Arg. Stay calm. Annoyance is no good reason to get upset. Just chill, keep your cool. The nicotine cravings certainly aren't helping, either. But boys are so STUPID! Okay. It's just annoyance. He's not stupid, just himself and a product of his sex and gender. But I'm tired of hopping around. Maybe just not used to being the less busy one. And certainly annoyed. So he starts early... so no chance of seeing him before. But then wait, he's not going to classes anyways because he's gotta sort out his schedule. So what's that mean? Should I offer to stop by earlier? I already said I'd stop by after class at 4 30. But then, right before he leaves he says he says Oh by the way, "I've got a social to run tomorrow afternoon. But free hot dogs!" What does that mean? Does that mean I can go? Wtf? And then I ask what time it's from and he says 5-7. So... I'll get to stop in for a half hour, less the time it takes me to get over there. Fine... But instead of rushing in and out, wouldn't it be better to stop in before class instead? But he's already gone, with a "Goodnight, love", the first since he got back.
I am Jack's overactive nervous system.
Whatever. I know that I'll be less confused and more able to read what the hell is going on once I actually see him. Likely it's just stress and I'm one more thing to worry about and so backburner. Okay, I can understand that. But I'm not busy and stressed right now, having taken the time to sort out my schedule and shit before classes start. Anyways. Point is, I'm chilled and so have nothing better to do with my mind than think about this shit and think about him. Leading to overthinking, and thus confusion and annoyance.
But I'm trying to still chill. Stay chill. After all, I've got some downtime before the storm, and I'm grateful. I wish for him to have what's best for him, and I wish him peace, too.
Woo. I feel much better now. Which might have something to do with the cigarette I caved and had.
I guess nobody said it would be easy. Relationships or giving up addictions. Or treading lightly, ironically enough.
In any case, bedtime for me. Tomorrow's another day... we'll see what happens.
Much love.
Lah.
Sunday, January 03, 2010
Welcome to the New Year.
A full moon, and a single bright star shining on the new year. I had a quiet one this year, with Shawn and Kim in Maple Ridge. It was a nice change, and a nice time. To cap off an excellent holiday season, with incredible amounts of laughter, partying, and general love and joy. Surprise? I think not. But made none the less pleasurable for its predictability.
And now, home again, alone again, and naked again. I still haven't unpacked, having elected to sit and watch Becoming Jane, a movie I got for Christmas, instead. The sentimental feelings of the holidays and the resulting etherealness of the time before it have left me conflicted. I want to share the joy and the news and, well, life with him, but the time we spent together before the holidays seems almost like a dream, and the relationship is new enough that the dreamlike qualities undermine my assurance in the security of the thing. So I'm left doubly wanting to reconnect and reaffirm it, but unsure that my anxiousness is reciprocation. And doubly complicated by the idea that even if it's not reciprocated, it may well simply be that his memory is far clearer than mine and so he simply does not doubt. And then the thoughts that perhaps he does doubt and is therefore playing it lightly as I am, and that perhaps I should take the first step in that case, horn in and I'm left feeling quite confused about it all, and with a headache on top of that from the million other possibilties that continue to branch off.
And every time the silly program dings (for another, I might add) I feel momentarily excited and then silly.
But despite all of this, for the most part I'm trying to just chill. Tread lightly, as it were, my New Year's resolution. Patience and all of that... it'll deroule in time. And despite doubts, I have the feeling that it will unfold to other than my worst fears. Worrying helps nothing, in any case. As my plans have only been in my head, it's understandable that others aren't following them. Certain other needs are not at the right time to be fulfilled either, so patience only ensures that the final event will be even more fantastic.
I want to just blow his mind, though. Call it vanity, Emotion, whatever, but I just want to punch him in the face with awesomeness. Or maybe a Sockem' Bopper. Heehee.
But this whole time being all one piece is partially awesome, partially driving me crazy. I think the time-space folding thing allows me to feel parts or whole emotions while removed from the situation simply by allowing me to phaze in and tune in because after all, it's happening all the time, that event. If that makes sense. But at the same time while an event is happening, I can grasp onto it and feel it whole but I know it's fleeting because at the same time I'm tuning into realities where it's not being felt. Which is why it's easy to chill and be patient but at the same time it's the hardest thing in the world.
And my stupid overanalytical brain. Constantly seeking patterns, to the point where I wonder whether it's creating them to fill the need. Choosing most words carefully and absorbing each one that comes in return and then feeding it through lenses and scopes and ideas and points of view.
But now, to bed. What will come will come, and I have plenty to do until it does!
Lah.
And now, home again, alone again, and naked again. I still haven't unpacked, having elected to sit and watch Becoming Jane, a movie I got for Christmas, instead. The sentimental feelings of the holidays and the resulting etherealness of the time before it have left me conflicted. I want to share the joy and the news and, well, life with him, but the time we spent together before the holidays seems almost like a dream, and the relationship is new enough that the dreamlike qualities undermine my assurance in the security of the thing. So I'm left doubly wanting to reconnect and reaffirm it, but unsure that my anxiousness is reciprocation. And doubly complicated by the idea that even if it's not reciprocated, it may well simply be that his memory is far clearer than mine and so he simply does not doubt. And then the thoughts that perhaps he does doubt and is therefore playing it lightly as I am, and that perhaps I should take the first step in that case, horn in and I'm left feeling quite confused about it all, and with a headache on top of that from the million other possibilties that continue to branch off.
