Doors Opening and Closing.

A quick timeline of my life since this blog was started:

February 2004: Decided to move to Van.
October 2004: Opened the Mists to the world.
November 2004: Finished Broken Wings!
October 2006: Started dating Kellin.
January 2007: Graduated high school.
June 2007 (ish): Kellin decided to move to Van.
Late 2007-June 2008: Cracked out period.
July 2008: Went to UK, cleaned up the act.
September 2008: Kellin and I moved to Van, I started Uni.
October 2008: Started working at Characters and met Elanor.
April 2009: Kellin started to fuck up big-time.
July 2009: Inga and Jeff decided to move to Van.
September 2009: Things fell apart entirely.

And now, back in October yet again... Five years later, three years after I met Kellin and a year after finally moving to Van... And it's over. We're done. Kaput, terminated. Not the move, but Kellin and I.

I just wanted to put things in perspective, considering how hard it is to perceive time in the mists. It's been over a little while, already... Long enough that I'm getting over it. The thoughts of all the shit he's done no longer make me want to cry, and the realizations of just how bad it got are starting to surface. Relationship without trust? I tried to build it, but they were right. All the books were right. Pft... Impossible.

And today is the one-week mark until he's gone for good, back to Calgary. Is that the right place for him to go? Will he be happy there, or will he fall back into the stagnant pool? Will all the things we did and learned fade into the past and become nothing but distant memories?

I don't know. And I don't care. Well, of course I care... But I'm not letting myself get involved in it any more. I've let him go and so I need to let go.

And now, no relationship for me for a while. Just lots of sex. Not with him, of course! But I'm going to build my support base of friends and allies up again before anything serious. It's time that I experienced living on my own for a while, and being responsible for nobody but myself. A new phaze in life and all of that. I intend to have some fun! Well, I'm already having fun. Halloween has been a mandatory party for a few years now, and I'm not letting that stop now.

And somehow, I've become popular! Not the silly high school definition of that crap... In fact, popular is the wrong word altogether. How about, 'desired'? This means people actually seem to like me (insert giggle here). And boys! I'm not sure what I want to do about them. I feel like I'm building them as allies, too. Lately it's been a certain boy. Who knows where we stand? Who cares? The sex is excellent (and I do mean excellent) and he's intelligent, strange, and funny. I had forgotten (or perhaps never known) what it was like to spend time with someone who can follow me when I delve into concepts (and not just pretend and nod vacantly) and even put forth such concepts of his own. My mind, thanks to these people and school, is once again agile and free to dance. I was so busy trying to prove that love could conquer all that I forgot to exercise the parts of my brain that need it.

And now, I'm still thinking Love conquers all. But I don't have the craving to be loved... After all, I am loved already! And there can be cuddles and sex and joy and laughter without the exclusion. I still know that I could love just about anybody. I think knowing that helps. I have to choose where to distribute that love, and not just pick and fixate. That doesn't mean I can't focus my considerable attention in other ways, though.

There are the tickles, too. Butterflies, whatever you want to call them. Maybe I'm addicted to them, but I don't think so. I do think they're fun, though... I'm going to enjoy them while they last. Watch the progression while it comes. I wouldn't mind trying out another boy or two, although by no means is this one disposable (or no more so than any of them). I have to make a decision on whether to follow up on another one who is a potential ally, potential lover. Who knew there were so many awesome people out there? Awesome people who are 'interested', shall we say? But I would like to be pursued for a little while. Which is why I'm debating following up (or not) on one Monsieur.

Just let this be a record! Honesty, faith, fun. If my next post has me dithering over how I've fallen in love at the exclusion of all others, then please slap me. I intend to love freely and openly, but also truly and not just because someone is paying attention to me. It's time to teach myself just how desirable I actually am. I've worked on Honesty and Self and now I'd like to let go of my addictions.

Lah.