But, because my conscience demands it, I'm going to sacrifice the joyful timelessness of my life and find/record the real date... which is, this day (Sunday, July 17th), but one year later.... Meaning 2006, not 2005.
Ughhh. I suppose this won't come as a surprise to most of the people close to me right now (like Becca and Mama)... but I'm falling for Davo. Er... a bit more than that, even. I think it's pretty safe to say that I already tripped and hit my head on this one.
I suppose the time when I got thumped with this knowledge was... Friday? I dunno the day. But before/around when we went to Stampede. We were talking, and I was teasing him about the twit (as usual) and he was telling me about how he was finally 100% over her. But that wasn't all he said. He said that it was partly because he liked someone else. Someone he told me to trust him was far from a twit. Someone he'd known a year and a half at least and that had been there for him all along.
Oh, here's the Chat Log.
| (1:32 PM) DaVo_.- . [[466-: | there's a different girl i like..quite a bit too |
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| (1:32 PM) DaVo_.- . [[466-: | and shes nothing near a twit |
| (1:32 PM) Sayata - Come aw: | *shakes head* |
| (1:32 PM) Sayata - Come aw: | I'll believe it when I see it |
| (1:32 PM) DaVo_.- . [[466-: | trust me on this one |
| (1:32 PM) DaVo_.- . [[466-: | ive known her for a year and a half, and we've been tight the whole way through |
Damned if my heart didn't do a backflip and light up in hope.
| (1:33 PM) DaVo_.- . [[466-: | and we would be dating right now probly, if matt hadnt interfered not so long ago |
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And damned if it didn't curl up into a ball and shrivel when he continued to describe someone else.
But... ugh. Just... ugh. I swear, my heart was leaning forward going "Yes? Yesssss?", and meanwhile my mind was going "FUCK! There's no way you can fool yourself now! Look what your heart is doing!". And in that one instant, I wanted to murder that girl, even though I didn't know her.
Plus he fought with his best friend over her, and while they were fighting she went out and started dating someone else. I'd have to say "GOOD FOR HER!" on that one, but still. A chick he fought his bro for? Can we say, OFF-LIMITS?!? And doubly so because she's TAKEN!! I don't care if she says she still has feelings for him. If she REALLY had feelings with him, she'd break up with her boytoy and date him, damnit.
Although she DOES seem like a nice girl, I guess. I haven't met her. And anyone's fucking better than Jolyn, I suppose...
Actually, I really want to believe she's as amazing as he says. If I have to listen to him talk about him and some other random chick, let her at least be an amazing one who won't tear his heart in half.
It would be easier to just hate her.
This really bloody sucks though. I mean, it seems like all of his friends who are girls have had crushes on him at some point or another. I don't want to be one of the hordes. And he obviously sees me as a good non-romantic friend, because I get to hear about all of his love-life, and feelings (even ze purely physical ones) for girls. And I love that honesty. I really do. I don't know whether he's that way with only me or whether that's just the way he is, but I like hearing the whole story, not just what's appropriate.
But it still kinda hurts to hear him talk about every other girl on the fucking earth like that. It makes me feel kinda... well... boyish, I guess. Butch. Good enough to be a great friend, but someone who would obviously never be a love interest. I mean, he's having a bunch of girls over to make out this week. Yeah, yeah... it's Juniour High shit, but whatever. Fuck, I'd still love to be in on it! But no... I got to hear about how excited he is and how there's one chick gonna be there that he's really hot for (although that's as far as it goes).
It's just so many little things that I like... I like the short bursts that he talks in (although I'm starting to talk like that too after hanging with him... grrr), the way he smiles, the way he wanders randomly around his house... even his spiky hair and the weird way he hugs. Maybe I'm like him and just need somebody to obsess over. But hey, he could obsess over me any time he wants...
And then there's Tristan, although I think I've known for a while that it's well and truly over, if only because he's so straight. I know that he doesn't mind that I'm not... but I'd like to be able to chill and light one up with someone I love, or even be able to fucking have sex without knowing that he's freaked out over the possibility of me getting pregnant. I know that he accepts me for who I am... but I also know that he's not completely comfortable with it.
And yeah... I still want what I've always wanted... not just someone who likes me but someone who's completely gaga over me. And neither the SK or I was/is completely gaga over the other. I mean, come on. He's been gone three weeks and we've exchanged like two or three impersonal emails. Joy...
I think I just need a best friend again. Not that my friends aren't great, but there's nobody I'm super close to. That's my equal, and that I can talk to about absolutely anything at anytime. Learn from, and have them learn from me. No judgment.
Man, I miss Inga sometimes. But hey, I'll still be here when the smoke clears for her, to (embarassingly) quote Avril Lavigne. Her life is just too busy for me right now, especially since we live so far away.
And that, my dears, is a big part of my troubles. It'd be so much easier if I could see the people I love every day. Freedom. Freedom to wander and stay wherever and to live and love as I choose, with the barriers between that being mental and emotional and spiritual without the physical thrown in to make it THAT much harder.
