Kids' Games Grown Up.

Here we go again. Numb and cold and completely unknowing what to do.

Let's go back over the basic reason. It all started a week ago, when I got into a fight with Mama over going driving with Brian. This was... Thursday? Friday? And then, as I'm wont to do when I'm upset... I avoided both of them all weekend. In fact, Kellin (being more confrontational than I am) was friendlier than I was, but whenever he said anything, he got dirty looks... so he stopped too.

Everything came to a head on Sunday morning, over gas money. It ended in a screaming match and fistfight between me and my Mom. It summed up to (I'm not sure which) either Kellin was completely fucking up my life, or I was fucking up my own life and his too.

When I got picked up from Driver's Ed later that day, I argued with Brian the entire way home. I thought I got through to him, too. And after listening to him go on about how I should give Mama all my savings and such, I went into my account, pulled out a hundred bucks out of my untouchable savings, and handed it to him. He refused to take it, and told me I should give it to her myself. Fair enough. He had me there. He also told me I should apologize to her when I gave her it.

I still don't know what I was supposed to be apologizing for. Not saying hi when I came in? Shit that happened months ago? I didn't start the fight. Assumptions and misunderstandings started the fight. Maybe fear of confrontation on my part made it worse, and continued to make it worse over the past week, because tonight is my first night home since that day. But in retrospect, I'd have to say that Brian didn't help (the way I originally thought). Sick of listening to him expound Mama's virtues and my faults, I said fine. I'd give her the money, and then I'd be gone for the rest of the week. I still don't know whether he passed on that part of the message. I gave her the cash in the morning right before I left for work... confused and sad and--on and off--mad, the same feelings I'd been all weekend.

Let me state right now that Kellin may be a catalyst, but he wasn't and isn't the cause of many of things that propagated the fight. Every single thing I said was a thought I'd had for a long time... some of them, years. I do know that if I hadn't been with Kellin for so long, I might never have said any of the things on my mind. But they were, and are, my thoughts, not his. The biggest difference in the fights I've had with my mom over the years, and this fight with Kellin there was that when I ended up in my room, having panic attacks and freaking out and crying... instead of burying my head in Alaska (my stuffed polar bear), I buried my head in his shoulder.

We didn't escape to my room to scream and bitch about her, or to go fuck out our sorrows, or even to smoke large quantities of pot to fry our brains. Hell, I didn't even do what I used to do, and hurt myself. I just cried.

And as promised, I didn't come home the next day, or the day after that. Not because I love Kellin's family so much better than mine... because I didn't want to be in my house. I was sick of crying. I am sick of crying. I didn't want to have to talk with Mama... I didn't want to spend the next week trapped in my house, begging for rides, hiding in my room the way I had all weekend. Kellin is the next closest person to me. I had already spent my Driver's Ed texting Blair, and if I'd had a car, I would have probably driven over to her house that night.

I wasn't actually planning on staying a whole week, after I got over my initial anger. But I still hadn't heard from Mama, and a couple of days after I left home, Kai called me from his cell phone at the park, super upset. Apparently, Mama had a hissy fit during his haircut. So... she hadn't calmed down at all, it seemed... and I knew that the fight was tied to me.

I believe my exact thought was "fuck going home".

The week was not spent partying, either. The week was spent going to bed early and waking up earlier. Anybody's illusions would be dashed by having to wake up at 4 30 am every morning.

On Thursday or Friday, I had to get my ass in gear and come to a decision: obviously, I couldn't hide at Kellin's forever. So I said Monday. I'd go home after Driver's Ed on Monday. That's what I told Kellin when he started to pester me to call my mother and settle things. That's what I told Michelle, too. And today, when I called the house from work, Brian picked up. He seemed friendly enough, so I felt a little better. He promised to pick me up at 7.

By 6 20, I was stressed. I nearly flipped at my instructor, but I stopped myself, because I won't be able to handle my test if I can't drive well under pressure. When I got out of the car (finally) and Brian was nowhere to be found, I checked my messages on my voicemail. A lovely one from my Uncle, telling me if I didn't call him back he'd come to Calgary and slap me, and that Mama had been calling him crying, and this "boy" I was dating--

-click-

I hung up on it. I knew the gist already, I couldn't call him back on my cell anyways because it was long distance, and my stress level had shot back up to verge of tears. Funny how just the prospect of going home to everything put me right back to a week ago; endless tears.

So I sat. Waited. Froze my butt off. A week obviously hadn't made a difference... none at all. After a half hour, I performed the usual rounds of calling that occur whenever my ride is way late. Found out Brian went to Chinook for whatever reason (which was nowhere near where I was or where I told him to pick me up). Mama sounded pissed when I called; Brian was obviously pissed when he finally called me and found out I wasn't at Chinook (the misunderstanding was all my fault, of course). Lovely homecoming, no?

In the car, I was informed by Brian that Mama probably wouldn't have much to say to me when I got home, but he would speak for her. The gist:

- Kellin is never allowed to set foot in the house or the car again, or Uncle Ty will come here, kick the shit out of him, and Mama and Brian will call the school board and really fuck him up. I quote on the school board part.

- I'm apparently marrying him. Because I'm pregnant. Funny, since I've told everyone (including Kellin) that I have no desire to get married at all, never mind anytime soon.

- Michelle was an alcoholic when she had Kellin, Kellin is an alcoholic and will be forever, and I'm going to be fighting an uphill battle against his alcoholism my entire life.

