Sunday, February 25, 2007

Thank you, Goddess.

For everything that's happened, and everything that's to come.

Thank you especially for Kellin and I's trip to Montreal in March. Thank you for allowing both of us to get there, and to have a blast, and to get back.

Lah.

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Wishes and Wonders

Just read Blairbear's blog. Catching up on months of missage.

No wonder she thought I knew.

Part of me feels like I failed her, let her down, didn't care enough to catch it. Wrapped up in my life, my boyfriend, and my own petty problems while my friend, the one that I consider as much a part of my heart as anything, was going through hell.

The other part says that it's as much her fault as mine.

And another part of me is just scared.

I don't want to be there. I don't want to have to make those hard decisions.

I know the universe doesn't listen to the 'don't's, but there it is.

Let's put it another way.

I want to be happy, healthy, and whole. Then again, those things and being pregnant aren't mutually exclusive, so how do I put my wish out to the universe in the right way?

It's a little bit different than wishing to be succesful at a show, after all.

How about this?

I want to know. I want to be aware of my body. I would like to be responsible and in control of my reproduction.

So mote it be.

And once you wish it, you can't just forget about it. You have to go out and do something about it, and trust the Universe to do the rest.

And I have. I've been careful. I don't sleep around. I've always protected myself. And I continue to be careful, because I wanted to have that modicum of certainty.

Maybe that wasn't enough.

But hey. I've done all that I can on my part for now, and the rest is up to the Universe.

Whatever will come, will come. And I'll just have to deal with it when it does.

Lah.

Thursday, February 15, 2007

A New Era

I just happened to read over my last post. How ironic. That was exactly one week ago... and as of tomorrow, I am officially withdrawn from Springbank Community High School.

Now how did this come to be, you ask? After worrying about taking more classes and special projects and everything else in the universe to do with school, the end came so utterly randomly.

Let's go back to earlier today.

I spent the first two periods getting everything together for my job in the cafeteria. For some reason (maybe St. Vally's Day yesterday scrambled my brains), I thought I had English all afternoon instead of in the morning, and by the time I figured it out it was kinda too late... Who knew it would end up having been my last English class? *sniffle*

So instead I used the morning to submit all my hours, verify the official (meaning paid) version of my hours with my boss, and try to get my direct deposit and health insurance stuff settled. Then I worked in there until lunch, and then I went out with Kellin and talked to Ingoutch for a bit. 'Twas lovely (though the convo lasted all of a minute), and I can't wait to go see her in March.

So yes. Came back in, realized I had no class all afternoon, and failed to get in touch with Mama to go home. So I went back into the caf to help Kellin's dear Mama get out early, and in return (or... you know... just because she's Michelle...) she told me to come home with her and Kellin and call Mama from there. We were just out the door when I realized I'd forgotten to give Christian something to give to Kai. Michelle told me to run like the wind, but I couldn't find Christian anywhere. I did, however, see Keebee and Blair and thrust it into their hands, already worried I was taking too long. I was going out the door once again when el principal cornered me and insisted I go talk to him.

Yes, I told him Michelle was waiting with the car already running.

No, he didn't care.

Given the circumstances (and my naturally paranoid nature), I thought I was in deep shit. So imagine my surprise when he leads me to his office, sits down at his desk, and starts fiddling with some papers. Then he told me that I was ready for my diploma. I wasn't sure what exactly he meant at first, but it soon became clear what his goal was.

Then again, "I think it would be better for everyone if you were to withdraw from the school" doesn't leave much room for interpretation.

He talked at me for a while, outlining all the reasons why I should get the fuck out of his school, and I was surprised to learn that underneath all the bull, the proposition actually made sense. I told him that I couldn't make a decision without talking to my dear Mama and pointed out one last time that I was pressed for time. Then I booked it out to Michelle's car. Neither she nor Kellin was mad once I told them what happened. And both thought about it and agreed it was a definite option. When I talked to Mum a little later, she also agreed. She also informed me that we were going to Edmonton early Saturday morning, until Wednesday.

It was Thursday afternoon.

Way to give warning.

Although it's not like she kept it a secret... I just thought it was sometime during next week. I had plans for the weekend... And I hate trade shows, especially when I'm broke... I'm not too fond of Edmonton, either....

*sigh* But that's off-topic.

Since Mama refused to pick me up, I got a ride back to the school to take the bus. First, I got my final exam mark back (after wandering aimlessly awhile, thinking about my decision to 'withdraw'). Eighty-two, whee. Same as my class mark, I think. Told a few people about 'my decision'. Then, I went back to Mr. Davidson. When I told him 'my decision', he started smiling. He didn't hesitate to assure me that I was welcome to visit the school, welcome to continue working in the caf, and welcome to go to grad in May, of course. He handed me the (surprisingly simple) withdrawal form and told me to get my teachers to fill out the bottom part so Mama could get a refund on my school fees. Then he hustled me out of his office by the main office doors, and headed back into his office.

Or so I thought. When I turned to go down the hall I saw him leaving his office by its own separate door, grinning widely and whistling.

I kid you not.

And I will bet you every book that I own and all my money that some form of "One down!" crossed his mind as he handed me that form and led me out of that office.