And every time the silly program dings (for another, I might add) I feel momentarily excited and then silly.
But despite all of this, for the most part I'm trying to just chill. Tread lightly, as it were, my New Year's resolution. Patience and all of that... it'll deroule in time. And despite doubts, I have the feeling that it will unfold to other than my worst fears. Worrying helps nothing, in any case. As my plans have only been in my head, it's understandable that others aren't following them. Certain other needs are not at the right time to be fulfilled either, so patience only ensures that the final event will be even more fantastic.
I want to just blow his mind, though. Call it vanity, Emotion, whatever, but I just want to punch him in the face with awesomeness. Or maybe a Sockem' Bopper. Heehee.
But this whole time being all one piece is partially awesome, partially driving me crazy. I think the time-space folding thing allows me to feel parts or whole emotions while removed from the situation simply by allowing me to phaze in and tune in because after all, it's happening all the time, that event. If that makes sense. But at the same time while an event is happening, I can grasp onto it and feel it whole but I know it's fleeting because at the same time I'm tuning into realities where it's not being felt. Which is why it's easy to chill and be patient but at the same time it's the hardest thing in the world.
And my stupid overanalytical brain. Constantly seeking patterns, to the point where I wonder whether it's creating them to fill the need. Choosing most words carefully and absorbing each one that comes in return and then feeding it through lenses and scopes and ideas and points of view.
But now, to bed. What will come will come, and I have plenty to do until it does!
Lah.
Wednesday, December 09, 2009
A Break Before Bed.
Ah, exam season. Such a combination of lag and stress. But I've had many exam seasons over the years and I fancy myself slightly used to it. It helps that I have all these moments of detente with Daniel and that I have Mama and a support group. I'm part of the Village! The Village is what we have come to term the community that Elanor and her female friends and fellow moms have formed, of love and support. And to see the effect on the children of the group... Pretty darn cool, man. Pretty darn cool. I look at them and I see the future. Sounds a bit cliched, but it's completely true. They give me chills, but in a good way. And I marvel at how far I've come in life already, and yet how much further I have to go. Only thing to do is enjoy, enjoy, enjoy. Live it to the fullest and touch every bit of it! Of course, the stress sometimes gets to me. But I know that I'm not alone, and I have all these things to look forward to! Christmas is coming, and a time to rest. The end is nigh folks, and we're all gonna fry together. Or fight together, however you want to look at it!
And the boy, the boy... The boy has a large enough ego that certainly does not need anymore pandering to. Suffice to say, he dances. What's strange is, he's not so big on kisses. Little affectionate ones, yes... peppered kisses, yes... and there's nothing wrong with those! But the involved ones, the casual ones... all the literal lip-locking, not so much. Something to ponder on. Watching a relationship grow is the strangest thing. A very cool thing to watch, but strange all the same. Like a book but not like a book. Living a book, I suppose... But he's aware, too. Which makes me curious to know how he sees it. Maybe it's just the mesh starting, but I like meshing brains and getting into his head. Or getting his head into mine, I suppose. Because he's got a distinctness to him that means mine doesn't just overpower it.
As always, we shall see. But things are getting clearer and sometimes I can just watch the Universe unfold before me. It's unsettling in the best of ways. Everything always happens exactly as it should.
I guess I really am Indigo to the max, eh?
Lah.
And the boy, the boy... The boy has a large enough ego that certainly does not need anymore pandering to. Suffice to say, he dances. What's strange is, he's not so big on kisses. Little affectionate ones, yes... peppered kisses, yes... and there's nothing wrong with those! But the involved ones, the casual ones... all the literal lip-locking, not so much. Something to ponder on. Watching a relationship grow is the strangest thing. A very cool thing to watch, but strange all the same. Like a book but not like a book. Living a book, I suppose... But he's aware, too. Which makes me curious to know how he sees it. Maybe it's just the mesh starting, but I like meshing brains and getting into his head. Or getting his head into mine, I suppose. Because he's got a distinctness to him that means mine doesn't just overpower it.
As always, we shall see. But things are getting clearer and sometimes I can just watch the Universe unfold before me. It's unsettling in the best of ways. Everything always happens exactly as it should.
I guess I really am Indigo to the max, eh?
Lah.
Tuesday, December 08, 2009
Emotion.
If there's one thing that I understand, it's emotion. The immersiveness of them, the ups, downs, lows and pure feelings. Of course, sometimes I'm a little too close to them... Other peoples', especially. The mind is a powerful thing. It can convince people of anything, and once a person is convinced of something it's not difficult to manifest it into actual reality, especially when it is a personal reality.
This makes the topic of emotion a very slippery one. If you convince yourself that you have an emotion and thus cause yourself to feel it, is it still as valid as one that takes you by surprise? If you get so caught up in the thinking of things that you forget to stop thinking and experience, are your thoughts really worth it?
All things considered and all things that I've done, I've never REALLY bad tripped before. Little bad trips, I've suffered through alone. I think the overall lack of bad tripping is because I spend so much time worrying in my head when I'm sober that I do drugs to slow down the brain's overacting instead of speed it up. And bad tripping is an ultimate example of the brain's power and how it can affect your reality.
But let's get off of that for a moment, because I'm, as usual, limited for time. Let's go back to the validity of convincing oneself of an emotion. Like bad tripping, the emotion is no less valid for being contrived. Is thinking yourself into it really any different from those that fling themselves headlong into emotions? And what effect does being aware of it cause?
