I got back from being in Montreal for two weeks on Saturday. As usual, coming back was extremely difficult. What was different this time was that the actual leaving wasn't so hard. Usually I just don't want to leave Montreal... the culture, the place, and most of all teh life I have there. Now... that part isn't so bad. I know it's not my home. What I realized today is that what I can't stand about being home is the lack of freedom.
This time, my trip to Montreal wasn't as a drugged out kid looking to party. It was a time to see people that I know and love, and instead of participating in their life for two weeks, I brought them a piece of my life. I had to take responsibility for someone else as well as myself, and I had to organize my life: my time, my attention, my money... I was responsible for both the material things and the spiritual things. In a way, this was the first time I went to Montreal as an adult, with another adult.
But suddenly I'm back here. And I'm a kid again. Not only am I a kid, but I'm a city kid in the middle of the country. In Montreal, I had to plan out our time. Not all with fun activities; 'business' and non-leisure activities were included. Bottom line though, was that I was always doing something. At the end of the day, I looked forward to going home and just chilling with the people I love. Which included my boyfriend.
An important thing that I realized on the trip is that I truly love my boyfriend. Not just in the romantic, sappy way... but also in the everyday comforts, the little fights and discussions. Sharing a life, not just part of a life. And I spent two weeks sharing my life with Kellin. No, we weren't joined at the hip, but at the end of the day we always ended up home with each other.
I expected it to be weird when we got back and went back to separate existences. I didn't expect it to actually hurt. I found out just how much it hurts when my cynical mother told that no, I couldn't stay at his place. "No, you've been away enough already." Nice words, if my presence had actually been missed more. Let's face it, I didn't spend all that much time at home before I left, and since I got back my family hasn't exactly been jumping to spend time with me. It's actually like I never left at all. What's more, we don't do anything at my house. Yes, we smoke and talk and laugh. We watch movies and a TV series or two. But just lying around gets old fast, especially when you're used to moving around, seeing people and doing things. That's why I like taking public transportation. It's not just getting in a car and sitting around til you get somewhere, and then leaving and sitting around some more until you get somewhere else. It's dynamic. You have to pay attention and walk and change directions.
Maybe it'll be different when I'm the one driving, but until then... I just can't stand doing nothing. And especially not huge chunks of time spent going to work, and then coming home and doing nothing until I pass out early, and then going to work again the next morning, and so on and so on. Before I went to Montreal, I was tired all the time, so much so that it worried my mother. She thinks it's because of working in the cafeteria and having no mental stimulation. That's not true... I went to school for many years with very little mental stimulation, without that effect. And I also realized that when I went over to Kellin's, or stayed out late doing things, I rarely got tired. The entire time I was in Montreal, I'd go to bed at midnight, easy. Sure, I get tired during all of these things, but not the bone-deep weariness that just won't let me stay awake any longer.
After my mother delivered her demand for me to come home, I got angry. I get irritated often, but it's been a very long time since I was truly angry, the kind of angry that washes out everything else and turns the world red. A kind of impotent rage, that makes you want to strike out at everything, especially the unfairness that caused the anger. Why was I so mad? Because, for one, she had that slightly petulant tone that told me that she was saying no just for the sake of saying no. She told me that there was shit for me to do at home. Sure, fair enough. But whenever she uses that excuse, often when I ask her exactly what, she either avoids replying or tells me some variant of either pulling my weight around the house or getting my shit together. Tonight, it was getting my shit together. Again, fair enough. The only problem is, whenever I do come home, expecting to be put to work--a prospect which, incidentally, is a an absolutely marvelous motivator for going home--I end up doing... guess what? Nothing! Sitting around, reading or watching a movie/TV, and passing out around 10 or 10 30 when I can't keep my eyes open anymore.
I think that my body gets into that roundabout, bored mode, it assumes it's downtime and time to rest and tries to shut down. And of course, since it always gets into that mode when I'm home with my mother, she assumes that's how I always am. And she also seems to assume that I do absolutely nothing useful with my life.
And all of this culminated into today, where for the first time in months I had that uncontrollable desire to leave, to be on my own and responsible for myself. I don't think I've felt that feeling that strongly since my father left. I just felt like telling my mother that as long as she keeps saying no, I'm going to keep asking. And one day, I won't listen to her 'no'. And what's she going to do then? Short of threatening me and/or physically overpowering me, the only thing that allows her to make demands and orders is my respect for her, and my desire to live in a harmonious home. One that I'd like to be able to go back to, but not one that I'm chained to and required to be at all the time simply because it's my home.
It doesn't help that Mama is bitter. Not as bitter as she used to be, but bitter all the same. And just because I don't believe that a person should be a slave to love or any emotion, and just because I'm also cynical of 'crushes' and 'boyfriends' and silly girls, doesn't mean that I don't believe in love. Just because I might indulge in some gooey moments, doesn't mean that I think love is a sappy happily-ever-after path strewn with flowers. Which is why I was so surprised to find it so hard to go home alone and sleep alone, even after only two weeks living together and three days apart. Like I said, it's the little comforts. And I don't agree at all with Mama's proclamation that it's always nice to sleep alone after sharing a tiny bed with someone for two weeks. Quite the opposite. I find it horrible. I absolutely love sleeping with another person, whether it's Blair or Kellin. It's someone to be close to and share the space with... someone to wake up to in the morning.
*sigh* Now I feel even lonelier and even more sad to be here alone.
Seeing me crying tugged at Kellin's heartstrings a bit, I think. He told me not to worry, he'd come over Thursday. That soon we'd actually live together and it wouldn't matter. That he'd call me tonight. I think he understood that I wasn't only crying because I couldn't spend the night with him though, because after telling me those things he shut up and just held me, occasionally resting his head on my hair or stroking my waist.
I was crying for the loss of freedom, and the loss of responsibility. For the lack of trust and lack of understanding. For being so angry for the first time in so long, and for feeling that horrible feeling of just wanting to escape but being trapped. I was crying because I didn't want to go home. And finally I was crying just because I hurt. It's also been a long time, although not so long, that my family has truly hurt me, enough that I just wanted to curl up into a ball and bawl. I also picked that moment to remember the poetry I used to write when I hurt.
All I'll ever want in my darkest hour
Is someone to hold me as I cry
Someone to tell me, "Stop being shy".
