Wishes and Wonders

Just read Blairbear's blog. Catching up on months of missage.

No wonder she thought I knew.

Part of me feels like I failed her, let her down, didn't care enough to catch it. Wrapped up in my life, my boyfriend, and my own petty problems while my friend, the one that I consider as much a part of my heart as anything, was going through hell.

The other part says that it's as much her fault as mine.

And another part of me is just scared.

I don't want to be there. I don't want to have to make those hard decisions.

I know the universe doesn't listen to the 'don't's, but there it is.

Let's put it another way.

I want to be happy, healthy, and whole. Then again, those things and being pregnant aren't mutually exclusive, so how do I put my wish out to the universe in the right way?

It's a little bit different than wishing to be succesful at a show, after all.

How about this?

I want to know. I want to be aware of my body. I would like to be responsible and in control of my reproduction.

So mote it be.

And once you wish it, you can't just forget about it. You have to go out and do something about it, and trust the Universe to do the rest.

And I have. I've been careful. I don't sleep around. I've always protected myself. And I continue to be careful, because I wanted to have that modicum of certainty.

Maybe that wasn't enough.

But hey. I've done all that I can on my part for now, and the rest is up to the Universe.

Whatever will come, will come. And I'll just have to deal with it when it does.

Lah.