I've been feeling a downward spiral of my own into emotion for the past few weeks. It's a combination of thoughts and occasional spikes. And the fact that I know the downward spiral is being reciprocated means feeding into each other, as well. Part of me wants to say "No! Too fast! Back it up Sayata, you're just talking yourself into it!" But the truth is, I do understand emotion, and there is no problem with loving freely and openly. We turn it into such a big thing, almost to be feared. "No, I can't say that. No, I can't feel that. It must be wrong." But my honesty policy extends to myself, too. There's no reason why there has to be an only love that freezes out all others, and no reason why a love for a partner must exceed a love for a family member or close friend. And there's no reason why one aspect of love must make others, including previous ones, less valid.
But I do have to say... Why are you seeing fit to hit me in the face repeatedly with Love, Goddess? Not that I'm ungrateful. And I do try to put a lot out in the world, so maybe it's coming back to me, in which case thanks! But really... my poor heart feels like it's getting smacked around like a baseball and exploding with all these constant feelings. Thank God they're mostly good, but yesterday was painful! Very painful!
Lah.
This makes the topic of emotion a very slippery one. If you convince yourself that you have an emotion and thus cause yourself to feel it, is it still as valid as one that takes you by surprise? If you get so caught up in the thinking of things that you forget to stop thinking and experience, are your thoughts really worth it?
All things considered and all things that I've done, I've never REALLY bad tripped before. Little bad trips, I've suffered through alone. I think the overall lack of bad tripping is because I spend so much time worrying in my head when I'm sober that I do drugs to slow down the brain's overacting instead of speed it up. And bad tripping is an ultimate example of the brain's power and how it can affect your reality.
But let's get off of that for a moment, because I'm, as usual, limited for time. Let's go back to the validity of convincing oneself of an emotion. Like bad tripping, the emotion is no less valid for being contrived. Is thinking yourself into it really any different from those that fling themselves headlong into emotions? And what effect does being aware of it cause?
I've been feeling a downward spiral of my own into emotion for the past few weeks. It's a combination of thoughts and occasional spikes. And the fact that I know the downward spiral is being reciprocated means feeding into each other, as well. Part of me wants to say "No! Too fast! Back it up Sayata, you're just talking yourself into it!" But the truth is, I do understand emotion, and there is no problem with loving freely and openly. We turn it into such a big thing, almost to be feared. "No, I can't say that. No, I can't feel that. It must be wrong." But my honesty policy extends to myself, too. There's no reason why there has to be an only love that freezes out all others, and no reason why a love for a partner must exceed a love for a family member or close friend. And there's no reason why one aspect of love must make others, including previous ones, less valid.
But I do have to say... Why are you seeing fit to hit me in the face repeatedly with Love, Goddess? Not that I'm ungrateful. And I do try to put a lot out in the world, so maybe it's coming back to me, in which case thanks! But really... my poor heart feels like it's getting smacked around like a baseball and exploding with all these constant feelings. Thank God they're mostly good, but yesterday was painful! Very painful!
Lah.
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Let's Talk Turkey.
Life?
A reaction to emptiness.
Time?
Continues for the Boogeyman.
Just give me one
Chance
To feature you in Sunshine.
And we could both
Dance
The aphid swarm away.
Hello, hello,
Losing motivation.
Losing concentration.
Losing ground.
Solo, solo,
Don't like moderation.
Starved for conversation.
Are you down?
Love?
A reaction to some soft skin.
What about...
Trust?
I've seen it here and there.
And give me some girls!
Be careful what you wish for.
So take me out!
Woo, honey let's go dancing!
Hello, hello,
Losing concentration.
Losing motivation.
Losing ground.
Solo, solo,
Don't like moderation.
Starved for conversation.
Are you down?
Don't stop wasting people's time...
Ima Robot, "Let's Talk Turkey."
Lah.
A reaction to emptiness.
Time?
Continues for the Boogeyman.
Just give me one
Chance
To feature you in Sunshine.
And we could both
Dance
The aphid swarm away.
Hello, hello,
Losing motivation.
Losing concentration.
Losing ground.
Solo, solo,
Don't like moderation.
Starved for conversation.
Are you down?
Love?
A reaction to some soft skin.
What about...
Trust?
I've seen it here and there.
And give me some girls!
Be careful what you wish for.
So take me out!
Woo, honey let's go dancing!
Hello, hello,
Losing concentration.
Losing motivation.
Losing ground.
Solo, solo,
Don't like moderation.
Starved for conversation.
Are you down?
Don't stop wasting people's time...
Ima Robot, "Let's Talk Turkey."
Lah.
Love? A Reaction to Some Soft Skin.
Just a note, because I'm supposed to be writing an essay right now and so can't put in the time I'd like to on this entry.
But I guess I should be slapped, as previously requested. Heh. It seems like I and the other have graduated from simply casual friends with benefits to something slightly more serious but without name. Just basically going with the flow, for now. The feelings are there though, and based on entirely different things than the other other. And funnily enough the butterflies are different from the addictive ones. These feelings are almost as bad because they don't fade so quick. But that's a topic for another day. Suffice to say it with a smile! =)
Lah.
But I guess I should be slapped, as previously requested. Heh. It seems like I and the other have graduated from simply casual friends with benefits to something slightly more serious but without name. Just basically going with the flow, for now. The feelings are there though, and based on entirely different things than the other other. And funnily enough the butterflies are different from the addictive ones. These feelings are almost as bad because they don't fade so quick. But that's a topic for another day. Suffice to say it with a smile! =)
Lah.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
In Retrospect.