He just told me that he's not sure that he likes Meghann as more than a friend! *grins manically*
I'm taking this news quite chilled-like.
I shouldn't be so happy.
This whole frigging issue has disappated my whole love of myself thing. I keep thinking that he's so lean and I'm so... voluptuous. All the cicas he's friends with seem to be tiny lil' things. Not super smart. Perky-like... and all interexchangeable. 'Cept Becca and me. Hence why I was surprised when we made it into his shout-outs. We're the kinda friends that (and no offense to my friends who do this) you use when you need us, then drop us into the background when you don't. Maybe we have serious conversations at night, but you don't always eat with us.
That's probably another reason I'm feeling so lonely. I mean, Blair always says she misses me, but it's not me who she's reminiscing about and putting pics of with her on her Nex page. Dallis might call or stop by, but his every second question is about the story he wanted me to read and comment on, or the orgy that I stupidly mentioned to him. Not that I'm even really interested in that anymore because it's just too planned.
| (3:44 AM) DaVo_.- . [[466-: | she's not exactly the twit type i guess, meaning likes everything i like, and wants to party hard and go nuts and be stupid. she's different from me in some ways, but she is without a doubt gorgeous and like i said..probly one of the best friends i could ever have. |
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| (3:45 AM) DaVo_.- . [[466-: | i guess all of it just doesnt come in one package. its one or the other, and the twit way, just isnt working for me. |
| (3:45 AM) Ugh. I give up!: | Hm but all of that is head stuff |
| (3:46 AM) Ugh. I give up!: | What's your heart sayin'? |
| (3:46 AM) Ugh. I give up!: | Does your heart flip whenever someone mentions her? |
| (3:46 AM) Ugh. I give up!: | Are you always thinking of her? |
| (3:47 AM) Ugh. I give up!: | When you see something you love, is your first thought of showing it to her? |
| (3:48 AM) DaVo_.- . [[466-: | i was thinking about her all tonight |
| (3:49 AM) DaVo_.- . [[466-: | but she's not as... infatuating as the twit kind of girl |
| (3:50 AM) DaVo_.- . [[466-: | but then again twits are ones that will never stick with you. she will. i want to be as crazed about her as i did jolyn and nikki..and morgan.. ugh |
| (3:50 AM) Ugh. I give up!: | Hm |
| (3:51 AM) Ugh. I give up!: | Well you have nothing to lose by going out with her I guess |
| (3:51 AM) Ugh. I give up!: | I mean, you seem like good enugh friends that your friendship could survive if it went downhill |
| (3:54 AM) DaVo_.- . [[466-: | my hope is that she'll become as mind absorbing as anyone that i liked before her, once we start to get into being more than friends. i havent hung out with her that much, anyways. maybe more would open up some full and real feelings, maybe it'll come after we try and take a chance on it.. but yeah, no we would always stay close even if a relationship failed, im pretty sure at least.. |
| (3:54 AM) Ugh. I give up!: | Well there you go then... |
| (3:55 AM) Ugh. I give up!: | At least you'd know for sure |
| (3:55 AM) Ugh. I give up!: | And there are some people that you think are awesome but just aren't attracted to |
| (3:57 AM) | DaVo_.- . [[466-1107]] .>Fuck Authority<. ... I need you now, please hurry up and find me..wherever you are.. ...great night. has changed his/her personal message to "i want to be crazed about You.. but how is it that its not like that:(" |
| (3:57 AM) DaVo_.- . [[466-: | but i am attracted to her. |
I swear, with every sentence my heart just sinks lower and lower. If he's not sure about his feelings for HER, what are the chances he ever likes ME? She seems like frigging superwoman and much more the type he seems to like than me. Ughhhhhhh.
| (3:58 AM) DaVo_.- . [[466-: | just.. the things in common thing, its a big deal to me usually. and she's more laid back and easy going and im more hardcore and wanting some crazyness. soemtimes you want soemone that will keep up with you and your ways.. |
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EXACTLY!!! That's what I mean about me an' Tristan. We're just not on the same level. Maybe another time, when we're riding the same wavelength, but not now. Although I know that we'll never be on the same level like that, unfortunately. But we'll always be great friends, hopefully.
I think that's where Meghann and Davo are at, too. Or perhaps I'm just being hopeful... I kinda think I would be a good balance of that... I'm not a twit but I'm still interested in le craziness.
But maybe it's the twitness and not the similarity that attracts him.
Man, I need to stop obsessing. Especially over fucking guys. Especially over fucking guys who don't even realize I exist. Or worse, see me as 'one of le dudes'.
Hm... maybe if I had a sex slave to satisfy my baser urges, I wouldn't feel the need to circle like a vulture over Davo.
Note to self, add "Find Sex Slave" to my to-do list.
You know who I also miss? Kurt. We seem to drift together and apart over the years. He's another one that I'll still be around for when the smoke clears, although in his case the drug of choice is testoterone. And lust.
Hm. He'd make a good sex slave, if he didn't live in Vancouver.
Okay, obviously this whole entry is going downhill fast.
I'm going to go curl up, I guess.
Lah.
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