Thursday, December 02, 2010

Insecurity.

With Love and sex and the admission that maybe exclusivity is the best solution after all, comes that horrible demon Jealousy, fed from that little well of insecurity that takes ages to quash utterly, and has a way of popping up at the most insidious times.

Well, this time isn't so much insidious or unexpected, except that I thought I'd mostly moved past it. I guess it's the whole reassurance thing. I'm feeling insecure and stuff, and I ask for reassurance, and it isn't really given. I know it's silly because I'm the one here, with him living with me and sleeping in my bed. Shouldn't that be reassurance enough? Probably. Especially since I know that the capacity to Love is endless.

But I still feel poopy. She's coming to visit, finally. I don't really know when she's arriving, or how long she's staying. Indi professes to not care, seeing as how she's chill and all, and usually I would agree... but I like to know these things. And she's significant. Until I meet her and she becomes a real, tangible person who's energy I can sense and get the measure of, and his reaction to her, the insecurity persists. And the feeling of inadequacy. Is that what it is? A fear of being held up in comparison to a girl by someone that I respect and love, and being found wanting? I guess that is what it is, because I'm crying. He wouldn't want to be forced to choose, he says. Hardly reassuring. Do months of discussions, cuddles, arguments, experiences falter when compared to a few good memories and vibes with this magical girl? I don't hate her; in fact, I'll probably really like her. It's more him, and myself, that are the problem.

I'm so tired of hearing her name.

But I want to meet her, talk to her, touch her.

I don't want it to be a question at all.

But no, I'm needed for the Genesis Device. Because I'm good breeding stock. I'm intelligent, responsible, attractive. And we need to be together for the Genesis Device. So I needn't fear.

I don't just want to be breeding stock. I want a long shared life before and after that, not just because of that.

Not to mention I'm so expressly his. But he's not really mine, I guess. Is he? Is he just an idiot, saying the wrong things because he doesn't realize?

And so the insecurity creeps on, slinking in the cracks.

Bleah.

Lah.