"Good Day" by the Dresden Dolls.
So you don't want to hear about my good song?
And you don't want to hear about how I am getting on.
With all the things that I can get done
The sun is in the sky & I am by my lonesome...
So you don't want to hear about my good day?
You have better things to do than to hear me say:
God, it's been a lovely day! Everything's been going my way.
I took out the trash today and I'm on fire...
So you don't want to hear about my good friends?
You don't have the guts to take the truth or consequence
Success is in the eye of the beholder
And its looking even better over your cold shoulder!
I'm not suggesting you get to line me up for questioning
But Jesus think about the bridges you are burning
And I'm betting
That even though you knew it from the start
You'd rather be a bitch than be an ordinary broken heart.
So go ahead and talk about your bad day...
I want all the details of the pain and misery
That you are inflicting on the others
I consider them my sisters and I want their numbers!
God it's been a lovely day! Everything's been going my way.
I took up croquet today and I'm on fire!
I picked up the pieces of my broken ego...
I have finally made my peace as far as you and me go.
But I'd love to have you up to see the place.
I'd like to do more than survive, I'd like to rub it in your face!
Hey! It's been a lovely day! Everything's been going my way.
I had so much fun today and I'm on fire!
God, it's been a lovely day! Everything's been going my way.
Ever since you went away, hey! I'm on fire...
So you don't want to hear about my good day?
Lah.
So you don't want to hear about my good song?
And you don't want to hear about how I am getting on.
With all the things that I can get done
The sun is in the sky & I am by my lonesome...
So you don't want to hear about my good day?
You have better things to do than to hear me say:
God, it's been a lovely day! Everything's been going my way.
I took out the trash today and I'm on fire...
So you don't want to hear about my good friends?
You don't have the guts to take the truth or consequence
Success is in the eye of the beholder
And its looking even better over your cold shoulder!
I'm not suggesting you get to line me up for questioning
But Jesus think about the bridges you are burning
And I'm betting
That even though you knew it from the start
You'd rather be a bitch than be an ordinary broken heart.
So go ahead and talk about your bad day...
I want all the details of the pain and misery
That you are inflicting on the others
I consider them my sisters and I want their numbers!
God it's been a lovely day! Everything's been going my way.
I took up croquet today and I'm on fire!
I picked up the pieces of my broken ego...
I have finally made my peace as far as you and me go.
But I'd love to have you up to see the place.
I'd like to do more than survive, I'd like to rub it in your face!
Hey! It's been a lovely day! Everything's been going my way.
I had so much fun today and I'm on fire!
God, it's been a lovely day! Everything's been going my way.
Ever since you went away, hey! I'm on fire...
So you don't want to hear about my good day?
Lah.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Doors Opening and Closing.
A quick timeline of my life since this blog was started:
February 2004: Decided to move to Van.
October 2004: Opened the Mists to the world.
November 2004: Finished Broken Wings!
October 2006: Started dating Kellin.
January 2007: Graduated high school.
June 2007 (ish): Kellin decided to move to Van.
Late 2007-June 2008: Cracked out period.
July 2008: Went to UK, cleaned up the act.
September 2008: Kellin and I moved to Van, I started Uni.
October 2008: Started working at Characters and met Elanor.
April 2009: Kellin started to fuck up big-time.
July 2009: Inga and Jeff decided to move to Van.
September 2009: Things fell apart entirely.
And now, back in October yet again... Five years later, three years after I met Kellin and a year after finally moving to Van... And it's over. We're done. Kaput, terminated. Not the move, but Kellin and I.
I just wanted to put things in perspective, considering how hard it is to perceive time in the mists. It's been over a little while, already... Long enough that I'm getting over it. The thoughts of all the shit he's done no longer make me want to cry, and the realizations of just how bad it got are starting to surface. Relationship without trust? I tried to build it, but they were right. All the books were right. Pft... Impossible.
And today is the one-week mark until he's gone for good, back to Calgary. Is that the right place for him to go? Will he be happy there, or will he fall back into the stagnant pool? Will all the things we did and learned fade into the past and become nothing but distant memories?
I don't know. And I don't care. Well, of course I care... But I'm not letting myself get involved in it any more. I've let him go and so I need to let go.
And now, no relationship for me for a while. Just lots of sex. Not with him, of course! But I'm going to build my support base of friends and allies up again before anything serious. It's time that I experienced living on my own for a while, and being responsible for nobody but myself. A new phaze in life and all of that. I intend to have some fun! Well, I'm already having fun. Halloween has been a mandatory party for a few years now, and I'm not letting that stop now.
And somehow, I've become popular! Not the silly high school definition of that crap... In fact, popular is the wrong word altogether. How about, 'desired'? This means people actually seem to like me (insert giggle here). And boys! I'm not sure what I want to do about them. I feel like I'm building them as allies, too. Lately it's been a certain boy. Who knows where we stand? Who cares? The sex is excellent (and I do mean excellent) and he's intelligent, strange, and funny. I had forgotten (or perhaps never known) what it was like to spend time with someone who can follow me when I delve into concepts (and not just pretend and nod vacantly) and even put forth such concepts of his own. My mind, thanks to these people and school, is once again agile and free to dance. I was so busy trying to prove that love could conquer all that I forgot to exercise the parts of my brain that need it.
