal to be made over me. I want things simple. Everything has a price. Now he's saying he'll try and get out here... but at the price of Adam bitching to everybody about me. At the price of him trying to find gas money, or being resentful because I cut his evening short, or whatever.
WHATEVER.
I'm not worth it. It's not worth it. But I don't want to call back again. Why not? I don't know. So I won't be an even bigger bother. So that I don't have to face the chance of speaking to Adam again. Because I just don't care enough to.
My feet hurt. Maybe I should take off the rollerblades. I'm cold. Maybe I should put on a sweater or something. Maybe I don't care enough to. Maybe the part of my brain that's a writer just relishes the idea of him rushing to the rescue to find me in such poor condition.
There are no sharp objects nearby. Probably a good thing.
Ten oclock. Why does it feel like it's so much earlier? Maybe because I worked so long already today that it feels like it's never going to end. It's getting dark, I think. I can kinda see outside. I don't want it to get dark. I don't know why.
The moon is full tonight. Maybe that's part of why I feel so horrible.
Let me predict the present. Kellin's driving around. Laughing, smoking the 20 bag he bought with the 20 dollars he managed to get out. Out of the corner of his mind he's worried about me, but he's not sure what to do. Adam is whispering bull into his ear, until he sees that he can benefit, which is when he switches tacks and plays along to Kellin's emotions while attempting to manipulate the situation to his own benefit.
I could hate him.
But... I don't. He's a sad and pathetic little man.
Why am I wasting space talking about him?
Why am I wasting space talking?
Why am I wasting space?
And here comes the phone call... he can't find a way out here. He'll call me back after he smokes a joint. He tried to find a way out here despite his mom wanting to take him somewhere or do something (maybe take him to the doctor since he's apparently puking up blood?), because I said the time we spoke that started all of this that I wanted to kill myself. No drama there. No joking. I probably won't. But I'd like to. Not so that people will notice me or pay attention to me or feel sorry for me... just because I simply can't take it anymore. I can't do this anymore.
I just feel completely numbed out. I probably look shell-shocked. Eyes wide and barely focused, mouth hanging open slightly, my voice barely above a whisper, with the occasional tear still running down my cheek independant of my thoughts.
I don't give a fuck anymore.
I don't know how I'm going to get up tomorrow morning. Or the morning after that. Or how I keep getting up day after day. Work. Smoke. Work. Fuck. Work. Smoke. Sleep. Wake up. And start over.
I know that this is melodramatic. Those who agree, please read the third paragraph down from the top of this entry again.
I don't want to get stoned and make it go away. I don't care enough to want to make it go away. I just want to curl up into the fetal position and stay there.
Half an hour ago I hated Kellin. All I wanted was for him to think about something other than weed for a change. All I wanted was for him to be there when I got off work. To see a friendly face. His friendly face. But I don't want a big deal to be made over me. I want things simple. Everything has a price. Now he's saying he'll try and get out here... but at the price of Adam bitching to everybody about me. At the price of him trying to find gas money, or being resentful because I cut his evening short, or whatever.
WHATEVER.
I'm not worth it. It's not worth it. But I don't want to call back again. Why not? I don't know. So I won't be an even bigger bother. So that I don't have to face the chance of speaking to Adam again. Because I just don't care enough to.
My feet hurt. Maybe I should take off the rollerblades. I'm cold. Maybe I should put on a sweater or something. Maybe I don't care enough to. Maybe the part of my brain that's a writer just relishes the idea of him rushing to the rescue to find me in such poor condition.
There are no sharp objects nearby. Probably a good thing.
Ten oclock. Why does it feel like it's so much earlier? Maybe because I worked so long already today that it feels like it's never going to end. It's getting dark, I think. I can kinda see outside. I don't want it to get dark. I don't know why.
The moon is full tonight. Maybe that's part of why I feel so horrible.
Let me predict the present. Kellin's driving around. Laughing, smoking the 20 bag he bought with the 20 dollars he managed to get out. Out of the corner of his mind he's worried about me, but he's not sure what to do. Adam is whispering bull into his ear, until he sees that he can benefit, which is when he switches tacks and plays along to Kellin's emotions while attempting to manipulate the situation to his own benefit.
I could hate him.
But... I don't. He's a sad and pathetic little man.
Why am I wasting space talking about him?
Why am I wasting space talking?
Why am I wasting space?
And here comes the phone call... he can't find a way out here. He'll call me back after he smokes a joint. He tried to find a way out here despite his mom wanting to take him somewhere or do something (maybe take him to the doctor since he's apparently puking up blood?), because I said the time we spoke that started all of this that I wanted to kill myself. No drama there. No joking. I probably won't. But I'd like to. Not so that people will notice me or pay attention to me or feel sorry for me... just because I simply can't take it anymore. I can't do this anymore.
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