Never Gonna Drink Again, Never Gonna...

Voice: Had a good time last night, I gather?
Weaver: If my hands were shaking any harder, I'd be a living vibrator.
Voice: I'll take that as a yes.
Weaver: Luckily, that's the extent of my hangover. Probably the fact that ever since the first time I got drunk, I've been somewhat careful about drinking tons of water with my alcohol to avoid said hangovers helped.
Voice: So what was the occasion for such indulgence?
Weaver: Well, no occasion really. Kurt and his friend Sandy came to visit from Vancouver, and a certain somebody's goal in life is to initiate me into the dregs of drunkhood and highhood. Obviously, he doesn't realize that I was initiated into said ranks several years ago. Not that I'm complaining. In any case, I have quite a few shots of tequila and 40-proof wine. Feeling no pain, indeed.
Voice: It was probably the tequila that did you in. You know what they say... One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Weaver: I wouldn't say I was on the floor. I did, however, have four tequilas. I think. Then I talked to Blair on the phone for a long time.
Voice: Oh? What about?
Weaver: v.v See, I'm a talkative drunk. At the risk of sounding cliche'd, I can control it though. Most people never know that I'm drunk. Years of wall-building and barriers have ensured that. But the desire is always there, and the ability. You see, the wall-building and such not only made it capable for me to keep things inside, it made me incapable of letting some things out. Alcohol helps to remove that particular barrier.

Oh, and on a completely different note, I'm proud of our generation. Kurt doesn't drink, because he doesn't like what it does to him. Rebecca doesn't either, for similar reasons. Although there are of course a lot of people who drink because their friends do it and such, I also know many people of this age like Kurt and Becca who choose not to no matter how many of their friends are doing it. And I respect that. They make me proud.

I don't imbibe or inhale because of anything friends do or say. Let's make that clear right now. I do it because I enjoy it occasionally (not all the time) and because I think it's both good for me (again, occasionally) and it's a learning thing, weird as that sounds.

This particular time, however, I happened to get online and speak to Jordan. Jordan, for those of you who haven't been involved intrinsically in my life, is a guy. More specifically, my brother's friend's brother, if that makes sense. Around my age (a bit younger, actually), and long story made short, the object of my affections. Recently, I found out that the sentiment was returned. Of course, only time will tell what becomes of this, since I suck, period, at relationships and my first and last one previous to this was with a guy who wanted to keep our relationship quiet because he thought his friends would make fun of him for hanging out around me. Me, the stupid idiot that I am, agreed. Even keeping it quiet soon wasn't enough for him, I guess, because he soon started avoiding me and ignoring me until I got the picture.

But he's dead now.

Voice: Sounds like a jerk. There are so many things wrong with that, I'm not even going to start on them.
Weaver: I know, I know. Or rather, I know that now. But my point is, it's even worse now because Jordan is technically my brother's friend, and I'm afraid his brother and my brother are going to mock him. Not only do I not want that, but I wouldn't blame him if he wanted to keep it quiet because of that or even break it off altogether.
Voice: Sounds a lot like the last guy. Are you willing to face that again?
Weaver: Ignoring the fact that Jordan is absolutely nothing like him, it's also a different situation. I knew most of the last dude's friends, believe it or not. And they all (well, most of them) liked me. His embarassment stemmed, I think, from his own problems with me, and had nothing to do with his friends.

But barring the circumstances, much as I like Jordan, I'm not sure I could handle that again. I won't blame him at all (or at least, not much) if he decides he doesn't want anyone to know, but I don't think I could continue with it. I think my brother (who told me directly that if I was going to keep bugging his friend Xtian to come over--Xtian owns one of my favorite movies of all time and I always want him to bring it--then I should just go and ask the guy out because his parents think I'm nuts) will accept it with only minor ribbing, but I have no idea about Aaron, Jordan's bro.

Voice: Sounds like you're thinking too much to me. You should probably just relax, let it flow, and accept that whatever will come, will come. Now what does Jordan have to do with your alcohol last night?
Weaver: Man, I don't want to just let it come, though. I want to see him, experience everything, know for sure. If something happens with this guy, I think it will hurt a hell of a lot more than the last dude. Wait. Alcohol. Right. That's what I was talking about. Yeah, so I did the honorable thing and warned him straight up of my condition. Then told him to take advantage and ask me anything, since I would probably answer honestly and completely (and not remember much of it later). He told me he couldnt' do it unless I did the same for him. Or at least, I think that's what happened, because I remember taking turns. And I also remember being damn proud of that boy. For once he shed his utter niceness and asked real questions, the kind you think about but never actually come close to voicing for fear of getting slapped.

And before you ask, Voice, no I don't care to share. In fact, I think it's time I go downstairs and splash water on my face before finding my glasses (I appear to have lost both pairs last night) and then call him because I remember asking something about a movie on Wednesday. Then, off to bug Kurt and Sandy (or rather, wake them up), and get ready for work.

Weaver fades as she speaks, already losing herself back into the mundane world.

Voice: Hasta luego.