And now, I'm still thinking Love conquers all. But I don't have the craving to be loved... After all, I am loved already! And there can be cuddles and sex and joy and laughter without the exclusion. I still know that I could love just about anybody. I think knowing that helps. I have to choose where to distribute that love, and not just pick and fixate. That doesn't mean I can't focus my considerable attention in other ways, though.
There are the tickles, too. Butterflies, whatever you want to call them. Maybe I'm addicted to them, but I don't think so. I do think they're fun, though... I'm going to enjoy them while they last. Watch the progression while it comes. I wouldn't mind trying out another boy or two, although by no means is this one disposable (or no more so than any of them). I have to make a decision on whether to follow up on another one who is a potential ally, potential lover. Who knew there were so many awesome people out there? Awesome people who are 'interested', shall we say? But I would like to be pursued for a little while. Which is why I'm debating following up (or not) on one Monsieur.
Just let this be a record! Honesty, faith, fun. If my next post has me dithering over how I've fallen in love at the exclusion of all others, then please slap me. I intend to love freely and openly, but also truly and not just because someone is paying attention to me. It's time to teach myself just how desirable I actually am. I've worked on Honesty and Self and now I'd like to let go of my addictions.
Lah.
February 2004: Decided to move to Van.
October 2004: Opened the Mists to the world.
November 2004: Finished Broken Wings!
October 2006: Started dating Kellin.
January 2007: Graduated high school.
June 2007 (ish): Kellin decided to move to Van.
Late 2007-June 2008: Cracked out period.
July 2008: Went to UK, cleaned up the act.
September 2008: Kellin and I moved to Van, I started Uni.
October 2008: Started working at Characters and met Elanor.
April 2009: Kellin started to fuck up big-time.
July 2009: Inga and Jeff decided to move to Van.
September 2009: Things fell apart entirely.
And now, back in October yet again... Five years later, three years after I met Kellin and a year after finally moving to Van... And it's over. We're done. Kaput, terminated. Not the move, but Kellin and I.
I just wanted to put things in perspective, considering how hard it is to perceive time in the mists. It's been over a little while, already... Long enough that I'm getting over it. The thoughts of all the shit he's done no longer make me want to cry, and the realizations of just how bad it got are starting to surface. Relationship without trust? I tried to build it, but they were right. All the books were right. Pft... Impossible.
And today is the one-week mark until he's gone for good, back to Calgary. Is that the right place for him to go? Will he be happy there, or will he fall back into the stagnant pool? Will all the things we did and learned fade into the past and become nothing but distant memories?
I don't know. And I don't care. Well, of course I care... But I'm not letting myself get involved in it any more. I've let him go and so I need to let go.
And now, no relationship for me for a while. Just lots of sex. Not with him, of course! But I'm going to build my support base of friends and allies up again before anything serious. It's time that I experienced living on my own for a while, and being responsible for nobody but myself. A new phaze in life and all of that. I intend to have some fun! Well, I'm already having fun. Halloween has been a mandatory party for a few years now, and I'm not letting that stop now.
And somehow, I've become popular! Not the silly high school definition of that crap... In fact, popular is the wrong word altogether. How about, 'desired'? This means people actually seem to like me (insert giggle here). And boys! I'm not sure what I want to do about them. I feel like I'm building them as allies, too. Lately it's been a certain boy. Who knows where we stand? Who cares? The sex is excellent (and I do mean excellent) and he's intelligent, strange, and funny. I had forgotten (or perhaps never known) what it was like to spend time with someone who can follow me when I delve into concepts (and not just pretend and nod vacantly) and even put forth such concepts of his own. My mind, thanks to these people and school, is once again agile and free to dance. I was so busy trying to prove that love could conquer all that I forgot to exercise the parts of my brain that need it.
And now, I'm still thinking Love conquers all. But I don't have the craving to be loved... After all, I am loved already! And there can be cuddles and sex and joy and laughter without the exclusion. I still know that I could love just about anybody. I think knowing that helps. I have to choose where to distribute that love, and not just pick and fixate. That doesn't mean I can't focus my considerable attention in other ways, though.
There are the tickles, too. Butterflies, whatever you want to call them. Maybe I'm addicted to them, but I don't think so. I do think they're fun, though... I'm going to enjoy them while they last. Watch the progression while it comes. I wouldn't mind trying out another boy or two, although by no means is this one disposable (or no more so than any of them). I have to make a decision on whether to follow up on another one who is a potential ally, potential lover. Who knew there were so many awesome people out there? Awesome people who are 'interested', shall we say? But I would like to be pursued for a little while. Which is why I'm debating following up (or not) on one Monsieur.
Just let this be a record! Honesty, faith, fun. If my next post has me dithering over how I've fallen in love at the exclusion of all others, then please slap me. I intend to love freely and openly, but also truly and not just because someone is paying attention to me. It's time to teach myself just how desirable I actually am. I've worked on Honesty and Self and now I'd like to let go of my addictions.
Lah.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Bask in the glow.
So here I am, my guests here at last. The boys, except for Jeff, are all out getting Christian's poor skin some relief at Safeway. So here I sit on the couch while Inga and Jeff are being all snuggly, just chilling and thinking.
First of all, I'm pretty tired. We spent something like four hours at the beach, and a lovely time indeed that it was! And I have so many feelings running through me, I can't avoid thinking on them and dwelling. Nothing negative, but a lot interesting. Very mixed feelings, in fact.
