Ah, exam season. Such a combination of lag and stress. But I've had many exam seasons over the years and I fancy myself slightly used to it. It helps that I have all these moments of detente with Daniel and that I have Mama and a support group. I'm part of the Village! The Village is what we have come to term the community that Elanor and her female friends and fellow moms have formed, of love and support. And to see the effect on the children of the group... Pretty darn cool, man. Pretty darn cool. I look at them and I see the future. Sounds a bit cliched, but it's completely true. They give me chills, but in a good way. And I marvel at how far I've come in life already, and yet how much further I have to go. Only thing to do is enjoy, enjoy, enjoy. Live it to the fullest and touch every bit of it! Of course, the stress sometimes gets to me. But I know that I'm not alone, and I have all these things to look forward to! Christmas is coming, and a time to rest. The end is nigh folks, and we're all gonna fry together. Or fight together, however you want to look at it!
And the boy, the boy... The boy has a large enough ego that certainly does not need anymore pandering to. Suffice to say, he dances. What's strange is, he's not so big on kisses. Little affectionate ones, yes... peppered kisses, yes... and there's nothing wrong with those! But the involved ones, the casual ones... all the literal lip-locking, not so much. Something to ponder on. Watching a relationship grow is the strangest thing. A very cool thing to watch, but strange all the same. Like a book but not like a book. Living a book, I suppose... But he's aware, too. Which makes me curious to know how he sees it. Maybe it's just the mesh starting, but I like meshing brains and getting into his head. Or getting his head into mine, I suppose. Because he's got a distinctness to him that means mine doesn't just overpower it.
As always, we shall see. But things are getting clearer and sometimes I can just watch the Universe unfold before me. It's unsettling in the best of ways. Everything always happens exactly as it should.
I guess I really am Indigo to the max, eh?
Lah.
Wednesday, December 09, 2009
Tuesday, December 08, 2009
Emotion.
If there's one thing that I understand, it's emotion. The immersiveness of them, the ups, downs, lows and pure feelings. Of course, sometimes I'm a little too close to them... Other peoples', especially. The mind is a powerful thing. It can convince people of anything, and once a person is convinced of something it's not difficult to manifest it into actual reality, especially when it is a personal reality.
This makes the topic of emotion a very slippery one. If you convince yourself that you have an emotion and thus cause yourself to feel it, is it still as valid as one that takes you by surprise? If you get so caught up in the thinking of things that you forget to stop thinking and experience, are your thoughts really worth it?
All things considered and all things that I've done, I've never REALLY bad tripped before. Little bad trips, I've suffered through alone. I think the overall lack of bad tripping is because I spend so much time worrying in my head when I'm sober that I do drugs to slow down the brain's overacting instead of speed it up. And bad tripping is an ultimate example of the brain's power and how it can affect your reality.
But let's get off of that for a moment, because I'm, as usual, limited for time. Let's go back to the validity of convincing oneself of an emotion. Like bad tripping, the emotion is no less valid for being contrived. Is thinking yourself into it really any different from those that fling themselves headlong into emotions? And what effect does being aware of it cause?
I've been feeling a downward spiral of my own into emotion for the past few weeks. It's a combination of thoughts and occasional spikes. And the fact that I know the downward spiral is being reciprocated means feeding into each other, as well. Part of me wants to say "No! Too fast! Back it up Sayata, you're just talking yourself into it!" But the truth is, I do understand emotion, and there is no problem with loving freely and openly. We turn it into such a big thing, almost to be feared. "No, I can't say that. No, I can't feel that. It must be wrong." But my honesty policy extends to myself, too. There's no reason why there has to be an only love that freezes out all others, and no reason why a love for a partner must exceed a love for a family member or close friend. And there's no reason why one aspect of love must make others, including previous ones, less valid.
But I do have to say... Why are you seeing fit to hit me in the face repeatedly with Love, Goddess? Not that I'm ungrateful. And I do try to put a lot out in the world, so maybe it's coming back to me, in which case thanks! But really... my poor heart feels like it's getting smacked around like a baseball and exploding with all these constant feelings. Thank God they're mostly good, but yesterday was painful! Very painful!
Lah.
This makes the topic of emotion a very slippery one. If you convince yourself that you have an emotion and thus cause yourself to feel it, is it still as valid as one that takes you by surprise? If you get so caught up in the thinking of things that you forget to stop thinking and experience, are your thoughts really worth it?
All things considered and all things that I've done, I've never REALLY bad tripped before. Little bad trips, I've suffered through alone. I think the overall lack of bad tripping is because I spend so much time worrying in my head when I'm sober that I do drugs to slow down the brain's overacting instead of speed it up. And bad tripping is an ultimate example of the brain's power and how it can affect your reality.
But let's get off of that for a moment, because I'm, as usual, limited for time. Let's go back to the validity of convincing oneself of an emotion. Like bad tripping, the emotion is no less valid for being contrived. Is thinking yourself into it really any different from those that fling themselves headlong into emotions? And what effect does being aware of it cause?
I've been feeling a downward spiral of my own into emotion for the past few weeks. It's a combination of thoughts and occasional spikes. And the fact that I know the downward spiral is being reciprocated means feeding into each other, as well. Part of me wants to say "No! Too fast! Back it up Sayata, you're just talking yourself into it!" But the truth is, I do understand emotion, and there is no problem with loving freely and openly. We turn it into such a big thing, almost to be feared. "No, I can't say that. No, I can't feel that. It must be wrong." But my honesty policy extends to myself, too. There's no reason why there has to be an only love that freezes out all others, and no reason why a love for a partner must exceed a love for a family member or close friend. And there's no reason why one aspect of love must make others, including previous ones, less valid.
But I do have to say... Why are you seeing fit to hit me in the face repeatedly with Love, Goddess? Not that I'm ungrateful. And I do try to put a lot out in the world, so maybe it's coming back to me, in which case thanks! But really... my poor heart feels like it's getting smacked around like a baseball and exploding with all these constant feelings. Thank God they're mostly good, but yesterday was painful! Very painful!
Lah.
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