And I realized that I had that person. Well, I have and have had a couple of people to hold me, people that I meshed with, but he was the person I had been searching for. And whenever I think that no, I'm just being silly, I'm too attached, whatever, another part of my brain says "Why can't it be real?" If the Universe can provide me anything, if only I ask for it in the right way and am grateful for it, then why not Kellin? I did ask for him. In fact, now that I look back I realize that I asked for him quite specifically. He may not be where my life is going to end, but for this time and hopefully for a while into the future, he is real and right for me and my needs. And I think that he asked for me, too. And I think that I'm what he needs, also.
Is that why it hurts so much to be separated from him uselessly? If there's a legitimate reason, it'll still bug me, but not deep down. This not only bugged me, it hurt. In fact, all I could think was this shouldn't be so hard. This shouldn't be so hard.
Ugh.
Lah.
Monday, March 26, 2007
Sunday, February 25, 2007
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
Wishes and Wonders
Just read Blairbear's blog. Catching up on months of missage.
No wonder she thought I knew.
Part of me feels like I failed her, let her down, didn't care enough to catch it. Wrapped up in my life, my boyfriend, and my own petty problems while my friend, the one that I consider as much a part of my heart as anything, was going through hell.
The other part says that it's as much her fault as mine.
And another part of me is just scared.
I don't want to be there. I don't want to have to make those hard decisions.
I know the universe doesn't listen to the 'don't's, but there it is.
Let's put it another way.
I want to be happy, healthy, and whole. Then again, those things and being pregnant aren't mutually exclusive, so how do I put my wish out to the universe in the right way?
It's a little bit different than wishing to be succesful at a show, after all.
How about this?
I want to know. I want to be aware of my body. I would like to be responsible and in control of my reproduction.
So mote it be.
And once you wish it, you can't just forget about it. You have to go out and do something about it, and trust the Universe to do the rest.
And I have. I've been careful. I don't sleep around. I've always protected myself. And I continue to be careful, because I wanted to have that modicum of certainty.
Maybe that wasn't enough.
But hey. I've done all that I can on my part for now, and the rest is up to the Universe.
Whatever will come, will come. And I'll just have to deal with it when it does.
Lah.
No wonder she thought I knew.
Part of me feels like I failed her, let her down, didn't care enough to catch it. Wrapped up in my life, my boyfriend, and my own petty problems while my friend, the one that I consider as much a part of my heart as anything, was going through hell.
The other part says that it's as much her fault as mine.
And another part of me is just scared.
I don't want to be there. I don't want to have to make those hard decisions.
I know the universe doesn't listen to the 'don't's, but there it is.
Let's put it another way.
I want to be happy, healthy, and whole. Then again, those things and being pregnant aren't mutually exclusive, so how do I put my wish out to the universe in the right way?
It's a little bit different than wishing to be succesful at a show, after all.
How about this?
I want to know. I want to be aware of my body. I would like to be responsible and in control of my reproduction.
So mote it be.
And once you wish it, you can't just forget about it. You have to go out and do something about it, and trust the Universe to do the rest.
And I have. I've been careful. I don't sleep around. I've always protected myself. And I continue to be careful, because I wanted to have that modicum of certainty.
Maybe that wasn't enough.
But hey. I've done all that I can on my part for now, and the rest is up to the Universe.
Whatever will come, will come. And I'll just have to deal with it when it does.
Lah.
Thursday, February 15, 2007
A New Era
I just happened to read over my last post. How ironic. That was exactly one week ago... and as of tomorrow, I am officially withdrawn from Springbank Community High School.
Now how did this come to be, you ask? After worrying about taking more classes and special projects and everything else in the universe to do with school, the end came so utterly randomly.
Let's go back to earlier today.
I spent the first two periods getting everything together for my job in the cafeteria. For some reason (maybe St. Vally's Day yesterday scrambled my brains), I thought I had English all afternoon instead of in the morning, and by the time I figured it out it was kinda too late... Who knew it would end up having been my last English class? *sniffle*
So instead I used the morning to submit all my hours, verify the official (meaning paid) version of my hours with my boss, and try to get my direct deposit and health insurance stuff settled. Then I worked in there until lunch, and then I went out with Kellin and talked to Ingoutch for a bit. 'Twas lovely (though the convo lasted all of a minute), and I can't wait to go see her in March.
So yes. Came back in, realized I had no class all afternoon, and failed to get in touch with Mama to go home. So I went back into the caf to help Kellin's dear Mama get out early, and in return (or... you know... just because she's Michelle...) she told me to come home with her and Kellin and call Mama from there. We were just out the door when I realized I'd forgotten to give Christian something to give to Kai. Michelle told me to run like the wind, but I couldn't find Christian anywhere. I did, however, see Keebee and Blair and thrust it into their hands, already worried I was taking too long. I was going out the door once again when el principal cornered me and insisted I go talk to him.
Yes, I told him Michelle was waiting with the car already running.
No, he didn't care.
Given the circumstances (and my naturally paranoid nature), I thought I was in deep shit. So imagine my surprise when he leads me to his office, sits down at his desk, and starts fiddling with some papers. Then he told me that I was ready for my diploma. I wasn't sure what exactly he meant at first, but it soon became clear what his goal was.
Then again, "I think it would be better for everyone if you were to withdraw from the school" doesn't leave much room for interpretation.
He talked at me for a while, outlining all the reasons why I should get the fuck out of his school, and I was surprised to learn that underneath all the bull, the proposition actually made sense. I told him that I couldn't make a decision without talking to my dear Mama and pointed out one last time that I was pressed for time. Then I booked it out to Michelle's car. Neither she nor Kellin was mad once I told them what happened. And both thought about it and agreed it was a definite option. When I talked to Mum a little later, she also agreed. She also informed me that we were going to Edmonton early Saturday morning, until Wednesday.
It was Thursday afternoon.
Way to give warning.
Although it's not like she kept it a secret... I just thought it was sometime during next week. I had plans for the weekend... And I hate trade shows, especially when I'm broke... I'm not too fond of Edmonton, either....
*sigh* But that's off-topic.
Since Mama refused to pick me up, I got a ride back to the school to take the bus. First, I got my final exam mark back (after wandering aimlessly awhile, thinking about my decision to 'withdraw'). Eighty-two, whee. Same as my class mark, I think. Told a few people about 'my decision'. Then, I went back to Mr. Davidson. When I told him 'my decision', he started smiling. He didn't hesitate to assure me that I was welcome to visit the school, welcome to continue working in the caf, and welcome to go to grad in May, of course. He handed me the (surprisingly simple) withdrawal form and told me to get my teachers to fill out the bottom part so Mama could get a refund on my school fees. Then he hustled me out of his office by the main office doors, and headed back into his office.