At this point, what I would love most to do is just dogpile all on top of each other and have as many of them touching me as possible, particularly (of course) Christian and Kai. I just love having them around. Of course, there is the mixedness, but the pleasure of their company is indubitable. I don't even necessarily want to do anything with them, just bask in the company. I wish I could have time to just lie with each and every one of them, even Jeff.
I just really hope Inga and Jeff end up coming here for good. I miss having family nearby. Family I can party with... Family that knows me very well. Family that I know very well.
But I am tired. Happy, but very tired. Actually dealing with them seems to be taxing my abilities. Hence wanting to just bask.
Lah.
First of all, I'm pretty tired. We spent something like four hours at the beach, and a lovely time indeed that it was! And I have so many feelings running through me, I can't avoid thinking on them and dwelling. Nothing negative, but a lot interesting. Very mixed feelings, in fact.
At this point, what I would love most to do is just dogpile all on top of each other and have as many of them touching me as possible, particularly (of course) Christian and Kai. I just love having them around. Of course, there is the mixedness, but the pleasure of their company is indubitable. I don't even necessarily want to do anything with them, just bask in the company. I wish I could have time to just lie with each and every one of them, even Jeff.
I just really hope Inga and Jeff end up coming here for good. I miss having family nearby. Family I can party with... Family that knows me very well. Family that I know very well.
But I am tired. Happy, but very tired. Actually dealing with them seems to be taxing my abilities. Hence wanting to just bask.
Lah.
Friday, July 10, 2009
Slacking Off.
Oh. My. God.
It has been ages since I've been to a show; I realize that. It's also rare that I go to a band that I love as much as I love the Slackers. But tonight... Well, let's just say it's also been a long time since I've had inspiration for a blog entry at two in the morning. But the Slackers did it tonight.
Ah, I'm glad to live in Vancouver.
But tonight was... special. Despite the fact that I arrived at quarter to nine at the nightclub, only to find out that the Slackers weren't actually coming on until 11:30... three intro bands, anyone? And of course, you know with three openers, the first one is gonna be absolutely crap.
Sure enough, it was a woman alone onstage with a guitar. Promising, you say? Except that it was out of the groove for the crowd, and she seemed far more concerned with expressing her own genius than with actually putting the true feeling into the music. It didn't help that--from what I could tell--she was singing about potatoes in one song and bestiality in another song. Her closing song, in fact. Now, is that really how you want people to remember you? Making love to a monkey?
Band number two was ska and excellent, but I was conserving my energy for the big one. After all, I worked 8 hours today... I was just hoping to stay awake until they got onstage, and at least dance a little. I dodged the awkwardness of being there alone by writing in my journal, which is a pastime that I also don't get to enjoy as often as I once did.
Guy number three was another dude on stage alone with his guitar, but he had soul. Still, it was a little too slow for the venue and my frame of mind.
And then... I made my way to a good place in the crowd, in the dance pit but not too close, in time to see the bass player in a white suit, complete with hat, fixing stuff up onstage. The rest of the band took long enough to come out that people were getting antsy, but then on they came and they wasted no time getting the groove on.
Let me tell you, there is no feeling like the horns vibrating at the base of your spine, your consciousness. The trumpet and the saxophone blew straight through me. That's the feeling that makes it so that you have no choice but to groove and dance.
Of course, everyone reacted in their own way. There are classic groups of reaction here: the die-hards at the very front, leaning against the barrier with their ears exploding, in front of the moshers ever. You might be surprised that there were moshers at a chill band like the Slackers, but there's always moshers. And especially like at a chill show like this, it was only a loose pit, with the violent ones that want any excuse to work out that anger. I've spent enough time theorising on the mentality of a mosh pit that I don't need to get into it now, but I definitely was not in a moshing groove. Hell, 'moshing groove' is an oxymoron... It's not a groove, it's a need. But not for me, not this time, and possibly not anymore, and especially not without steel toed boots. I was on the very edge of the pit, enough that I wasn't getting dragged in and tossed around, but close enough that once someone stepped full on my (sandalled) big toe with about twice my weight. Ow.
My annoyance spiked at this point. I looked around to see how other people were reacting to the band (after all, I came to love them on my own and had no idea how they were received by others), and to my surprise and delight there was a guy nearby, apparently alone, who was not only grooving on the exact same vibe I was, but was also singing every single word along with them--audibly--and WELL. Solidly built, attractive, with small plugs in his ears and a funky hat on.
-faints- Could this be love?
No, Kellin isn't out of the picture... but he wasn't there tonight due to lack of interest and brokeness... and let's face it... he can't dance... won't dance, most of the time... Just because he doesn't get into that same mental place that I do.
Soooo... I shamelessly seduced the guy.
Well, not quite like that. But I made sure to keep him near me out of the corner of my eye, so I could keep us grooving together. It was an interesting use of my power... Fun! I figured he was probably gay, and didn't have the guts to catch him eye to eye and comment on the overall amazingness of it all, or congratulate him on his own awesomeness. The guys he appeared to be with kind of bobbed slightly and occasionally and rythymlessly, drifting freely away from him and only showing their (apparent) connection by leaning over every once in a while and going 'amazing' or something similar in a total white-loser kind of way. Not that they necessarily were--after all, they were there and enjoying it, so booyah!--but I had eyes only for the rare specimen of Boy With Rhythym. Especially when I read his emotions and he seemed really nice... not that I'll ever know for sure, I guess.