The whole thing was so weird. He interspersed compliments with negative implications about my moral character (yeah, I'm proud of that wording). And although he was sickly sweet about the entire thing (even while insultiong me), I still find him astonishingly transparent. Still, the whole thing (and such a sudden thing) left me feeling kinda lost, so I wandered a bit more before going to see Mr. Dearden.

Luckily, his class was working on their own, so I was free to speak to him in peace. He didn't hear me knock or come in, and when he looked up and saw me, he gave me an altogether different smile from Davidson's. When he asked where I'd been, I just handed him the withdrawal form. He couldn't believe it, especially when I told him about Davidson's role in my decision to withdraw. He was a lot madder than I'd been. I'd just been kinda bemused until then. But seeing him get mad for my sake just made me sad. Not about my decision to withdraw, but just about the admin's general attitude. Mr. Dearden and I had a hug and a moment, and I asked and was told that I could come sit in on classes whenever I want.

Dearden wasn't the only one pissed off. Blair was ready to gun down Mr. Davidson. Kai's first response was "what an asshole", as was Brandon's. But hey. Not only was it my final decision, but I don't really care about Davidson. Guess what? I don't have to deal with him anymore. Plus they can't suspend me or cuss me out for smoking. At least not off of school property.

It's just so insane, though. One moment I was looking at five more months of school at least, and the next I was as close to done as I'll be until tomorrow when the final signature goes on that piece of paper. Tomorrow. And tomorrow is also the last day before school goes underground for Suicide Week, so it's gonna be even more unreal when the vacation week finishes.

Eeek.

And when I talked to Kellin a few hours ago, he mentioned something that had also crossed my mind at some point today. He told me that since I decided to drop out (so much more... base... than 'withdraw', no?), he really wants to do the same. Not for some stupid love thing, of course. But I know for a fact that before we started talking and eventually dating, he was barely going to class. But after we started dating, there was more of a reason to go to school. I know what he means. after we got serious, I rarely missed school. Actually going to class was a different story, of course, but between seeing Kellin and working in the caf, I was usually somewhere in the building.

But even with that small motivation, since the semester's started Kellin's been getting a majour case of the same itch I've had since the beginning of last year. I can count on one hand the number of times he's gone to a full day of classes. I think I can count it on one or two fingers, actually. And I'm sure the fact that he won't be able to graduate this year has something to do with it. I mean, what's the point of going to class when you know that the credits won't be doing you any good? Especially classes that were randomly assigned to you.

He told me he'd really miss seeing me at school.

Although I will be there at least sometime each day to work in the caf.

But now, back to (non-school related) work.

Lah.

Thursday, February 08, 2007

Thursday's Child Has Far To Go

As the familiar setting of the misty place coalesces around the Weaver, a fairy tale voice can be heard singing.

Monday's child is fair of face
Tuesday's child is full of grace
Wednesday's child is one of woe
Thursday's child has far to go
Friday's child is honest and giving
Saturday's child works hard for his living
And the child that is born on Sabbath day
Is bonny and blithe and good and gay.

As the last of the nursery rhyme fades, a scene appears in the mist. At first, it's hard to distinguish anything but vague images. Then it becomes apparent that the image of a field is hard to distinguish because there's an icy fog the same colour as the mist blanketing everything. A light, drifting snowfall further obscures things, so that the final image depicts a hazy outdoor scene of a field, fenced in some area by a simple low wooden rail. The occasional run down shack or tree appears from out of the mist, but any further than ten feet in the distance before everything is swallowed by the swirling grey-white.

Weaver: This is my world right now.

Voice: Your own personal world, or Calgary?

Weaver: Well, no Calgary, really. It's more in the country where I live. Isn't it gorgeous?

Voice: Gorgeous to look at, maybe. It doesn't look like it would be fun to drive in.

Weaver: I never said it was. And it's horribly cold, terribly unpleasant, unbelievably slippery, and absolutely gorgeous. I can slide on cement with my combat boots on. Better than on the ice, actually. And the school keeps refusing to close for a snow day, so I've been out and about in it for a while.

Voice: So you're still in school, eh?

Weaver: Yeah... Mostly for English class, which is what I'm in right now. Although I'm lost in the project we're doing, so I will devote my weekend to doing that and instead took this moment to describe the way the weather is now, before I forget it. Unfortunately, I can't properly enjoy the beauty because my uterus feels like it's about to explode. Also, I'm hungry.

Voice: Bitchy, bitchy...

Weaver: Hey. You've never had PMS so don't get on my case about it. At least I'm not teary-eyed anymore. And with my period set to drop any second like some kind of suspected terrorist attack, at least I got to spend some time with Kellin last night before the big sploosh. Ugh... I hate this curse of womanhood sometimes.

Voice: Especially since you have no intention of getting pregnant anytime soon.

Weaver: EXACTLY! Which is why I'd like to go on the pill. Stupid condoms and stupid periods...

Bahahaha... Mr Dearden just stood on his head (I kid you not) and screamed that periods and commas go "OUTSIDE THE GODDAMNED QUOTATION MARKS!!!". Like that. He started off with "This is a very special day... this day marks the ten billionth time that I've corrected someone's paper and have them not understand that the punctuation goes outside the quotation marks. Do I have to stand on my head... *attempts several times before succeeding* and tell you guys... *Continues as mentioned above*

As we just kill ourselves laughing.

Especially when he came down and his head was redder than a tomato for his efforts.

Whee...

Lah.