Stupidity.

MistWeaver: Stupidity. That's what my life is. That's what I am. Here's what happened since before. In a nutshell, we ended up being scheduled to go out on Wednesday. He canceled on Monday, since he supposedly had too much work to do. I asked if he was still coming to my party on Saturday, and he said yes, and that he wouldn't miss it for the world. Today is Saturday, and after all the freaking out about work, and the anticipation and the cleaning and the worrying and everything, he's not here. Apparently, he's had a bad week and wants to be alone. That's a reasonable excuse. That's fair. It would have been nicer if he'd called or something, rather than leaving it to us to call him four times before he's even home, and then find out that way. The whole thing is pointless. Stupid even. I can understand wanting to be alone. I've had a less than ideal week myself. I like Tasha, and I like Blair. But it's like the entire week was for nothing. I planned this party after asking and re-asking if he could come. I planned it to see him. I used this day as something to look forward to for weeks. I worried and stressed and freaked out over what I would do about work for the past week, finally planning extensively and calling in sick. Why? Because I'm stupid. Because I'm incredibly, horribly, fucking stupid. I should just shoot myself now and save the world a favour. What's up with letting my feelings be so hurt over a guy? Why do I care so much? I know it's partly because of the way what's-his-face did a number on me, and just ignored me until I got the message. But I can understand not wanting to call for bad news. It's always so tempting to just not show up to work and let the phone ring when they call without answering. Don't want to be scummed out, don't want to disappoint. Especially since he KNEW I planned the party with him in mind. When we called to find out where he was, everyone was around. I was so expecting him to have an excuse. But then he wouldn't even repeat what he told Kai on speakerphone. And everyone expected me to be mad and order him to come and stuff but I couldn't speak because I was trying not to cry. Sure, everything happens for a reason but just ONCE I wanted it to work out and I felt even worse because even then I liked hearing his voice on the phone when I should really just get the hint and leave him alone. I mean, why the hell would he ever want to get with a chick that's three grades older than him? And his friend's sister? And then there's the fact that my father is doing the DD, who just happens to be his mother. And still through it all I just want to curl up in a corner and cry and cry and cry, even though I hate crying and to cry over a guy is stupid, especially

Oh God what's the point? I'm stupid. And I'm stupid to cry and stupid to care. He just signed in, and I don't know what to do. I don't want to yell or get mad at him. Blair and Kai already told him that he was making me cry, in a hope that it would make him want to come over. But why would I want him to come if he doesn't want to? That would just make things even worse and besides like I said, I know what it feels like to want to be alone.

Hurt and lies and loneliness and sex and sex and sex.