But anyways.
After another near-miss with the semi-active pit (it would collapse for a while as everyone forgot about hurting each other and just danced), I managed to manoeuvre myself in front of him. Now I could keep him in my sights, with the added bonus of his large male form being between me and pain.
And then I just danced... and that was enough. Over the next two hours, we just continued to vibe together without even a word or look exchanged. I knew he had noticed me just as I had noticed him. Our bodies would brush: natural in such close quarters. I just ensured they brushed more... A shoulder, a hip... innocuous stuff.After all, dancing should involve touching wherever possible, right? And I was feeling lonely, but not confident enough to make myself obvious. By the end though, we'd worked up to me standing directly in front of him, and we were dancing with each other without actually dancing WITH each other. Well, maybe he was planning a bit. I just trusted the vibe. And we danced. And was that something I felt brushing my butt? Could it be true? He wasn't gay as I'd feared, if so.
By the encores, he was occasionally brushing my hip with his hand and I wasn't sure whether it was on purpose or by accident. It felt like he was nervous but interested. But hell. He'd have to be dead not to be interested, with all the subtle brushing, hinting, and power-focusing I was sending his way. When his hands finally found themselves on my hips during a slower song, I informed him that it was okay for them to be there by putting mine over his.
And it was nice, dancing. He wasn't gross or sending off creepy vibes. Every time they started up another song, I thanked God it wasn't over... partially because they were SO PHENOMENAL. But also because the moment was just so perfect. And I kept thinking about what we'd do when the lights came up, what I'd say. I wanted him to know that I don't do this all the time, that I picked HIM, not because I was horny or drunk but because he was different. I don't know. It was a weird feeling. Is. When the Slackers finally left for good, I still didn't know what to do, although I wasn't really nervous. I made a split second decision after the music had been over for a minute and he hadn't made a move and caught his eye--just barely for a moment--and then walked out and straight to the bus stop without looking back.
*sigh* Now I'm regretting that. I have no idea whether he got the whole thing the way I did. I wish I'd at least got his name, something, if only to know someone else with my taste in music, to have another friend. It was so weird, the way I just walked out... chickened out, I guess, but there was no fear in my mind; it was almost automatic. I guess I wished for a boy that could dance that night and I got him, but it was Cinderella-style: sorry-only-til-the-music's-over-honey. The attachment I formed, the like, the desire to know whether all the emotions and personality guesses that I formed were right... Kinda crazy considering, like I said, we never really said anything to each other. But there was an awareness--
And now I'll never know. Sigh. I guess maybe our paths might cross again... Who knows? But I might not recognize him, my visual memory being the crap that it is, and I suspect if I made no signs of recognition he wouldn't either, despite the fact that I know I'm memorable.
On another note, although I can't devote the time and care to another long entry about the Slackers themselves (it'll come eventually, but maybe not for another year when they come back, haha), I've noticed that there's two types of Skafreak, band members and fans alike. There's the kind of broody-looking one that often has facial hair, often dark. And then there's the barefaced happy guy who has the kind of cheeks that either come from or just are perfect for blowing an insane amount of air through a trumpet or other horn instrument.
That crooning Bronx accent that I like so much is the brooder-looking guy, Vic. And he's cute! I always thought it was an unwritten rule that good Ska bands need to be full of old guys with young voices, but apparently he's the exception!
Thought I'd mention those things. Oh, and I should also mention that I probably partially enjoyed this show so much because I wasn't STINKING WASTED. Note to self.
Lah.
It has been ages since I've been to a show; I realize that. It's also rare that I go to a band that I love as much as I love the Slackers. But tonight... Well, let's just say it's also been a long time since I've had inspiration for a blog entry at two in the morning. But the Slackers did it tonight.
Ah, I'm glad to live in Vancouver.
But tonight was... special. Despite the fact that I arrived at quarter to nine at the nightclub, only to find out that the Slackers weren't actually coming on until 11:30... three intro bands, anyone? And of course, you know with three openers, the first one is gonna be absolutely crap.
Sure enough, it was a woman alone onstage with a guitar. Promising, you say? Except that it was out of the groove for the crowd, and she seemed far more concerned with expressing her own genius than with actually putting the true feeling into the music. It didn't help that--from what I could tell--she was singing about potatoes in one song and bestiality in another song. Her closing song, in fact. Now, is that really how you want people to remember you? Making love to a monkey?
Band number two was ska and excellent, but I was conserving my energy for the big one. After all, I worked 8 hours today... I was just hoping to stay awake until they got onstage, and at least dance a little. I dodged the awkwardness of being there alone by writing in my journal, which is a pastime that I also don't get to enjoy as often as I once did.
Guy number three was another dude on stage alone with his guitar, but he had soul. Still, it was a little too slow for the venue and my frame of mind.
And then... I made my way to a good place in the crowd, in the dance pit but not too close, in time to see the bass player in a white suit, complete with hat, fixing stuff up onstage. The rest of the band took long enough to come out that people were getting antsy, but then on they came and they wasted no time getting the groove on.
Let me tell you, there is no feeling like the horns vibrating at the base of your spine, your consciousness. The trumpet and the saxophone blew straight through me. That's the feeling that makes it so that you have no choice but to groove and dance.
