Saturday, July 17, 2010

Revolution.

Come on, Love: Bring it on, bring it on.

Even as I sang it, I knew it wasn't the best siren song to be sending out, but I'll never know whether it caught me because it rings true, or whether it rings because I chose it.

Both, probably. In any case, the end result is that I find myself here, as I am, with Life and Love straight up just smacking me across the face. You know, open-handed slap. Not the one that sends you sprawling over on the floor but one that definitely makes you see things differently.

First it was Christian. Yes, back to the boys. Because it's always the boys, it seems... or at least they are what drives me to discuss. Love is all, after all. So the X came, and I pretty much threw myself at him. Then he left, presumably to come back, and into my life sauntered Indigo. And even though I saw the road warning signs, I just couldn't stay away. Still can't stay away. Christian was a long time coming, but Indigo was no time at all because right away something in me recognized him. And he felt it too.

To be fair, he did be good at first. And I always saw that it was there, that potential... and shied away from it. For all of five minutes, in the grand scheme of things. But I saw the crossroads: even while I was on the verge of extending a subtle invite, I saw the potential to pull back... why didn't I? Doesn't bode well for my feelings, is the immediately apparent thought. And once I had opened that door a tiny little crack, it came spewing open uncontrollably. In that hazy space between night and morning, drunk and sober, orgasm and sleep, as he wrapped his arm around me and pulled me close, I suddenly felt a psychic nuzzle and heard a little happy noise, and knew I was fucked. It wasn't me making the noises, but I've made them enough to know what they mean.

And the fog forming on my window
Tells me that the morning's here
and you'll be gone before too long...

No... I'm not going back.

Ah, Indigo. This was just the soul-click. My feeling of doom sealed when I thought back to Christian and my heart still did a little flip. He comes frequently to mind and my love for him hasn't been diminished one bit. This, I believe, is partially due to mistake--no, turning point--number two came to pass. That was the next morning, when somehow Indigo and I had gotten onto the topic of love and I looked at him and said, "No. Love openly and freely: the more you give, the more you have." He looked at me and something changed. Barrier number two was broken. And now we're so tightly woven together it's strange. But he's not the only person I'm woven to, thanks to the shared love. But of course, the realities and frustrations had yet to come. In fact, they still have probably yet to come. But behind the hippie is a hell of a brain, and incredible observational skills. What's more is that he's not afraid to say whatever the hell he's seeing, only he points it out in such a casual unconcerned way that you have to do a double take.

He and Christian are so completely different, it makes it both simpler and harder. They compliment each other well in that each has qualities the other doesn't. And they both drive me insane. Indigo and I get into these conversations, and sometimes arguments, and he makes me rethink things that I take for granted and that other people just accept. Often I'm struck by the fact that he really is older than me in some ways; a thought that I don't have often from maturity alone.

But one of the strangest things about all of this--and yet, what makes the most sense, if only to my sense of hope, although I think it runs deeper than that--is that this thing feels permanent. As in, the thought of years passing, of other lovers and loves, and of all manner of drama in between doesn't even seem daunting because it has already been set. It's already happened, even? I don't know. What's strange is that we even discussed this, long after I'd realized it and admitted it to myself. What kind of strange relationship do we have? Pretty much in the moment but honest about the future. A relationship where we talk about sexual interests and potential loves and actually pursue them. Funny enough, this is when I happen to be reading the Millenium series by Stieg Larsson, where a similar relationship 30 years later is featured. Indigo and I argue often about timing. I believe timing is everything because time means nothing. I don't understand his explanation at all, and can't remember it... which is probably why we argue, heh.

And now, dancing fiend that I have become, I'm preparing to go out and dance some more, this time to a Columbian ska band at a hotel on the edge of the east. After being up at 5 30 this morn' and waking up at 6 30 tomorrow. Should be interesting!

Oh, but how I love to dance, though. Did I mention that's how we connected? And to go dancing with him... First, that he even loves to dance as much or more than I. Second, that he has rhythm and soul.

Heh.

Lah.