Or so I thought. When I turned to go down the hall I saw him leaving his office by its own separate door, grinning widely and whistling.
I kid you not.
And I will bet you every book that I own and all my money that some form of "One down!" crossed his mind as he handed me that form and led me out of that office.
The whole thing was so weird. He interspersed compliments with negative implications about my moral character (yeah, I'm proud of that wording). And although he was sickly sweet about the entire thing (even while insultiong me), I still find him astonishingly transparent. Still, the whole thing (and such a sudden thing) left me feeling kinda lost, so I wandered a bit more before going to see Mr. Dearden.
Luckily, his class was working on their own, so I was free to speak to him in peace. He didn't hear me knock or come in, and when he looked up and saw me, he gave me an altogether different smile from Davidson's. When he asked where I'd been, I just handed him the withdrawal form. He couldn't believe it, especially when I told him about Davidson's role in my decision to withdraw. He was a lot madder than I'd been. I'd just been kinda bemused until then. But seeing him get mad for my sake just made me sad. Not about my decision to withdraw, but just about the admin's general attitude. Mr. Dearden and I had a hug and a moment, and I asked and was told that I could come sit in on classes whenever I want.
Dearden wasn't the only one pissed off. Blair was ready to gun down Mr. Davidson. Kai's first response was "what an asshole", as was Brandon's. But hey. Not only was it my final decision, but I don't really care about Davidson. Guess what? I don't have to deal with him anymore. Plus they can't suspend me or cuss me out for smoking. At least not off of school property.
It's just so insane, though. One moment I was looking at five more months of school at least, and the next I was as close to done as I'll be until tomorrow when the final signature goes on that piece of paper. Tomorrow. And tomorrow is also the last day before school goes underground for Suicide Week, so it's gonna be even more unreal when the vacation week finishes.
Eeek.
And when I talked to Kellin a few hours ago, he mentioned something that had also crossed my mind at some point today. He told me that since I decided to drop out (so much more... base... than 'withdraw', no?), he really wants to do the same. Not for some stupid love thing, of course. But I know for a fact that before we started talking and eventually dating, he was barely going to class. But after we started dating, there was more of a reason to go to school. I know what he means. after we got serious, I rarely missed school. Actually going to class was a different story, of course, but between seeing Kellin and working in the caf, I was usually somewhere in the building.
But even with that small motivation, since the semester's started Kellin's been getting a majour case of the same itch I've had since the beginning of last year. I can count on one hand the number of times he's gone to a full day of classes. I think I can count it on one or two fingers, actually. And I'm sure the fact that he won't be able to graduate this year has something to do with it. I mean, what's the point of going to class when you know that the credits won't be doing you any good? Especially classes that were randomly assigned to you.
He told me he'd really miss seeing me at school.
Although I will be there at least sometime each day to work in the caf.
But now, back to (non-school related) work.
Lah.
Now how did this come to be, you ask? After worrying about taking more classes and special projects and everything else in the universe to do with school, the end came so utterly randomly.
Let's go back to earlier today.
I spent the first two periods getting everything together for my job in the cafeteria. For some reason (maybe St. Vally's Day yesterday scrambled my brains), I thought I had English all afternoon instead of in the morning, and by the time I figured it out it was kinda too late... Who knew it would end up having been my last English class? *sniffle*
So instead I used the morning to submit all my hours, verify the official (meaning paid) version of my hours with my boss, and try to get my direct deposit and health insurance stuff settled. Then I worked in there until lunch, and then I went out with Kellin and talked to Ingoutch for a bit. 'Twas lovely (though the convo lasted all of a minute), and I can't wait to go see her in March.
So yes. Came back in, realized I had no class all afternoon, and failed to get in touch with Mama to go home. So I went back into the caf to help Kellin's dear Mama get out early, and in return (or... you know... just because she's Michelle...) she told me to come home with her and Kellin and call Mama from there. We were just out the door when I realized I'd forgotten to give Christian something to give to Kai. Michelle told me to run like the wind, but I couldn't find Christian anywhere. I did, however, see Keebee and Blair and thrust it into their hands, already worried I was taking too long. I was going out the door once again when el principal cornered me and insisted I go talk to him.
Yes, I told him Michelle was waiting with the car already running.
No, he didn't care.
Given the circumstances (and my naturally paranoid nature), I thought I was in deep shit. So imagine my surprise when he leads me to his office, sits down at his desk, and starts fiddling with some papers. Then he told me that I was ready for my diploma. I wasn't sure what exactly he meant at first, but it soon became clear what his goal was.
Then again, "I think it would be better for everyone if you were to withdraw from the school" doesn't leave much room for interpretation.
He talked at me for a while, outlining all the reasons why I should get the fuck out of his school, and I was surprised to learn that underneath all the bull, the proposition actually made sense. I told him that I couldn't make a decision without talking to my dear Mama and pointed out one last time that I was pressed for time. Then I booked it out to Michelle's car. Neither she nor Kellin was mad once I told them what happened. And both thought about it and agreed it was a definite option. When I talked to Mum a little later, she also agreed. She also informed me that we were going to Edmonton early Saturday morning, until Wednesday.
It was Thursday afternoon.
Way to give warning.
Although it's not like she kept it a secret... I just thought it was sometime during next week. I had plans for the weekend... And I hate trade shows, especially when I'm broke... I'm not too fond of Edmonton, either....
*sigh* But that's off-topic.
Since Mama refused to pick me up, I got a ride back to the school to take the bus. First, I got my final exam mark back (after wandering aimlessly awhile, thinking about my decision to 'withdraw'). Eighty-two, whee. Same as my class mark, I think. Told a few people about 'my decision'. Then, I went back to Mr. Davidson. When I told him 'my decision', he started smiling. He didn't hesitate to assure me that I was welcome to visit the school, welcome to continue working in the caf, and welcome to go to grad in May, of course. He handed me the (surprisingly simple) withdrawal form and told me to get my teachers to fill out the bottom part so Mama could get a refund on my school fees. Then he hustled me out of his office by the main office doors, and headed back into his office.
Or so I thought. When I turned to go down the hall I saw him leaving his office by its own separate door, grinning widely and whistling.
I kid you not.
