Whew, what a weekend. I was unceremoniously ditched both Friday and Saturday night, but hey. It was an okay weekend anyways.
The yearly grad fashion show was on Friday... I didn't participate, but I still got in for free since I'm technically a grad. It was lovely, I had fun... and then there was the even-more-famous fashion show afterparty. Where I drank and drank and drank some more! And all in all, I had a pretty good time.
I talked to Mama about how what irks me about Kellin ditching me is that he tends to do it on the weekend (sometimes both nights, like this weekend) and whenever he decides to have a 'boys night' he ends up going to parties where not only are there chicks but they're the kind of parties I like and he ends up doing the drugs I like. In fact, he ends up doing them more on the 'boys nights' than he does with me.
Her response was a funny look. "You're gorgeous, smart, and capable of handling yourself," she said. "First of all, what kind of idiot leaves a gorgeous girl at home when he goes out to a party. And second of all, why the hell should a girl as gorgeous as you need him to party?"
Apart from having just been called gorgeous three times in the space of thirty seconds, my mind spun with the implications of that. Yes, I'd already decided that I wanted a party life in which I didn't necessarily need him to have fun, but to have her say it so plainly to me made me realize that she was right. All of this has given me niggling feelings that there's something wrong with me that he doesn't want to take me with him. Or even (since he used to all the time) that now that we're more serious he doesn't see me as being in that darker part of his life. Maybe the latter is still a possibility, but I realized that there ain't nothin' wrong with me! My life didn't begin when I started going out with him... Why the hell should it have ended?
Plus I spent five hours today raking leaves. What does that have to do with anything? I'll tell you. That's an awful long time to be raking, with only two ten-minute breaks. So of course, that's a lot of songs on my Smile! playlist. And while I was raking the leaves and listening to the songs come up one after the other, I realized that most of them were female power-up beats and lyrics. Everything from Pink's 'Respect' to Aretha's 'Respect', with some Dresden Dolls and Destiny's Child and a bunch of others thrown in. Geez, even Bob Marley's 'Get Up Stand Up', now that I think about it.
So how can I know the lyrics to all these songs by heart, and sing them in such a heartfelt way, and just realize now that I'm not always practicing what I preach.
*sigh* It'd be so much easier if this boy just smartened up. Not that I wouldn't still follow these thoughts of mine, but at least maybe I wouldn't feel so much like I'm plotting against him.
Or maybe I'm just stoned.
Well, actually I know for a fact that I'm pretty there, but that's not the point.
Moving on.
So yes. My crazy suspicions about Chris, which I guess aren't so crazy after all because when I described them to my mother she was like "DUH!". Basically lately, I've been getting the crazy impression that he's trying to put a gap between Kellin and me. Not majourly so, but doing and saying little things that could and sometimes do fuck things up. Witness the following:
Pieces of mist detach themselves from the edges of vision, thickening and coming together to form the words...
Exhibit A - "Smoke Break"
It's morning and I just got to school... I have a few minutes before work to go out for a cigarette and chill with Kellin before having to work. I meet him near the cafeteria and tell him I'm going out for a smoke. He asks if I could share it with him. I agree and we start to head outside, only for him to be pulled back into the cafeteria by my boss, Deb, to finish a task he'd forgotten on his early-morning rounds. I wait for a minute or two, then go outside to chitchat and await him. I delay lighting my smoke, afraid it will be finished by the time he joins us. When Crystal, seeing that I have not yet lit my smoke, offers me a lighter, I explain. Chris gives me a sideways look and says "You know he wouldn't do the same for you, right?" and I disagreed and everyone got into a small discussion about it. It was a little thing, but it bugged me for a while (especially since he almost always shares whatever cigarette he has with me, even if I have my own).
Exhibit B - "Time Apart"
The scene is Thursday, the day my mother got home from Jamaica. I'd been staying at Kellin's for about a week, with few problems or fights. Earlier in the day Brian had told me that he was picking Mama up from the airport and since I had no ride I'd just see her Friday. Over the course of the day, some things happened to irritate me, so Kellin and I weren't as close and cuddly as usual. When we got home for the evening, Kellin had to help his mom at the school. I had a headache, so I bowed out. A few hours passed and I was comfortable and chilling with Brandon and about to eat dinner when he got back, saying he might have to go back later. He wasn't hungry so he went downstairs to play video games. I had no desire to watch him play video games so I ate upstairs. After dinner Brandon invited me to do blades, so we started that and I expected Kellin to smell the pot and appear upstairs. But after a while and no Kellin, Brandon told me he'd gone back to help out his mom at the school. I was surprised he hadn't even said bye or anything, but figured we'd work things out when he got back.
It was just after ten, I think, when Brandon and I went to put on Fight Club and the phone rang. It was Kai, telling me that not only were he and Brian picking me up to go to the airport, but they'd be there in ten minutes. Eeeek! I scrambled together my purse and left, never to return (until the next day at least).
That was the story as I knew it until Friday night. That night Kellin confessed that Chris had called and Kellin had been irritated at me being mad at him and told him what was going on. Chris told him that we obviously needed time apart, and kindly volunteered his services for Kellin to lie to his brother and ditch out and go drive around and get weed on what should have been my last night out there. What turned out not even to be that much.
And he had the nerve to go "I got home and you weren't there..." when I saw him on Friday.
Oh yeah, and Chris sure must be a great guy to get girl advice from, considering how well he was doing with his girlfriend for the last few months.
Exhibit C - "Come on, boys only..."
Funny how every singly 'boys night', especially the ones where he goes AWOL, either start out with or include Chris in some way. Nights where he admits he wanted to do it with me to begin with but end up with me not being invited. How I used to go along everywhere, no problem, until I got back from Montreal and Chris and and Savannah started having problems. I suspect there's a little devil whispering in Kellin's ear, and his name starts with a C. Funny how all of a sudden I've been invited next weekend, when Savannah will also be going along for the first time in a while.
Oh, and I sure as hell haven't forgiven that boy for being the devil whispering in Kellin's ear about other things, either. One other thing in particular.
I have a feeling that whatever Chris is having a problem with, he wants Kellin to have a problem with, too. And a sneaking suspicion that he's jealous of my friendship with Michelle. *sigh* it's all so childish.
Anyways, I have to work tomorrow and I'm exhausted. Enough of my obsessing. It's bedtime.
Lah.
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