- They've discovered all my secrets via Facebook, including but not limited to the marriage thing, and Kellin attempting to subvert Uncle Ty (who has told him to go fuck himself, Brian added smugly).

- By not calling my mother, I completely destroyed her life and she had no way of knowing whether I was alive (funny, Kai managed to call me fine on my cell when he was upset).

- While he has every bit of confidence that I'll go to University, apparently I'm going to spend from now 'til the day I start stoned and be stupid by the time I get there. Never mind that the last bit of pot I bought, I've now had since Saturday with more than half remaining. I'm not stoned now and haven't been since I smoked a small bowl before work this morning (which has been my tradition now for at least two years, with no apparent ill effects).

- I have abandoned all my friends and refuse to speak to them or see them (obviously they didn't look too hard at my Facebook or they would have seen all the wall posts and messages where I'm catching up with the friends who've moved--which is most of them, for post-sec--and trying to make arrangements with the others). This abandonment would be to give myself mind, body and soul to Kellin, I'd assume.

But, at the same time...

- My family is ready and willing to give me anything I could possibly want, ready to allow me to do anything I want, and ready and willing to give me a ride anywhere with no problems.

And so, I'm at a loss.

I arrived home bemused, numb, and with renewed determination to avoid Mama's anger. When I first logged onto the computer, checked my email and saw that there are notes from Mama on my Facebook, I expected more screaming, more judgmental comments. A week's worth of bitching from her, my uncle, and everyone else she could convince to listen. After all, after our fight the first thing she did was call up Michelle (who didn't take a side).

I didn't expect a quiet note or two saying that Mama loved me. I didn't expect absolutely nothing from anyone else (excluding friends' replies), including nothing at all from Uncle Ty to Kellin. And now I'm more confused than ever.

Everyone seems to have given me up for a lost cause. Losing my intelligence, getting fucked up all the time, with no thought or plan for the future. Meanwhile, I feel like I'm alone in the middle of an enormous tug of war. I'm trying to fight the downward spiral of being broke and 'getting by' on one hand. I don't want to end up like Michelle and Kilo, but I don't want to end up like Mama either. I don't want to be rich... I just don't want to have to worry about money, and I want to be happy. It's easy to go to school your entire life and not think about it because it's something you have to do. That's what all my friends are doing. They can party and do whatever they want because their lives are just starting. They have the money and career issues, but they can always fall back on their parents. They don't have to really start thinking yet. I like learning and I like school and I'm trying to fight my own natural desire to not think about the future and just settle. I'm willing to help Kellin fight it too, as long as I know it's not for nothing and he doesn't intend to let his life stagnate, either.

Trying to be responsible without squeezing all the fun out of your life and alienating everyone is hard. It's even harder when the people who are supposed to be on your side are telling you that you're not doing it well enough and try to take control and do it for you. I'm trying to save money and make plans and keep believing that if I try hard enough and keep enough faith, I'll have the life I want. How the fuck do I explain that when I don't get the chance to speak? How the fuck do I make both sides understand that I'm trying, goddamnit?

More than the fact that I don't want to, I don't see why I should have to choose between Kellin and my family. I think that the problems that Mama and Brian seem to have with him are more problems with me that they're blaming on him. All the things I've been fighting about since I was 12 are now suddenly Kellin's fault. Instead of comforting me, he's subverting me. And as the animosity builds against him, his family's animosity builds towards mine because of what Kellin perceives as my family's mistreatment of me and what his family perceives as haughtiness. I feel like I'm stuck as the middleman in a giant game of telephone, purposely editing conversations both ways to try and keep the peace, always worrying about both sides being happy.

The ruiner from Nine Inch Nails' song is wandering around spreading discord. All these little things have become so big. Even though I know that part of what makes it worse and worse is the fact that nobody will talk it out and everyone hides everything until it all gets bigger and bigger and it explodes everywhere the way it's doing now. And I don't know how to fix it. I don't even want to go upstairs. I don't want to come home tomorrow. Brian seems to be a warmonger. Mama's notes make me think and wish that everything can be okay again, but Brian says the opposite and every time I speak to her about the littlest thing I can hear the condemnation in her voice.

I guess that's what it all boils down to. I can't stand to face that condemnation. It frustrates me, because I don't think I deserve it. It makes me sad, because I want Mama to believe me and believe in me. And it makes me uncontrollably mad, because while she's busy yelling and condemning, she refuses to listen to or give credence to anything I say. It's wrong before I even get it out. And then there's only tears, since she has a talent for making me cry. Like now, though we've probably said three words to each other since the fight.

And now I'm going to go to bed. I'll wake up tomorrow morning, worry about a ride, get to work one way or another... and then I don't know. I know I have to come home. But I don't want to. It doesn't feel like home when I'm always hiding.

It feels like Daddy's living in the house again, and he's not even in the country. At Kellin's house I can walk around freely and not watch every step and every word (which is why I was there a week), but I don't have my cat or my computer or my books. At home, I have the things but not the comfort. And nowhere do I have freedom, no matter what Brian and Mama scream at me. Freedom isn't being able to do anything without consequences... it's being able to use your own judgment and being allowed to deal with the repercussions on your own.

Did that make sense? The thought and feeling are there, but I can't express it properly. Story of my life, or at least my life recently.

Bedtime. I still feel lost, and still have no idea what's going to happen except probably more avoidance. But I don't know what else I can do, either. Right now, I just want to cuddle with my cat and forget the rest of the world. Tomorrow's gonna suck. Everyone's solutions might make it better for them, or make a point, but they sure as fuck make my life harder.

Lah.