And I will bet you every book that I own and all my money that some form of "One down!" crossed his mind as he handed me that form and led me out of that office.
The whole thing was so weird. He interspersed compliments with negative implications about my moral character (yeah, I'm proud of that wording). And although he was sickly sweet about the entire thing (even while insultiong me), I still find him astonishingly transparent. Still, the whole thing (and such a sudden thing) left me feeling kinda lost, so I wandered a bit more before going to see Mr. Dearden.
Luckily, his class was working on their own, so I was free to speak to him in peace. He didn't hear me knock or come in, and when he looked up and saw me, he gave me an altogether different smile from Davidson's. When he asked where I'd been, I just handed him the withdrawal form. He couldn't believe it, especially when I told him about Davidson's role in my decision to withdraw. He was a lot madder than I'd been. I'd just been kinda bemused until then. But seeing him get mad for my sake just made me sad. Not about my decision to withdraw, but just about the admin's general attitude. Mr. Dearden and I had a hug and a moment, and I asked and was told that I could come sit in on classes whenever I want.
Dearden wasn't the only one pissed off. Blair was ready to gun down Mr. Davidson. Kai's first response was "what an asshole", as was Brandon's. But hey. Not only was it my final decision, but I don't really care about Davidson. Guess what? I don't have to deal with him anymore. Plus they can't suspend me or cuss me out for smoking. At least not off of school property.
It's just so insane, though. One moment I was looking at five more months of school at least, and the next I was as close to done as I'll be until tomorrow when the final signature goes on that piece of paper. Tomorrow. And tomorrow is also the last day before school goes underground for Suicide Week, so it's gonna be even more unreal when the vacation week finishes.
Eeek.
And when I talked to Kellin a few hours ago, he mentioned something that had also crossed my mind at some point today. He told me that since I decided to drop out (so much more... base... than 'withdraw', no?), he really wants to do the same. Not for some stupid love thing, of course. But I know for a fact that before we started talking and eventually dating, he was barely going to class. But after we started dating, there was more of a reason to go to school. I know what he means. after we got serious, I rarely missed school. Actually going to class was a different story, of course, but between seeing Kellin and working in the caf, I was usually somewhere in the building.
But even with that small motivation, since the semester's started Kellin's been getting a majour case of the same itch I've had since the beginning of last year. I can count on one hand the number of times he's gone to a full day of classes. I think I can count it on one or two fingers, actually. And I'm sure the fact that he won't be able to graduate this year has something to do with it. I mean, what's the point of going to class when you know that the credits won't be doing you any good? Especially classes that were randomly assigned to you.
He told me he'd really miss seeing me at school.
Although I will be there at least sometime each day to work in the caf.
But now, back to (non-school related) work.
Lah.
Thursday, February 08, 2007
Thursday's Child Has Far To Go
As the familiar setting of the misty place coalesces around the Weaver, a fairy tale voice can be heard singing.
Monday's child is fair of face
Tuesday's child is full of grace
Wednesday's child is one of woe
Thursday's child has far to go
Friday's child is honest and giving
Saturday's child works hard for his living
And the child that is born on Sabbath day
Is bonny and blithe and good and gay.
As the last of the nursery rhyme fades, a scene appears in the mist. At first, it's hard to distinguish anything but vague images. Then it becomes apparent that the image of a field is hard to distinguish because there's an icy fog the same colour as the mist blanketing everything. A light, drifting snowfall further obscures things, so that the final image depicts a hazy outdoor scene of a field, fenced in some area by a simple low wooden rail. The occasional run down shack or tree appears from out of the mist, but any further than ten feet in the distance before everything is swallowed by the swirling grey-white.
Weaver: This is my world right now.
Voice: Your own personal world, or Calgary?
Weaver: Well, no Calgary, really. It's more in the country where I live. Isn't it gorgeous?
Voice: Gorgeous to look at, maybe. It doesn't look like it would be fun to drive in.
Weaver: I never said it was. And it's horribly cold, terribly unpleasant, unbelievably slippery, and absolutely gorgeous. I can slide on cement with my combat boots on. Better than on the ice, actually. And the school keeps refusing to close for a snow day, so I've been out and about in it for a while.
Voice: So you're still in school, eh?
Weaver: Yeah... Mostly for English class, which is what I'm in right now. Although I'm lost in the project we're doing, so I will devote my weekend to doing that and instead took this moment to describe the way the weather is now, before I forget it. Unfortunately, I can't properly enjoy the beauty because my uterus feels like it's about to explode. Also, I'm hungry.
Voice: Bitchy, bitchy...
Weaver: Hey. You've never had PMS so don't get on my case about it. At least I'm not teary-eyed anymore. And with my period set to drop any second like some kind of suspected terrorist attack, at least I got to spend some time with Kellin last night before the big sploosh. Ugh... I hate this curse of womanhood sometimes.
Voice: Especially since you have no intention of getting pregnant anytime soon.
Weaver: EXACTLY! Which is why I'd like to go on the pill. Stupid condoms and stupid periods...
Bahahaha... Mr Dearden just stood on his head (I kid you not) and screamed that periods and commas go "OUTSIDE THE GODDAMNED QUOTATION MARKS!!!". Like that. He started off with "This is a very special day... this day marks the ten billionth time that I've corrected someone's paper and have them not understand that the punctuation goes outside the quotation marks. Do I have to stand on my head... *attempts several times before succeeding* and tell you guys... *Continues as mentioned above*
As we just kill ourselves laughing.
Especially when he came down and his head was redder than a tomato for his efforts.
Whee...
Lah.
Monday's child is fair of face
Tuesday's child is full of grace
Wednesday's child is one of woe
Thursday's child has far to go
Friday's child is honest and giving
Saturday's child works hard for his living
And the child that is born on Sabbath day
Is bonny and blithe and good and gay.
As the last of the nursery rhyme fades, a scene appears in the mist. At first, it's hard to distinguish anything but vague images. Then it becomes apparent that the image of a field is hard to distinguish because there's an icy fog the same colour as the mist blanketing everything. A light, drifting snowfall further obscures things, so that the final image depicts a hazy outdoor scene of a field, fenced in some area by a simple low wooden rail. The occasional run down shack or tree appears from out of the mist, but any further than ten feet in the distance before everything is swallowed by the swirling grey-white.
Weaver: This is my world right now.
Voice: Your own personal world, or Calgary?