Of course, everyone reacted in their own way. There are classic groups of reaction here: the die-hards at the very front, leaning against the barrier with their ears exploding, in front of the moshers ever. You might be surprised that there were moshers at a chill band like the Slackers, but there's always moshers. And especially like at a chill show like this, it was only a loose pit, with the violent ones that want any excuse to work out that anger. I've spent enough time theorising on the mentality of a mosh pit that I don't need to get into it now, but I definitely was not in a moshing groove. Hell, 'moshing groove' is an oxymoron... It's not a groove, it's a need. But not for me, not this time, and possibly not anymore, and especially not without steel toed boots. I was on the very edge of the pit, enough that I wasn't getting dragged in and tossed around, but close enough that once someone stepped full on my (sandalled) big toe with about twice my weight. Ow.
My annoyance spiked at this point. I looked around to see how other people were reacting to the band (after all, I came to love them on my own and had no idea how they were received by others), and to my surprise and delight there was a guy nearby, apparently alone, who was not only grooving on the exact same vibe I was, but was also singing every single word along with them--audibly--and WELL. Solidly built, attractive, with small plugs in his ears and a funky hat on.
-faints- Could this be love?
No, Kellin isn't out of the picture... but he wasn't there tonight due to lack of interest and brokeness... and let's face it... he can't dance... won't dance, most of the time... Just because he doesn't get into that same mental place that I do.
Soooo... I shamelessly seduced the guy.
Well, not quite like that. But I made sure to keep him near me out of the corner of my eye, so I could keep us grooving together. It was an interesting use of my power... Fun! I figured he was probably gay, and didn't have the guts to catch him eye to eye and comment on the overall amazingness of it all, or congratulate him on his own awesomeness. The guys he appeared to be with kind of bobbed slightly and occasionally and rythymlessly, drifting freely away from him and only showing their (apparent) connection by leaning over every once in a while and going 'amazing' or something similar in a total white-loser kind of way. Not that they necessarily were--after all, they were there and enjoying it, so booyah!--but I had eyes only for the rare specimen of Boy With Rhythym. Especially when I read his emotions and he seemed really nice... not that I'll ever know for sure, I guess.
But anyways.
After another near-miss with the semi-active pit (it would collapse for a while as everyone forgot about hurting each other and just danced), I managed to manoeuvre myself in front of him. Now I could keep him in my sights, with the added bonus of his large male form being between me and pain.
And then I just danced... and that was enough. Over the next two hours, we just continued to vibe together without even a word or look exchanged. I knew he had noticed me just as I had noticed him. Our bodies would brush: natural in such close quarters. I just ensured they brushed more... A shoulder, a hip... innocuous stuff.After all, dancing should involve touching wherever possible, right? And I was feeling lonely, but not confident enough to make myself obvious. By the end though, we'd worked up to me standing directly in front of him, and we were dancing with each other without actually dancing WITH each other. Well, maybe he was planning a bit. I just trusted the vibe. And we danced. And was that something I felt brushing my butt? Could it be true? He wasn't gay as I'd feared, if so.
By the encores, he was occasionally brushing my hip with his hand and I wasn't sure whether it was on purpose or by accident. It felt like he was nervous but interested. But hell. He'd have to be dead not to be interested, with all the subtle brushing, hinting, and power-focusing I was sending his way. When his hands finally found themselves on my hips during a slower song, I informed him that it was okay for them to be there by putting mine over his.
And it was nice, dancing. He wasn't gross or sending off creepy vibes. Every time they started up another song, I thanked God it wasn't over... partially because they were SO PHENOMENAL. But also because the moment was just so perfect. And I kept thinking about what we'd do when the lights came up, what I'd say. I wanted him to know that I don't do this all the time, that I picked HIM, not because I was horny or drunk but because he was different. I don't know. It was a weird feeling. Is. When the Slackers finally left for good, I still didn't know what to do, although I wasn't really nervous. I made a split second decision after the music had been over for a minute and he hadn't made a move and caught his eye--just barely for a moment--and then walked out and straight to the bus stop without looking back.
*sigh* Now I'm regretting that. I have no idea whether he got the whole thing the way I did. I wish I'd at least got his name, something, if only to know someone else with my taste in music, to have another friend. It was so weird, the way I just walked out... chickened out, I guess, but there was no fear in my mind; it was almost automatic. I guess I wished for a boy that could dance that night and I got him, but it was Cinderella-style: sorry-only-til-the-music's-over-honey. The attachment I formed, the like, the desire to know whether all the emotions and personality guesses that I formed were right... Kinda crazy considering, like I said, we never really said anything to each other. But there was an awareness--
And now I'll never know. Sigh. I guess maybe our paths might cross again... Who knows? But I might not recognize him, my visual memory being the crap that it is, and I suspect if I made no signs of recognition he wouldn't either, despite the fact that I know I'm memorable.
On another note, although I can't devote the time and care to another long entry about the Slackers themselves (it'll come eventually, but maybe not for another year when they come back, haha), I've noticed that there's two types of Skafreak, band members and fans alike. There's the kind of broody-looking one that often has facial hair, often dark. And then there's the barefaced happy guy who has the kind of cheeks that either come from or just are perfect for blowing an insane amount of air through a trumpet or other horn instrument.
That crooning Bronx accent that I like so much is the brooder-looking guy, Vic. And he's cute! I always thought it was an unwritten rule that good Ska bands need to be full of old guys with young voices, but apparently he's the exception!
Thought I'd mention those things. Oh, and I should also mention that I probably partially enjoyed this show so much because I wasn't STINKING WASTED. Note to self.
Lah.
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