Weaver: Well, no Calgary, really. It's more in the country where I live. Isn't it gorgeous?
Voice: Gorgeous to look at, maybe. It doesn't look like it would be fun to drive in.
Weaver: I never said it was. And it's horribly cold, terribly unpleasant, unbelievably slippery, and absolutely gorgeous. I can slide on cement with my combat boots on. Better than on the ice, actually. And the school keeps refusing to close for a snow day, so I've been out and about in it for a while.
Voice: So you're still in school, eh?
Weaver: Yeah... Mostly for English class, which is what I'm in right now. Although I'm lost in the project we're doing, so I will devote my weekend to doing that and instead took this moment to describe the way the weather is now, before I forget it. Unfortunately, I can't properly enjoy the beauty because my uterus feels like it's about to explode. Also, I'm hungry.
Voice: Bitchy, bitchy...
Weaver: Hey. You've never had PMS so don't get on my case about it. At least I'm not teary-eyed anymore. And with my period set to drop any second like some kind of suspected terrorist attack, at least I got to spend some time with Kellin last night before the big sploosh. Ugh... I hate this curse of womanhood sometimes.
Voice: Especially since you have no intention of getting pregnant anytime soon.
Weaver: EXACTLY! Which is why I'd like to go on the pill. Stupid condoms and stupid periods...
Bahahaha... Mr Dearden just stood on his head (I kid you not) and screamed that periods and commas go "OUTSIDE THE GODDAMNED QUOTATION MARKS!!!". Like that. He started off with "This is a very special day... this day marks the ten billionth time that I've corrected someone's paper and have them not understand that the punctuation goes outside the quotation marks. Do I have to stand on my head... *attempts several times before succeeding* and tell you guys... *Continues as mentioned above*
As we just kill ourselves laughing.
Especially when he came down and his head was redder than a tomato for his efforts.
Whee...
Lah.
Friday, January 19, 2007
Blessed.
Well, I just got home from going out to the city with my mother. Now, she's driving Kai to work.
And I thought I'd just take this time, before she gets back and I wander upstairs to help her with her jewellery, to say...
Fuck, I'm so blessed.
Really, I have a great life. Despite living here in Joy-ville, I managed to find a boyfriend who's not only (mostly) normal, but that I love and who loves me. My family gets along great with his, and I get along great with his family.
And speaking of families... I have an amazing mother who accepts me for who I am, and whom I can talk to about just about anything and that I can share my life with... that is, she actually knows what's going on in my life and is okay with it. My brother, although he can be an enormous asshole, is also very cool, and I wouldn't trade him in for any of my friend's younger siblings.
I was blessed with both intelligence and street smarts, and I am strong enough and honest enough with myself to accept my faults, and love myself for them. What's more, I accept and love my friends for and despite all of their faults.
I now have four lovely pets. All four have funky and interesting personalities. All four are highly intelligent, and are more parts of the family than simply pets. For the past several years, I've craved and craved my own familiar, and now I have two cats that I have to care for and that share my life intimately. Whether I'm gone for a day or for an hour, I know that they won't abandon me or forget that I exist. I'm lucky enough to have the responsibility to name them, feed them, and love them.
I have my own space, that I can decorate and accessorize as I please. I have the freedom to (mostly) make my own decisions, while still retaining the security of knowing that I have a home and family to return to, whenever or wherever.
Hell, as long as we're talking about being blessed, let's look at the 'selfish' things! I'm gorgeous! I've got blood from the Carribean, I've got Native blood... hell, I've even got a bit of European blood thrown in there. On top of having natural looks, I've lost weight and my face has cleared up. How many people can say that, especially in the weeks after Christmas?
I'm even grateful for my psycho father, and for moving here.
Mama's home, so I'm going to go sit with her and watch a movie, maybe light up. Hey, this is probably one of the shortest times I've ever spent writing a full entry... but I'm glad I took the ten minutes out of my day to write this, because everyone is blessed, not just me... and more people need to sit down and just spend a few minutes thinking about their blessings. That's the road to happiness, truly.
And I thought I'd just take this time, before she gets back and I wander upstairs to help her with her jewellery, to say...
Fuck, I'm so blessed.
Really, I have a great life. Despite living here in Joy-ville, I managed to find a boyfriend who's not only (mostly) normal, but that I love and who loves me. My family gets along great with his, and I get along great with his family.
And speaking of families... I have an amazing mother who accepts me for who I am, and whom I can talk to about just about anything and that I can share my life with... that is, she actually knows what's going on in my life and is okay with it. My brother, although he can be an enormous asshole, is also very cool, and I wouldn't trade him in for any of my friend's younger siblings.
I was blessed with both intelligence and street smarts, and I am strong enough and honest enough with myself to accept my faults, and love myself for them. What's more, I accept and love my friends for and despite all of their faults.
I now have four lovely pets. All four have funky and interesting personalities. All four are highly intelligent, and are more parts of the family than simply pets. For the past several years, I've craved and craved my own familiar, and now I have two cats that I have to care for and that share my life intimately. Whether I'm gone for a day or for an hour, I know that they won't abandon me or forget that I exist. I'm lucky enough to have the responsibility to name them, feed them, and love them.
I have my own space, that I can decorate and accessorize as I please. I have the freedom to (mostly) make my own decisions, while still retaining the security of knowing that I have a home and family to return to, whenever or wherever.
Hell, as long as we're talking about being blessed, let's look at the 'selfish' things! I'm gorgeous! I've got blood from the Carribean, I've got Native blood... hell, I've even got a bit of European blood thrown in there. On top of having natural looks, I've lost weight and my face has cleared up. How many people can say that, especially in the weeks after Christmas?
I'm even grateful for my psycho father, and for moving here.
Mama's home, so I'm going to go sit with her and watch a movie, maybe light up. Hey, this is probably one of the shortest times I've ever spent writing a full entry... but I'm glad I took the ten minutes out of my day to write this, because everyone is blessed, not just me... and more people need to sit down and just spend a few minutes thinking about their blessings. That's the road to happiness, truly.
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
A Day In The Life
As I lay here on the couch, let's recap over the day, shall we?
We begin in the living room, lying around watching Diary of a Mad Black Woman while Mama makes chicken wings for dinner later. Brian randomly demands for Mum to drive him an hour and a bit away to High River. They leave, I finish the movie (that Brian put on). Kai wakes up, we finish the movie together, blah blah blah.
Kai's Xbox 360 broke, so he actually left the house today, and chilled with the X. Kellin was supposed to come over, but he got a call from his lawyer and they may be pressing more charges against him (three months after the fact, whee...) so he cancelled. We're drinking spiked juice and smoking the last of our smoke when I get a call from Kellin, saying that Chris, Chris' girlfriend (a lovely girl who's the only other darkish chick in the Creek), Adam (who's Egyptian and looks like he's 25) and him would be over the pick up the bong Kai made him out of a 40 of Appleton Rum in a few minutes.
I forgot to mention Christian. He and Kai drove back over here from Christian's down the street. Christian didn't want to put on a coat so he put on his bathrobe instead. And hasn't taken it off, so he's been wandering around our house like Hugh Hefner.
And this was only the early part of the evening. I haven't even mentioned when Adam died on the Waterfall. It was like in Beerfest when the guy gets totally wasted and just kinda stumbles around after the others. And don't even get me started on that Waterfall...
I love my life. Truly.
And I love my boyfriend.
Muah.
We begin in the living room, lying around watching Diary of a Mad Black Woman while Mama makes chicken wings for dinner later. Brian randomly demands for Mum to drive him an hour and a bit away to High River. They leave, I finish the movie (that Brian put on). Kai wakes up, we finish the movie together, blah blah blah.
Kai's Xbox 360 broke, so he actually left the house today, and chilled with the X. Kellin was supposed to come over, but he got a call from his lawyer and they may be pressing more charges against him (three months after the fact, whee...) so he cancelled. We're drinking spiked juice and smoking the last of our smoke when I get a call from Kellin, saying that Chris, Chris' girlfriend (a lovely girl who's the only other darkish chick in the Creek), Adam (who's Egyptian and looks like he's 25) and him would be over the pick up the bong Kai made him out of a 40 of Appleton Rum in a few minutes.
I forgot to mention Christian. He and Kai drove back over here from Christian's down the street. Christian didn't want to put on a coat so he put on his bathrobe instead. And hasn't taken it off, so he's been wandering around our house like Hugh Hefner.
And this was only the early part of the evening. I haven't even mentioned when Adam died on the Waterfall. It was like in Beerfest when the guy gets totally wasted and just kinda stumbles around after the others. And don't even get me started on that Waterfall...
I love my life. Truly.
And I love my boyfriend.
Muah.
Saturday, December 30, 2006
Walking in a Winter Wonderland
ERG!
I HATE IT WHEN MY POSTS GET DELETED AFTER AN HOUR WRITING IT!
...
Yeah. Sorry. There was a post here.
I HATE IT WHEN MY POSTS GET DELETED AFTER AN HOUR WRITING IT!
...
Yeah. Sorry. There was a post here.
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Yet Another Last-Minute NaNoWriMo Post.
Teehee, there's half an hour left... or less...
Aww, X and Blair are cuddling under the blankets... Finally. Jeez.
But yes... so once again NaNoWriMo is approaching... in less than twenty minutes, in fact.
And I'm going to stretch out this time... And speaking of 'stretched out', I feel rather 'stretched out' myself...
*cough*
You know what I mean, Blair!
Yes, Blair is here. She's back and home and safe, because she's decided she doesn't want to drop out of school, after all. We're chill again... Closer than ever, I guess.
And to be fair, I didn't MEAN to neglect my blog this time... there are a number of half-finished posts (okay... one...) sitting on my server.
*sigh* My (hopefully) last Halloween in dear, old, fucking freezing, Calgary. And all in all, it was a very good one... Friends and liquor and drugs and all that juvenile delinquent stuff. Terrorizing little kids, and even the best trick-or-treating I've ever done (here).
11 minutes and counting. Do you know that this is the third anniversary of this blog?
Happy bday, blogger!
And now, with the last few minutes... I FORGOT TO DOWNLOAD ROUGHDRAFT!!
GAH!!!
Okay, see you in the New Year!
(It's Samhain as well, the Witch's New Year)
Aww, X and Blair are cuddling under the blankets... Finally. Jeez.
But yes... so once again NaNoWriMo is approaching... in less than twenty minutes, in fact.
And I'm going to stretch out this time... And speaking of 'stretched out', I feel rather 'stretched out' myself...
*cough*
You know what I mean, Blair!
Yes, Blair is here. She's back and home and safe, because she's decided she doesn't want to drop out of school, after all. We're chill again... Closer than ever, I guess.
And to be fair, I didn't MEAN to neglect my blog this time... there are a number of half-finished posts (okay... one...) sitting on my server.
*sigh* My (hopefully) last Halloween in dear, old, fucking freezing, Calgary. And all in all, it was a very good one... Friends and liquor and drugs and all that juvenile delinquent stuff. Terrorizing little kids, and even the best trick-or-treating I've ever done (here).
11 minutes and counting. Do you know that this is the third anniversary of this blog?
Happy bday, blogger!
And now, with the last few minutes... I FORGOT TO DOWNLOAD ROUGHDRAFT!!
GAH!!!
Okay, see you in the New Year!
(It's Samhain as well, the Witch's New Year)
Thursday, September 28, 2006
Blair.
Weaver: I'm going to kill her. I'm going to fucking kill her.
Voice: Is that how you always greet someone that you've ignored for the past couple of months?
Weaver: Only when my best friend has just run away from home to live with her fucking dumbass loser boyfriend. The whole thing has just left me.... Ugh. Too disgusted for words.
Voice: That's why I'm here. To prompt you up when words fail, remember?
Weaver: I've missed you. But here, let me fill you in on the second half of my summer with Blair.
Firstly, when my fellow dish bitch finally up and quit, we needed a new person at work quick. And I nominated and subsequently convinced Blair to join up. This knitted us together like nothing else. She came over almost everyday after work, and basically formed one of those damned bonds that stick through everything... As in, "she's not my best friend... she's Blair."
Also, one of the privileges of my role in the community as advisor slash listener slash recorder for the soap opera this will someday be turned into, I get the privilege of sharing in all the drama without actually being a part of it. Case in point, the Dallis-Blair-Zach love triangle. Basically, at the beginning of the summer they finally broke up... and then Zach started regretting his decision and begging and begging for her to take him back. Which she steadfastly refused to do. Meanwhile, a whole drama is unfolding between her and Dallis. See, her relationship with Zach was a whim, and a standing joke was how they never had sex, Blair being a virgin despite Zach's proclaimed manwhore status.
Voice: Wasn't Zach the one that we supposed dresses up in Ladies' underwear?
Weaver: The very same. Anyways. Her relationship with Dallis was mostly based on sex, since he doesn't have to boast about his Manwhore status... note the capital. He's the real deal. So everything comes to a boil when Dallis and Blair do the nasty. This drives Zach (also affectionately referred to as Pisscrackers) to sic all of his so-called posse on Dallis, harassing him and such, and the Dallis of course does the same. They decide on a fight, mano a mano with no weapons.
Voice: Excuse me while I turn away and snigger.
Weaver: Long story made short, school starts again and Blair randomly gets back together with Zach, for no good reason whatsoever other than 'well I love him and he loves me'... which would have moved me a lot more if she hadn't already confessed to me that she only even vaguely liked him because she could manipulate him and he gives her attention.
So Blair talks Zach out of fighting. Unfortunately, by this time news of the fight is everywhere. Zach's friends gang up and bug him until he agrees. Blair freaks out and blames Dallis. They fight at school in a hilarious and amusing climax (which will ahve to wait until another time to be properly detailed) and after they get caught, Dallis gets suspended and Zach mouths off and gets expelled. Then declares to his angry mother that he's not going home. Stays at Blair's a while until Anne (Blair's mum) gets tired of taking care of him, and tells him to clean up his act or clear out. By now they've let him back into the school. Blair and him declare they're moving out together into the city, although Blair admitted that she didn't really believe it would work, and that it was a fantasy she was using to amuse herself. I was in Vancouver when this news became public... and then Blair got really sick and I didn't see her for a couple weeks. Since she got back on Monday, she's been... well, fucked up. Part of it I can blame on being isolated and out of the loop for a few weeks... and the even more extreme constant rubbing against Zach I can blame on their finally getting around to having sex... but she's still acting fucked up.
And then I get a call tonight from her mother not knowing where she is, and thinking she's gone off with Zach somewhere. Anybody else but Zach and I wouldn't have batted an eye... but considering he spent the last five days completely drugged out (instead of oh, say... FINDING A JOB OR A PLACE TO STAY?) and that Blair's been funny since she got better... I was not pleased, and more than a little worried.
I should probably mention that during this time, I also became pretty good friends with Blair's brother Ross, a surprising and pleasing specimen of humanity. Ross' a different story altogether of course, and could probably have a rant to himself, but that's a project for another day. Suffice to say that in the rare occasion we do discuss Blair, it's very handy to compare notes with an observant fellow such as he. He also has the benefit of living with her.
Thus, when I happened to check my computer on my way to bed, I instead ended up talking to him. Which returns me to my original thought.
I'm going to fucking kill her.
Voice: I thought you said you were never actually part of the drama.
Weaver: This time... I don't know. Usually I just watch and try to judge the sin, not the sinner. Despite Zach's utter stupidity and Dallis' poserish drama-queendom, I remain(ed) friends with both, simply because since I could see through them, I had nothing to fear from either one of them and could simply accept them as what they are.
Even Blair getting back with Zach didn't phaze me too much. I mean, my respect for went down a few notches (and I personally don't think that my respect is easy to gain or regain), but Blair was still the Blair I love.
But this? Hell, I'm not even all that mad. Just utterly disgusted. Disgusted with Zach because I'd like to drop him in the middle of Vancouver or Montreal to see what real life is like, and what really being kicked out of your home is like. He's just a stupid little spoiled boy whose mother coddled him. He has no concept of the real world. What's worse is that he was raised to be freeloader... mommy always taking care of him. Now that he's out of that home, he's still expecting to be taken care of. Anne said it best when she said that he had to go because he expected her to be his new mommy.
To completely veer off in another direction, I got a message from Craig saying that he told Blair to call her mom, and that he had something to tell me when I got back online. This happened to be two hours before I actually DID come back, so I suppose I have to drag my sick ass out of bed to go to school tomorrow and actually find out what the hell is going on. Not to mention see if Pisscrackers and Blair will be there.
And it grates even more that I know Blair is partially doing this for the attention. Nevermind that her mother's not only livid but worried out of her mind, and even her brother wants to rip Zach apart limb from limb. For which I'm all for. If more people would have beat the shit out of Zach as a child, he wouldn't be such a fucktard today.
I'm sick of this. I'm sick of it always being all about Blair. I'm not even really worried about her, because I know that she's smart enough to bail if shit gets too fucked. I'm just so utterly disgusted that she doesn't have the maturity to smarten up. To think that she'll actually be able to legally take care of herself soon... Then again, Blair doesn't usually actually do the taking care of herself... Master manipulator that she is, she's expert at getting others to take care of her in every way.
Voice: So much for one of those unbreakable links.
Weaver: Don't get me wrong. I still love Blair. I still have her back, and if she showed up at my house tomorrow needing a place to stay, I'd let her in. I wouldn't let Zach within 50 feet, and I would talk over the situation with her... but I'd let her in, no questions asked. But I know that my respect and my estimation of her have slipped quite a bit. Of course, what's my estimation worth? It certainly doesn't seem to mean much to her, lately. But I like to think that it means something to other people, and since pretty much everybody comes to me talk at some point or another.... I'm not sure where I'm going with this. Bottom line, severe irritation.
Voice: Does that fact that you're being forced to find out all of this third hand have anythign at all to do with your general bad mood?
Weaver: *sigh* Yeah, I know that's part of it. I feel out of the loop. I'm used to knowing about a situation from all sides... Hell, usually I know more about the situation than the people involved. Instead, I'm getting scraps. And it irks. Damn, more than that. It hurts. First I was non-entity with Kurt in Van (again) and then I lost Blair at work until the doctors declare she's not contagious.... and now it feels like I've lost her again.
Ugh...
Time to sleep on it.
Lah.
Voice: Is that how you always greet someone that you've ignored for the past couple of months?
Weaver: Only when my best friend has just run away from home to live with her fucking dumbass loser boyfriend. The whole thing has just left me.... Ugh. Too disgusted for words.
Voice: That's why I'm here. To prompt you up when words fail, remember?
Weaver: I've missed you. But here, let me fill you in on the second half of my summer with Blair.
Firstly, when my fellow dish bitch finally up and quit, we needed a new person at work quick. And I nominated and subsequently convinced Blair to join up. This knitted us together like nothing else. She came over almost everyday after work, and basically formed one of those damned bonds that stick through everything... As in, "she's not my best friend... she's Blair."
Also, one of the privileges of my role in the community as advisor slash listener slash recorder for the soap opera this will someday be turned into, I get the privilege of sharing in all the drama without actually being a part of it. Case in point, the Dallis-Blair-Zach love triangle. Basically, at the beginning of the summer they finally broke up... and then Zach started regretting his decision and begging and begging for her to take him back. Which she steadfastly refused to do. Meanwhile, a whole drama is unfolding between her and Dallis. See, her relationship with Zach was a whim, and a standing joke was how they never had sex, Blair being a virgin despite Zach's proclaimed manwhore status.
Voice: Wasn't Zach the one that we supposed dresses up in Ladies' underwear?
Weaver: The very same. Anyways. Her relationship with Dallis was mostly based on sex, since he doesn't have to boast about his Manwhore status... note the capital. He's the real deal. So everything comes to a boil when Dallis and Blair do the nasty. This drives Zach (also affectionately referred to as Pisscrackers) to sic all of his so-called posse on Dallis, harassing him and such, and the Dallis of course does the same. They decide on a fight, mano a mano with no weapons.
Voice: Excuse me while I turn away and snigger.
Weaver: Long story made short, school starts again and Blair randomly gets back together with Zach, for no good reason whatsoever other than 'well I love him and he loves me'... which would have moved me a lot more if she hadn't already confessed to me that she only even vaguely liked him because she could manipulate him and he gives her attention.
So Blair talks Zach out of fighting. Unfortunately, by this time news of the fight is everywhere. Zach's friends gang up and bug him until he agrees. Blair freaks out and blames Dallis. They fight at school in a hilarious and amusing climax (which will ahve to wait until another time to be properly detailed) and after they get caught, Dallis gets suspended and Zach mouths off and gets expelled. Then declares to his angry mother that he's not going home. Stays at Blair's a while until Anne (Blair's mum) gets tired of taking care of him, and tells him to clean up his act or clear out. By now they've let him back into the school. Blair and him declare they're moving out together into the city, although Blair admitted that she didn't really believe it would work, and that it was a fantasy she was using to amuse herself. I was in Vancouver when this news became public... and then Blair got really sick and I didn't see her for a couple weeks. Since she got back on Monday, she's been... well, fucked up. Part of it I can blame on being isolated and out of the loop for a few weeks... and the even more extreme constant rubbing against Zach I can blame on their finally getting around to having sex... but she's still acting fucked up.
And then I get a call tonight from her mother not knowing where she is, and thinking she's gone off with Zach somewhere. Anybody else but Zach and I wouldn't have batted an eye... but considering he spent the last five days completely drugged out (instead of oh, say... FINDING A JOB OR A PLACE TO STAY?) and that Blair's been funny since she got better... I was not pleased, and more than a little worried.
I should probably mention that during this time, I also became pretty good friends with Blair's brother Ross, a surprising and pleasing specimen of humanity. Ross' a different story altogether of course, and could probably have a rant to himself, but that's a project for another day. Suffice to say that in the rare occasion we do discuss Blair, it's very handy to compare notes with an observant fellow such as he. He also has the benefit of living with her.
Thus, when I happened to check my computer on my way to bed, I instead ended up talking to him. Which returns me to my original thought.
I'm going to fucking kill her.
Voice: I thought you said you were never actually part of the drama.
Weaver: This time... I don't know. Usually I just watch and try to judge the sin, not the sinner. Despite Zach's utter stupidity and Dallis' poserish drama-queendom, I remain(ed) friends with both, simply because since I could see through them, I had nothing to fear from either one of them and could simply accept them as what they are.
Even Blair getting back with Zach didn't phaze me too much. I mean, my respect for went down a few notches (and I personally don't think that my respect is easy to gain or regain), but Blair was still the Blair I love.
But this? Hell, I'm not even all that mad. Just utterly disgusted. Disgusted with Zach because I'd like to drop him in the middle of Vancouver or Montreal to see what real life is like, and what really being kicked out of your home is like. He's just a stupid little spoiled boy whose mother coddled him. He has no concept of the real world. What's worse is that he was raised to be freeloader... mommy always taking care of him. Now that he's out of that home, he's still expecting to be taken care of. Anne said it best when she said that he had to go because he expected her to be his new mommy.
To completely veer off in another direction, I got a message from Craig saying that he told Blair to call her mom, and that he had something to tell me when I got back online. This happened to be two hours before I actually DID come back, so I suppose I have to drag my sick ass out of bed to go to school tomorrow and actually find out what the hell is going on. Not to mention see if Pisscrackers and Blair will be there.
And it grates even more that I know Blair is partially doing this for the attention. Nevermind that her mother's not only livid but worried out of her mind, and even her brother wants to rip Zach apart limb from limb. For which I'm all for. If more people would have beat the shit out of Zach as a child, he wouldn't be such a fucktard today.
I'm sick of this. I'm sick of it always being all about Blair. I'm not even really worried about her, because I know that she's smart enough to bail if shit gets too fucked. I'm just so utterly disgusted that she doesn't have the maturity to smarten up. To think that she'll actually be able to legally take care of herself soon... Then again, Blair doesn't usually actually do the taking care of herself... Master manipulator that she is, she's expert at getting others to take care of her in every way.
Voice: So much for one of those unbreakable links.
Weaver: Don't get me wrong. I still love Blair. I still have her back, and if she showed up at my house tomorrow needing a place to stay, I'd let her in. I wouldn't let Zach within 50 feet, and I would talk over the situation with her... but I'd let her in, no questions asked. But I know that my respect and my estimation of her have slipped quite a bit. Of course, what's my estimation worth? It certainly doesn't seem to mean much to her, lately. But I like to think that it means something to other people, and since pretty much everybody comes to me talk at some point or another.... I'm not sure where I'm going with this. Bottom line, severe irritation.
Voice: Does that fact that you're being forced to find out all of this third hand have anythign at all to do with your general bad mood?
Weaver: *sigh* Yeah, I know that's part of it. I feel out of the loop. I'm used to knowing about a situation from all sides... Hell, usually I know more about the situation than the people involved. Instead, I'm getting scraps. And it irks. Damn, more than that. It hurts. First I was non-entity with Kurt in Van (again) and then I lost Blair at work until the doctors declare she's not contagious.... and now it feels like I've lost her again.
Ugh...
Time to sleep on it.
Lah.
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